Ep. 21: "Dead Rubber Girl in My Closet"
Merlin: Hello.
Merlin: Hi, John.
Merlin: How are you?
Merlin: Hi, Merlin.
Merlin: It's early.
Merlin: It is early.
Merlin: It's too early for me to sing our theme song or your theme.
Merlin: Merlin and they're watching you.
They see your every move.
Merlin: I don't think that guy gets the credit he deserves.
Merlin: I think Oates gets more than enough credit, but I think Hall should get more credit.
Merlin: You're starting off today by stipulating that Oates...
Merlin: gets all the credit he deserves but hall more more than the credit you're saying oats gets too much credit i i probably put that poorly because it's very very early our listeners uh due to the uh asynchronous time-shifting nature of media today will probably be already be drunk and it'll be late at night when they're listening to this but for our purposes this is by far the earliest we've ever tried to do anything
Merlin: It's maybe the earliest I've ever tried to do anything.
Merlin: After sleeping.
Merlin: I have not slept.
Merlin: That's part of the problem.
Merlin: No, come on.
Merlin: Well, I didn't sleep.
Merlin: I asked my lady about this.
Merlin: See, I was worried about that.
Merlin: No, I'm just saying, like, there may be times that you have decided to, for whatever reason, clean one of your sidearms at 3.30.
Merlin: But I'm just saying that's probably because you hadn't slept yet.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: And unless somebody was, like, sawing a tree down in the next yard, you probably don't, like, normally wake up this early.
Merlin: No, I don't.
Merlin: And I'm certainly not accustomed to considering oats.
I'm sorry.
You know what I mean?
Merlin: Like oats is something that I save for after lunch.
Merlin: It's like a delicious mustachio dessert.
Merlin: It's an aperitif to sit and think about.
Merlin: Oates' place in the rock pantheon.
Merlin: But I agree that Daryl Hall is one of the great stylists.
Merlin: I made fun of him for a long time.
Merlin: There's two artists slash bands that I realized were way better in some ways than I thought.
Merlin: I don't want to talk about Journey, but Journey's one of them.
Merlin: And the other one, Journey's way better than I thought.
Merlin: And then the other one is absolutely Daryl Hall.
Merlin: I had no idea.
Merlin: If you listen to that man-eater crap, you don't appreciate what a terribly gifted man Daryl Hall is.
Merlin: It's absolutely true.
Merlin: And I think this speaks to the value of the Greatest Hits compilation.
Merlin: Oh, it's a good Greatest Hits.
Merlin: I did not understand how good Journey was until I dug into Journey's Greatest Hits.
Merlin: Now, obviously, this was 20 years ago that I discovered Journey's Greatest Hits.
Merlin: That's fine.
Merlin: You can stop right there.
Merlin: That was more than fine.
Merlin: i think if you stopped at separate ways you were pretty good like maybe a little before a little before separate ways yeah that's that i mean i'm talking about greatest hits i'm not talking about hits you're talking about that one with like the wings on the cover i think it might have had a scarab on it it had a scarab it had a scarab and maybe maybe the scarab was a was it a spaceship too that was leaving earth
Merlin: Yeah, there was a really flimsy, like flimsy on the level of like Zen Arcade story, I think, to the album covers.
Merlin: Like it was supposed to be, you know, what was it?
Merlin: Discovery and Escape and monetization.
Merlin: Well, it's like all the Boston album covers where the city of Boston is a pod.
Merlin: Is that what that is?
Merlin: Yeah, the city of Boston is an enclosed city in a glass pod.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: And then it blasts off through outer space.
Merlin: And I think in the final Boston cover, it is revealed that the city of Boston is actually on a giant guitar.
Merlin: You just blew my mind.
Merlin: It's a glass pod on a flying space guitar.
Merlin: It also explains why the pod has so much compression on it.
Merlin: There's a lot of compression.
Merlin: So much.
Merlin: Did you ever play through a Rockman back in the day?
Merlin: Of course, everybody did.
Merlin: I had a fake, I had a knockoff Rockman.
Merlin: I had like a stock plan or something.
Merlin: The original Rockman was pretty, pretty cool.
Merlin: For, yeah, sitting around.
Merlin: You had a stockman?
Merlin: Yeah, it was that cattle, had a cattle plug in.
Merlin: Was it named after Reagan's budget director?
Merlin: It came from Kansas City Electronics.
Merlin: John Stockman?
Merlin: Is that his name?
Merlin: No, John Stockton was the basketball player from the Utah Jazz.
Merlin: Who's the confused guy that ran a civilization in Vietnam?
Merlin: Remember him?
Merlin: He was running for vice president with Ross Perot.
Merlin: Stockdale.
Merlin: Stockdale.
Merlin: Oh, Stockdale.
Merlin: Right.
That's a sad story.
Merlin: He went up the river.
Merlin: He went up the river.
Merlin: He went up hard.
Merlin: I mean, that guy, it's a shame that that's our memory of him because that guy, he was hardcore.
Merlin: You know, you think he's a crazy man, but he's not a crazy man.
You can't land on a fraction.
Merlin: You can't land on...
Merlin: I want to memorize that so that anytime I get bad customer service, I can go into Dennis Hopper's monologue from Apocalypse Now.
Merlin: I've been trying to memorize it for a long time, but Hopper is so stoned and it's so improvised that it's very hard to get inside his mind.
Merlin: Unlike Michael Corleone's
Merlin: speech in the Italian restaurant before he shoots.
Merlin: Oh, yes.
Merlin: You know, when he says, what about, sorry, go ahead.
Merlin: When he says, what I want is a guarantee.
Merlin: No more attempts on my father's life.
Merlin: You know what mine is in the next one?
Merlin: Where my family sleeps.
Merlin: Wait, let me just start again.
Merlin: Where my family sleeps.
Merlin: Where my children play with their toys.
Merlin: In my home.
Merlin: And that's before he started yelling a lot.
Merlin: That's back when –
Merlin: Oh, man, that scene.
Merlin: You know what?
Merlin: We don't have time for this because we got to do a shorty today.
Merlin: But if you ever get a chance to see, I own like a couple of things on Blu-ray and one of them is the Godfather trilogy.
Merlin: I've watched two of them.
Merlin: And the documentary about the restoration of that is amazing.
Merlin: It's amazing to watch.
Merlin: You watch that scene now and you can see he's got ticks like his face is quivering in that scene.
Merlin: You would never see that in that shitty print Columbia was passing off in the 80s.
Merlin: It's amazing.
It's amazing.
Merlin: Shitty print.
Merlin: What do you see?
Merlin: No, listen, as somebody who cares about this bullshit with music, it's going to blow your mind what they did.
Merlin: There was not an extant usable negative of The Godfather anymore.
Merlin: So what happened?
They had to scan it.
Merlin: They had to scan it frame by frame at 4K.
Merlin: Oh, my goodness.
Merlin: And go, like, you know, four times 1080p and go through and, like, pixel by pixel go and fix it to the original and not take out the noise.
Merlin: That's the key.
Merlin: Everybody says, oh, it's a noise.
Merlin: So it's very noisy on Blu-ray.
Merlin: Well, of course it is, dickhead.
Merlin: Yeah, you dickheads that are complaining about the Blu-ray noise.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: fucking people okay i want to go back let me go back a minute i just uh i just uh bought a uh one of those large televisions not for myself but for a friend for your child a close friend yeah now that my now that my child is 11 months old i figured it was time for her to start uh time for me to introduce her to the director's cut of blade runner right and so i bought uh or i didn't actually buy i had a hand in buying what's called the final cut of blade runner which is much better
Merlin: I was present for the purchasing of a very large television.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: And I find it now very distracting to see how ugly people are now that they're blown up so much larger.
Merlin: Connor O'Brien and Cameron Diaz.
Merlin: Wow.
Merlin: Cameron Diaz looks like a putt-pot golf course.
Merlin: Not in a good way.
Merlin: Yeah, I never understood Cameron Diaz.
Merlin: I remember when that movie Something About Mary came out and everybody was talking about it.
Merlin: Oh, it's the funniest movie.
Merlin: It's like the Kmart Julia Roberts.
Merlin: I didn't see it in the theaters, but as soon as it was available on VHS tape...
Merlin: uh a lady friend of mine at the time and i rented this movie and we kind of we laid down we laid down in bed facing the you know with our feet on the pillows like facing the television like uh chins propped up on our hands that's a sweet image john
Merlin: oh boy, we're going to watch this really funny romantic comedy that everybody likes so much.
Merlin: And the movie came on and I just felt like it was the most, it was so dead inside, so cynical and so unfunny and so just dead.
Merlin: The image that Cameron Diaz portrayed of what was apparently every guy in America's dream girl.
Merlin: It was just so rotten.
Merlin: First of all, I admire anything that involves Jonathan Richman, but also I admired the attempt to make a little world.
Merlin: That world was not successful for you, but I think the idea of this overly ridiculously generous woman and this guy who calls him retards is pretty funny.
Merlin: I thought that was funny.
Merlin: Now, they're very broad.
Merlin: They're a very broad bunch, those guys.
Merlin: Yeah, they're broad.
Merlin: They're too broad for me.
Merlin: They also made Jim Carrey popular, which has been really hard on me.
Merlin: You know, the one movie I ever walked out on was...
Merlin: first of all i've already started lying because i've walked out on multiple movies i was gonna say i was gonna start making a list of just guessing but the but the the movie that i remember walking out on walking out on where i actually stood up at the at the front of the theater and threw down my kid gloves in disgust and made a point of walking out made a point of stomping my feet did you go out in a huff
Merlin: I went out not just in a huff, but I was like, I was indignant that everyone in the theater didn't get up and follow me.
Merlin: Like I thought, I thought this is a movie that I'm going to stand up and I'm going to say, gentlemen, I'm going to say, I'm not going to stand here and listen to you bad mouth the United States of America.
Merlin: Gentlemen.
Merlin: Now that's a good movie.
Merlin: And we would all stand up and march out to the theme from the bridge over the river Kwai.
Merlin: And then nobody followed me.
Merlin: Everybody else was like chewing their cud like a bunch of cows.
Merlin: That's why we lost the Cold War, attitudes like that.
Merlin: It was Dick Tracy.
Merlin: Ooh, that's broad.
Merlin: Dick Tracy.
Merlin: Starring Madonna.
Merlin: And all the makeup.
Merlin: There's a lot of makeup.
Merlin: Oh, my God.
Merlin: And here's the problem.
Merlin: Here's the thing.
Merlin: Here's the thing about Dick Tracy.
Merlin: I made the terrible mistake.
Merlin: This is a long time ago.
Merlin: I made the terrible mistake of smoking a joint, smoking some marijuana before I went to see this movie, which is usually good.
Merlin: I mean, usually it gets you into the thing, but the being stoned took me completely out of the movie.
Merlin: I could not relate to this.
It's got that uncanny valley thing.
Merlin: Yeah, right.
Merlin: Exactly.
Merlin: That's exactly right.
Merlin: It's like watching sex dolls make a movie.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: i don't think i'd like that at all especially if they all looked a little bit different and they looked a little bit like people you knew but like with bigger noses that were shiny it depends on who the co-stars are i'm starting to think about a sex doll i am too have you ever seen those love dolls you ever seen those love dolls i've seen the love dolls i've never seen one in person i'm intrigued by the love dolls i don't know if i'd want to be with one for a long time but i'd like to just at least meet one
Merlin: I'm afraid one day I'm going to go... Somebody's going to say like, oh, come over to my house.
Merlin: I've got some files for you or whatever it is that... However it is that people end up... Open a closet.
Merlin: And I'm going to be at their house and they're going to be like, hey, hang on just a second.
Merlin: I got to go in the back room and get the files.
Merlin: And I'm going to be walking around their living room like opening doors or whatever as you do.
Merlin: And I open a closet door and there's going to be a love doll in there.
Merlin: And I'm going to...
Merlin: I'm going to not know what to do.
Merlin: Just like you with a fake beard.
Merlin: I'm not going to know whether to grab her and run into the bathroom real quick and have sex with her and then put her back.
Merlin: I had so many things to ask you this week, John, that I'm very, I feel like I shouldn't say this, but I have so many questions about sex dolls, the love doll in particular.
Merlin: So, I mean, I'm going to let you pick.
Merlin: Well, here's the thing that I have.
Merlin: Here's the thing about love dolls.
Merlin: here's the thing i recently discovered about love dolls that that they have tried to people are going to wonder why i know so much we should explain what a love doll is for the the one the people who are gifted and lucky and fortunate enough to not know what a love doll is there there have for years been usually as a as a usually as a sight gag in a movie involving steve gutenberg one of the great comedy geniuses although his performance in cocoon was if you mention that one more time i swear to god our show is over
Merlin: What I will say to you is this.
Merlin: I will say to you, this is called a segue, that the first movie I ever remember walking out of was Short Circuit.
Merlin: Oh, man.
Merlin: Considering it had a robot and Ally Sheedy, who I would ruin.
Merlin: I love Short Circuit.
Merlin: The robot, you know, he becomes so human.
Merlin: I'm not going to sit and listen to people talk about America like that.
Merlin: So for years, there have been these jokey things that, like, you know, a lot of stuff in sex shops is not really for sex.
Merlin: Well, yeah.
Merlin: And they're like a beach ball with holes.
Merlin: And it barely looks like anything.
Merlin: The men ones are super creepy.
Merlin: The women ones are super creepy.
Merlin: But the idea was it had this thing that you could put your wiener in.
Merlin: And it had like a mouth, a big scary mouth.
Merlin: It had a couple of places you could put your wiener.
Merlin: Was there a back door?
Merlin: And there was the other area.
Yeah.
Merlin: And it had a little like a shock of weird looking probably animal hair where the lady hair would be.
Merlin: Yeah, it was a beach ball with a shock of lady hair.
Merlin: A penetrable in her suit beach ball.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: That's pretty good.
Merlin: That's the old days.
Merlin: That's the old days.
Merlin: Yeah, so Loneliness 2.0 came along in the late 90s.
Merlin: And I first remember this because it was a really pretty website that you just couldn't stop looking at called Love Doll.
Merlin: I think it was actually called LoveDoll.com.
Merlin: I don't know if it's still around.
Merlin: And you just went there because the website was pretty.
Merlin: You just wanted to see the HTML.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Well, like, John, I have a lot of really weird sex things I like, but like the love doll does not ring a lot of those bells.
Merlin: Where are my three by five cards?
Merlin: I need to start writing this down.
Merlin: I'm not going to talk about this here.
Merlin: The love dolls are on?
Merlin: Do not.
Oh, they don't.
Merlin: Well, no, that's the thing.
Merlin: It's like I would admit to you if it was one of them.
Merlin: I'm comfortable talking about this intellectually, not because... You're not turned on by them.
Merlin: Well, you know there's a documentary about this, right?
Merlin: I didn't know.
Merlin: Oh, yeah.
Merlin: Is it sexy?
Merlin: Do people have...
Merlin: i would say i don't know if there's an opposite of sex i guess the opposite of sexiest tea party but i i have not looked uh i'm not going to type right now i'm not going to do that anymore the notion is that the love doll from the get-go day zero they wanted to make the most frighteningly lifelike right doll sex it actually has an inner sort of skelet and a skeletoid kind of
Merlin: Like you can bend and mold these girls.
Merlin: It's everything the skin gives like human skin would give.
Merlin: Under a knife point.
Merlin: And the lady holes are extremely detailed.
Merlin: It's like something NASA.
Merlin: If NASA had to make a rectum, they would make, this is a NASA style rectum and a JJ.
Merlin: I think that there are people who listen to this podcast who work for NASA.
Merlin: Well, I think that's a big content.
Merlin: Dan,
Merlin: shit.
Merlin: Don't call me Dan.
Merlin: I'm sorry.
Merlin: I'll cut that out.
Merlin: He doesn't listen to this podcast.
Merlin: It's not a problem.
Merlin: I know.
Merlin: Well, boy, that's embarrassing.
Merlin: Here's the thing.
Merlin: Now I'm starting to think about a NASA-made rectum.
Merlin: Well, think about this Velcro.
Merlin: There are probably a lot of people who said don't bother, right?
Merlin: Like Tang.
Merlin: They probably said you're burning cycles on this.
Merlin: And now today we have a better lifestyle because Tang is no longer popular.
Merlin: But we still love Velcro.
Merlin: I have not had Tang in a long time.
Now, here's the thing.
Merlin: Now, what's interesting – God fucking damn it.
Merlin: I don't even know where to start with this.
Merlin: Hot Tang.
Merlin: Hot Tang.
Merlin: Let's get through the big parts, the skin.
Merlin: All right.
Merlin: And again, we all know what the Uncanny Valley is.
Merlin: Have you touched these things?
Merlin: Have you seen one in person?
Merlin: No, but everybody says the same thing.
Merlin: They're so creepily real that they're not real.
Merlin: The FAQ has a thing on how to make her skin warm.
Merlin: It's totally creepy.
Merlin: Put it in a giant microwave or something?
Merlin: Yeah, it's got a Love Microwave.
Merlin: It's very large.
Merlin: Here's my insight into the Love Doll Uncanny Valley problem, which is that they have addressed now, the Love Doll people, Love Doll Inc., has addressed the Uncanny Valley by making a new version of Love Dolls.
Merlin: Real Doll.
Merlin: Fuck.
Merlin: Real Doll.
Merlin: Oh, Real Doll.
Merlin: I'm sorry.
Real Doll.
Merlin: A new version of Real Dolls.
Oh, my God.
Merlin: Which are less realistic and more cartoony.
That's exactly what I was going to say.
Merlin: Oh yeah, you get manga ones now, right?
Merlin: Yeah, you can get crazy ones that look like manga cartoons.
Merlin: You get cosplay, like cosplay looking.
Merlin: And people are super psyched about these and it has addressed the problem of like, I have a dead rubber girl in my closet.
Merlin: No, you don't have a dead rubber girl.
Merlin: You have a fetish item.
Merlin: You have a cartoon rabbit.
Merlin: It appeals to people who are furries and stuff.
Merlin: I have some friends who are furries.
Merlin: They're nice.
Merlin: I'm having sex with a rubber rabbit girl.
Merlin: That's not weird.
Merlin: It's not a dead girl.
Merlin: Oh, look at the guys.
Merlin: Oh, my God.
Merlin: The guys all look like John Waite from the babies.
Merlin: Here's the thing about guys is that guys are ugly.
Merlin: Even real guys are awkward.
Merlin: Oh, cry many.
Merlin: Oh, John.
Merlin: I don't know if you're looking at this.
Merlin: One of them looks a lot like post-plastic surgery Bruce Jenner.
Not in a good way.
Merlin: In all honesty, what I'm looking at right now is vintage Porsches.
Merlin: I just have a bunch of vintage Porsches up on my...
Merlin: Boy Toy Gallery, that's one you want to look at.
Merlin: Okay, so let's get past this.
Merlin: According to, I guess, according to what I have read, these dolls, which are made for you to put your penis in and do other things with, you can dress them up.
Merlin: You can do whatever you want.
Merlin: You put your penis on them.
Merlin: You don't have to put it in them.
Merlin: You can do whatever you want.
Merlin: It's yours now.
Merlin: You bought it.
Merlin: That's right, exactly.
Merlin: It comes in this, well, so to speak, it arrives in this big box, and it's very well cared for.
Merlin: We've got to look up this documentary.
Merlin: I forget what it's called.
Merlin: I'm sorry we got the name wrong.
Merlin: For everybody who works at Real Doll, I'm sorry.
Merlin: No disrespect to your work.
Merlin: If anybody is listening to this podcast who works at RealDoll and you want to send trial RealDolls out.
Merlin: Send two to John and none to me.
Merlin: Expensive podcasters.
Merlin: Would you like, you know, John, I don't want to go ping pong here, but you've got a lot of options here.
Merlin: Oh, sure.
Merlin: You could get an Asian RealDoll.
Merlin: You could get an African-American lady with blonde hair and kind of like Chinese lady eyes.
Merlin: Well, here's the thing.
Merlin: Here's the thing.
Merlin: This is the problem.
Merlin: I like girls who kind of have a big nose.
A Jewess.
Merlin: You want a Jewess doll.
Merlin: I like Jewy girls.
Merlin: And that is a thing that no one in the fantasy girl manufacturing business...
Merlin: There's too many to choose from this week.
Merlin: Thinks that that is an advantage, right?
Merlin: They're all trying to put perky little noses on girls.
Merlin: And they don't... You want to feel it.
Merlin: You want it tapping against.
Merlin: You want to feel punk, punk, punk.
Merlin: You want it hitting your lower abdomen.
Merlin: Am I right?
Merlin: Mazel Tov.
Merlin: The fantasy girl manufacturing.
Merlin: Was it industry or business?
Merlin: Industry.
Merlin: Industry.
Merlin: I think it's an industry.
Merlin: That's terrible.
Merlin: That's a Shonda.
Merlin: You should let them know that they could make a lot more.
Merlin: Oh, look at this.
Merlin: There's a link in the side for lubricants.
Merlin: Think of all the people in the Middle East who would be buying real dolls if they just had ones that had a little bit more of a beak.
Merlin: Is that considered halal?
Merlin: I think it is considered halal because no animals were killed to make a real halal.
Merlin: So if the rabbi was there when they put the ladies JJ on, that could conceivably get the K on it.
Merlin: Maybe she could have a tattoo.
Merlin: Maybe you get a Jewish that has a big K in a circle.
Merlin: Not a circle K place, but you know what I'm saying?
Merlin: I'm sure there is someone in Dubai.
Merlin: Not Romania.
Merlin: There is some guy, some imam in Dubai who has issued a fatwa
Merlin: And a fatwa is not always negative.
Merlin: Has issued a positive fatwa on real calls.
Merlin: Like a suggestion box.
Merlin: Nice job.
Merlin: Yeah, it's like, I think that this passes.
Merlin: I think the Prophet Muhammad would have approved of this dead rubber girl.
Merlin: I have to imagine there are precious few men who are anywhere between browsing, you know, just kind of browsing casually to collecting these.
Merlin: Whoever referred to them as my dead rubber girl.
Merlin: That'd be a pretty song.
Merlin: Well, this is Dead Rubber Girl.
Merlin: Yeah, it's a Dead Milkman song.
Merlin: I met a girl and she was shiny on her skin.
Merlin: Hi, Dean, if you're listening.
Merlin: Did you know that somebody from that band listens to our show?
Merlin: I'm very excited about that.
Merlin: Because it's a band I really like a lot.
Merlin: Well, I know.
Merlin: I do, too, and I did not realize that.
Merlin: Oh, no.
Merlin: This is the kind of thing I'm facing now is realizing that people we know listen to the show and it freaks me out.
And it's just super nice.
Merlin: That's weird.
Merlin: Yeah, we've got to fix that bug.
Merlin: I heard people got a bug.
Merlin: Here's the thing.
Merlin: Right now I want to say one last thing.
Merlin: I'm saying that in the entire side rail, there's not one link in the side rail.
Merlin: I don't want to click on female real doll, female real doll to male real doll.
Merlin: Doll closet.
Merlin: I'm so not clicking on that.
Doll closet.
Exactly.
Merlin: That'd be a great name for a bar where you had real dolls.
Merlin: You know what I mean?
Merlin: You come in, you give them fake money.
Merlin: That's a Portland bar is what that is.
Merlin: Fake money and it pretends to dance.
Merlin: But here's the thing about a real doll.
Merlin: Doll locations was the last one I wanted to mention.
Merlin: One time a friend of mine was like, he needed to help a friend move his something or couch or something.
Merlin: And he was like, hey, will you come help me move this couch for this guy?
Merlin: And I said, yeah, of course.
Merlin: And we got in his car and we drove over to this neighborhood that I never went to.
Merlin: And here's this guy.
Merlin: He's a super nice guy.
Merlin: We're hanging out.
Merlin: And we're going to move his couch for him.
Merlin: And then it turns out he has a cockatiel.
Merlin: He has a big white cockatiel like Beretta.
Merlin: Like a Beretta bird.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: And so I'm fascinated by this bird.
Merlin: He brings the bird out and I'm like, oh my God, this bird is so amazing.
Merlin: And the bird gets on my finger and I feel like I'm really getting to know the bird and the bird is getting to know me.
Merlin: It's a smart bird.
Merlin: We're interacting with each other.
Merlin: We're having a moment, right?
Merlin: And the guy is remarking on it like, wow, he doesn't usually like other people and this bird is... My bird is really like...
Merlin: He digs you, man.
Merlin: I was like, yeah, your bird digs me, and I dig your bird.
Merlin: And we're looking at each other.
Merlin: We're looking in each other's eyes.
Merlin: And the bird leans down and kind of gently...
Merlin: grabs onto my lip with his with his beak but he's being very gentle and i'm like this is this is nice he's he's giving me a kiss at first i was scared but now it's kind of pleasant and then the bird slips me the tongue oh man bird puts his tongue confidently well yeah like a kiss and i went haha
Merlin: Wow, weird.
Merlin: And the guy, the bird owner, gets all bent out of shape.
Merlin: And he's like, hey, man, why are you kissing my bird?
Merlin: Why are you French kissing my bird, dude?
Merlin: And he's pissed off.
Merlin: And I'm like, I didn't French kiss your bird.
Merlin: Your bird kissed me.
Merlin: I'm just standing here.
Merlin: I was holding him on my finger and looking him in the eye.
Merlin: And he reaches out and he gives me a little blue tongue in the mouth.
Merlin: And the guy's like, give me my bird back.
Merlin: And he gets the bird.
Merlin: And he's like, you know, why don't you guys get out of here?
Merlin: Like, I don't even want you to move my couch.
Merlin: And he literally kicks us out of his place.
Merlin: We didn't do the favor that we came to do.
Merlin: And as we drive off, he's standing there on the street like kissing his bird and all hacked off at me because I was like copping a feel or whatever.
Merlin: And I was both offended and a little disgusted when I realized that I probably had salmonella at this point.
Merlin: but i feel like the problem with a real doll is the same thing you if you because these things are not inexpensive no but i mean i get the sense that there's a lot of craftsmanship that goes in so you buy one of these things you dress it up you interact with it you spend a lot of time with it and then some guys come over to move your couch and you're like hey i want you to meet somebody like you could you almost couldn't help it you got to watch this you got to
Merlin: watch this movie because it's kind of actually it's sweet in its way that it's there's these a lot of these guys sure there's like a definitely a somewhat sexual component to it they're forever alone these guys is that a term is that a hyphenate forever alone i'm afraid that that is an internet meme okay that the young people is that from 4chan oh see i'm not supposed to talk about it okay
Merlin: I appreciate that.
Merlin: I'm trying to figure this out because I may have something here that merits some funding and possibly some kind of a series.
Merlin: Let's see.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: Sorry, Sam.
Merlin: But in any case, I just want you to know they're made down by LA.
Merlin: So if you came here, we could go to the factory.
Merlin: You can get a factory tour just after what it's worth.
Merlin: Maybe we should do that.
Merlin: It's just, I'm trying to in advance figure out what the etiquette is.
Merlin: If somebody introduces you to their dead rubber girl, do you put your tongue in her mouth?
Probably not.
Merlin: You know what else has been in her mouth.
Merlin: But I mean, do you pet her hair?
Merlin: How do you interact with her?
Merlin: It's a really good question.
Merlin: But I think, first of all, I just want to be clear that, again, I do apologize to the people of Real Doll Trademark of San Marcos.
Merlin: It's one of those fake cities in California.
Merlin: San Marcos.
Merlin: It's not a real San Marcos.
Merlin: No, that's obviously made up.
Merlin: They say they are the industry leader since 1996.
Merlin: Oh, the industry leader.
Merlin: That's a big vertical space, I guess.
Merlin: They're just taunting all the other dead rubber grill manufacturing industries.
Merlin: Yeah, exactly.
Merlin: Fake doll.
Merlin: We're the McDonald's of fuck dolls.
Merlin: Now listen, I have a feeling there are places, there are probably fora that we could go to where we could get a lot of extremely specific tips, but here's what I'm going to say.
Merlin: I'm going to say it's going to be like a combination of being introduced to somebody's
Merlin: Younger than she should be girlfriend.
Merlin: Not underaged, but you know, like old guy with a lady in her 20s kind of thing.
Merlin: Like meeting her.
Merlin: I'm hoping to be that guy one day.
Merlin: Combined with a Siamese cat and maybe a nice car.
Merlin: Like I think all of the things that you would observe.
Merlin: Okay, so in other words, don't say she has nice tits.
Merlin: Don't put your hands near her mouth and don't start rubbing the upholstery.
Merlin: I think that's the kind of thing somebody would respect.
Merlin: You come in, you treat my real doll with respect.
Merlin: Just like you'd treat me.
Merlin: And I think the problem is that bird, that bird sounds, I don't know a lot about, as you know, I'm not an avian sex expert, John, but I think that that bird might've been a little bit bird promiscuous or at least human curious.
Merlin: I, you know, after, after I was a few miles down the road, I thought maybe the bird was, maybe that was a cry for help.
Merlin: Maybe the bird was saying, get me out of here.
Merlin: I'm imagining one of those sequences where like suddenly it goes and like, you can't get the bird out of your mind.
Merlin: Little blue tongue is very slowly.
Merlin: You're still, you're still, you're still tasting bird seed.
Oh, cockatiel.
Oh, cockatiel.
Merlin: That's a dirty sounding bird.
Merlin: It is.
Does this bird pack anything under the feather?
Merlin: Yeah, sure.
Merlin: i didn't i didn't dig it i didn't even know what gender the bird was that could have been a totally gay experience that i had with that bird it depends beyond it being a french kissing i think you stipulated that if you fuck something dead that's the same gender as you are it's that's a gay thing now what about and what about an animal did we talk i mean we got into this a little bit right
Merlin: You remember those guys that were down here in Woodinville that were going out in the middle of the night and having sex with horses?
Merlin: And then one guy got... He died.
Merlin: Consentually?
Merlin: Well, I can't say how much a horse can consent to having sex with a guy.
Merlin: If it taps twice.
But...
Merlin: You like carrots?
You like carrots?
Merlin: But one of the guys died because... Chestnut, chestnut, you like carrots?
Merlin: The horse was having sex with him and he broke something on his insides.
Merlin: On the horsey's insides?
Merlin: Oh, on the man's insides.
Merlin: Oh, the horsey was the man.
Merlin: In this scenario, the horsey was the man character.
Merlin: Oh, they call that horse topping.
Merlin: And the human man was the lady character.
Merlin: Oh, man.
Merlin: And it broke something in him and he said, I think they were videotaping it because that's what you do, right?
Merlin: You don't want to let this moment go undocumented.
Merlin: And the guy said, oh, something just is wrong now.
Merlin: And they raced him to the hospital.
Merlin: I think horses have pretty large penises.
Merlin: I believe that's true.
Merlin: I have – there's not even a word close – accidental.
Merlin: They're large animals.
Merlin: They sure are.
Merlin: I think this is generally a proportional thing.
Merlin: You know what?
Merlin: I'm not even going to say this.
Merlin: All I'm going to say is, you know, I think if you make yourself a lady horse, I think, I don't want to say you get what you have coming because God bless you.
Merlin: Anybody who's happy doing what they're doing and if the horse is into it.
Merlin: I think they were hoping that they got what was coming.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: But I think you're right.
Merlin: If you make yourself a lady horse, it is on you.
Literally.
Merlin: The burden is on you to not die from being a lady horse.
Merlin: Do you think you would have called the next day or waited?
Yeah.
Merlin: You know, I think it's a thing where the owner of the horse did not approve.
Merlin: This sounds like we could be getting into something Talmudic.
Merlin: No offense.
Merlin: This was speaking around, but... Well, this is something... There's a lot of complexity in this, and I think regardless... Did you just say no offense as though I would be offended by you making a Talmud reference?
Merlin: There might be something in the Pentateuch.
Merlin: I'm not sure, but I think this is the kind of thing where whether or not you agree with this, whether you want to think being a lady horse is ethical regardless of your religious background.
Merlin: I don't want to get into religion.
Merlin: I think there are people that would have this discussion about some of these very things.
Merlin: Valentine's Day.
Merlin: Is Valentine's Day something I need to do?
Merlin: Assuming you are not killed by the horse that's fucking you.
Merlin: What is the obligation of that horse?
Merlin: Did that horse enter that freely?
Merlin: Have what Judge Wapner has called a meeting of the minds.
Merlin: I think these are things to think about because, you know, there's a lot of stuff happening in the world today, John.
Merlin: And I think we're going to be facing more and more of the lady horse type situations.
Merlin: You ever seen Equus?
Merlin: Have you ever seen that Equus movie?
Merlin: No.
Merlin: It's a complicated movie.
Merlin: I don't know a lot about horses, although my cousin runs a horse rehabilitation clinic outside of Austin.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: But in my experience... If they've been drinking...
Merlin: No, not for alcoholic horses.
Merlin: For race horses and thoroughbred horses.
Merlin: Oh, so it's like speed.
Merlin: They're all met up for the racing.
Merlin: No, it's that they get hurt.
Merlin: But you don't... A horse would get hurt and you'd shoot it because it was the Old West and that's what you did in the Old West.
Merlin: If you didn't know what to do with something, you shot it.
Merlin: But now they can do other things.
Merlin: They can make a $6 million horse that's better, faster, stronger
Merlin: I'd love to see the scene with Oscar Goldman describing to the horse what he'd be able to do now.
Merlin: And for another thing, this is against my better judgment, you now have a bionic horse cock.
Merlin: You have super horse gear.
Merlin: But my experience of horses is that if you make yourself a lady horse for a horse and the following day you don't know what to get them, Alfalfa.
Merlin: A horse will always appreciate a bouquet of alfalfa.
Merlin: And it really, it works for any situation.
Merlin: It works if they're recovering from $6 million horse surgery.
Merlin: If you were a lady horse for them the night before and you're a little shy the next day, alfalfa.
Merlin: I fucking hate you.
Merlin: It's way too early.
Merlin: I don't think horses contrive in the same way that people do.
Merlin: I think horses like dogs, which people also like to be fucked by.
Merlin: I think horses mainly want to please us.
Merlin: They want to feel useful.
Merlin: They're like border collies.
Merlin: They're earnest.
Merlin: They are earnest animals, yeah.
Merlin: Yeah, and so I don't know.
Merlin: See, this is the problem.
Merlin: Now I feel like I'm outside my element, and I'm going to say things that are going to get me in trouble, but I don't think horses overthink this stuff.
Merlin: But the other problem is horses don't have phones, at least not in the same way that we do.
Merlin: Maybe they could be on the Facebook or something.
Merlin: This is very complicated today, John.
Merlin: I've said this before, but I think Valentine's Day is a test.
Merlin: I think it's a way to find out what somebody really thinks about you.
Merlin: and i personally can i just say like lady horsing aside i think i would love to be in a relationship where it was that clear that when we love each other we have horse sex and then give each other alfalfa with could you can you think back over the last 20 years how much simpler everything would be if i could have just given a bouquet of alfalfa
Merlin: And everything would be right?
Merlin: There's so many garter belts I want to take back.
Merlin: But here's the thing about domesticating a horse.
Merlin: You remember that a horse is not automatically domesticated.
Merlin: A horse is free in the wind, and you have to break the horse.
Merlin: Of course, of course.
Merlin: Yeah, to put a saddle on the horse and make the horse learn to like it.
Merlin: Okay, now you're getting into my territory.
Merlin: So, in that sense... I saw a lady at the Albertsons, I saw a lady at the Albertsons probably six weeks ago, dressed up in her getting ready to ride a horse outfit.
Merlin: Oh.
Merlin: And I almost, my cart flipped over.
Merlin: My kids, they're just a pile of like groceries and goldfish crackers.
Merlin: I was so disoriented.
Merlin: Because she had a riding crop in one of those velvet hats?
No, not in the crop part.
Merlin: It's just those pants do something to a lady's behind.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: You know, and I'm not even a big behind guy.
Merlin: They make it seem wider is what they do.
Merlin: They make it seem well cared for.
Merlin: Those are expensive pants, and a woman in a pair of pants like that has an expensive bottom.
Merlin: You know, it's a very expensive bottom, and you know what?
Merlin: That's a lady who thought some things through.
Merlin: You don't just fucking show up at Albertsons in the giant boots and the tight pants and a little hat.
Merlin: You don't just do that.
Merlin: That's crazy.
Merlin: She knows what she's doing.
Merlin: Yeah, like, I'm a sexy nurse.
Merlin: Like, fuck that.
Merlin: This is the real thing.
Merlin: Now, I want to cover one more thing.
Merlin: She's been to the Korean spa and had a lady tweeze every last little piece of downy fur out of her bottom.
Merlin: Because you get that from a horse.
Merlin: Oh, you're talking about butt bleaching.
Merlin: No, her own downy fur.
Okay.
Not the horse.
Merlin: That's the thing.
Merlin: You can get your butt bleached.
Merlin: You know about that?
Merlin: I did know about that.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: Here's the thing.
Merlin: I want to close the hole on the real doll thing.
Merlin: Here's the thing.
Merlin: Now, when you go in, I haven't gone through.
Merlin: I've got to be honest with you.
Merlin: I look at a lot of terrifying things on the internet, but there's so many of these links I'm not clicking on just because I can't.
Merlin: But if memory serves, this is like what?
Merlin: This is like buying a PC in the late 90s.
Merlin: You go in, and you give them a lot of specificity about what you're looking for.
Merlin: If memory serves, down to things like fingernails.
Merlin: Do you want that creepy French manicure thing?
Merlin: Like, I don't know.
Merlin: I think maybe when you choose the body types, I got to tell you, I give Abyss Creations of San Marcos, California, a lot of credit because they put the power in the hands of the horseman here.
Merlin: I hope they sponsor us after this.
Merlin: I would like to get, if not a free doll, then at least some money.
Merlin: John, it sounds to me like you might like to at least give one of these ladies a spin.
Merlin: You know what?
Merlin: Take her around the block.
Merlin: I'm not going to deny it.
Merlin: I'd be curious.
Merlin: I think that I would have some remorse.
Merlin: I think the next day I would show up with some alfalfa and try and smooth it over.
Merlin: That's right.
Merlin: Shine the saddle.
Merlin: You know what?
Merlin: I don't want to know what you like in bed.
Let me ask you this question.
Merlin: Have you ever met a man who cared about a woman's manicure?
Merlin: That is an example of a thing that women do for one another.
Merlin: I can't imagine there's a guy who's like, oh, your fingernails.
Merlin: Oh, my God.
Merlin: When I get this real doll, I'm going to get her fingernails a certain way.
Merlin: Certainly, I have never looked at a woman's fingernails and thought, she did that for me.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: I think, I think there is a, I, first of all, to answer your question, I don't think I have, but I think there's this whole constellation.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: So there's all the bullshit that every mook likes.
Merlin: I want her to have boobs.
Merlin: And then there's on the other side, which is like, I want her to have a prosthetic leg and be named Amy.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: And then all in between there's such a switch.
I'm sorry.
Merlin: Amy, Amy.
Merlin: I was at the store for that in Portland the other day.
Merlin: I should have gotten you one.
Merlin: You're at the prosthetic limb store?
Merlin: It's called Famy Amy.
Merlin: Why am I suddenly speaking like Elmer Fudd?
Merlin: It's called Famy Amy.
Merlin: It's over in Stumptown.
Merlin: Hold for a laugh.
Merlin: It's actually a neighborhood in, what's it called?
Merlin: Portland?
Merlin: Stumptown?
Merlin: Portland used to be called Stumptown.
Merlin: Fuck.
All right.
Merlin: That was almost a really good joke, right?
Merlin: Yeah, that was a great joke.
Merlin: All right, moving on.
Merlin: Here's the thing.
Merlin: It was just a little too smart.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: That's what Nietzsche would have said.
Merlin: The thing about this is, yes, yes, absolutely.
Merlin: There is a continuum, right?
Merlin: And there's in between, you could call it somewhere between a preference and a fetish.
Merlin: And I think like the fetish folks have a pretty good idea of what they're looking for.
Merlin: Not always an easy time getting it, but like, you know, the further off on the continuum you are, like the tougher that may be.
Merlin: I think a real doll comes in handy there.
Merlin: Because I think actually in the FAQ, it kind of gives you an idea of like... Handy.
Merlin: That was a pretty good joke.
Merlin: I want to get this right.
Merlin: Well, I think you can get a kind of handy.
Merlin: I think there's one where it's like, how much can I choke my doll maybe without a break in?
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: All right.
Merlin: I clicked on FAQ.
Merlin: How much can I choke my doll?
Merlin: Dear sirs.
Merlin: With regards to your latest.
Merlin: I would like to go with a particularly chokeable neck.
Merlin: FAQ number 12.
Merlin: How much weight can the doll support?
Merlin: One sentence.
Merlin: Real dolls can safely support over 400 pounds.
Merlin: And I'm sure, I swear to you, I'm sure there are guys who have read that FAQ and gone, only 400 pounds?
Merlin: Darn!
Merlin: 14.
Merlin: Tell me more about the doll's entries.
Merlin: What is the range of the doll's... Wasn't that a Judas Priest record?
Merlin: What is the range of the doll's joints?
Merlin: Wait, give me a couple more.
Merlin: Oh, can a real doll's fingers close and grip?
Merlin: There's the handy.
Merlin: That's the handy we were talking about.
Merlin: Yep, yep, yep.
Merlin: There's a lot in here.
Merlin: Oh, my goodness.
Merlin: There's lots of stuff in here.
Merlin: We are hemorrhaging listeners right now, by the way.
Merlin: There are so many people.
Merlin: So to your point, you bring up a really, really excellent point, though.
Merlin: And now we're getting into, like, anthropology is the thing.
Merlin: Like, okay, so I think you're right.
Merlin: I think there are some things, like, let's be honest, like, mostly things like hairstyles, definitely things like general style of dress.
Merlin: uh things like what how how you i don't want to say manicures but how you choose to do things like keep your nails like you know like like do you wear a scarf do you have this kind of backpack i think there's a whole bunch of stuff that is like a very much a woman's way like a man's way same as like a man would have like an expensive thing like or a nice thing or a signifying thing i think there are people who buy iphones because they want to be somebody who bought an iphone
Merlin: But I think there's a lot of things where, yes, it could be a telegraph to other people.
Merlin: And I think, I think like, like there's a lot of cute girls in Portland.
That's why I bought a telegraph.
Merlin: Absolutely.
Merlin: Hmm.
Merlin: See, that was too smart.
Merlin: It's a little too smart for once.
Merlin: Um, and then there's a lot of like really, really cute ladies in Portland.
Merlin: I've realized that like, wouldn't everyone have anything to do with me, but I respect that.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: And it's kind of, can I get customized lobby and nipples?
Merlin: That's FAQ number one.
Merlin: Lobby.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yes, we were able to do customized genitalia and nipples.
Merlin: Yeah, your pronunciation of certain things is one of the great joys for me.
Merlin: I would like to write them and just say, could I get salami nipples?
Merlin: no you're misunderstanding me yes sir i want mr geene you cannot get salami nipples could she come with a lampshade the thing the thing about girls in portland of course this is the this is the amazing a lot of cute girls in portland well there are but portland used to be at least and i think this is still true about it it was the it was the place where punk rock and hippie
Merlin: perfectly melded so that every punk rock girl is about 40 percent hippie and every hippie girl is about 40 punk rock but so often it works it shouldn't work but it shouldn't work at all but it works amazingly
Merlin: So you're driving around and you're like, oh, look at that stinky hippie.
Merlin: But you're like, oh, no, wait.
Merlin: She's kind of punk and so hot.
Merlin: And then you look over and you're like, oh, look at that punk girl.
Merlin: And you're like, oh, wait.
Merlin: But she's kind of hippie.
Merlin: It so works.
Merlin: And girl after girl after girl.
Merlin: And I've never been to another place in the universe where the culture so perfectly combines these two generally disgusting things
Merlin: uh sort of sort of stylistic and lifestyle choices and and melds it into something that's so appealing yeah and in a way that is if i may say organic like it doesn't seem like you're just slapping two things together do you know what i mean right yeah no it's absolutely organic right it's like these girls all but you've seen people in portland like like ladies that you you like say oh that's a very attractive woman like you say like she's very attractive right
Merlin: Well, this is the old... In your head.
Merlin: I went to a different town, and the girls are all cute probably.
Merlin: Well, here's the thing.
Merlin: If you go to San Francisco, there are so many cute girls in San Francisco, you don't even know what to do with yourself.
Merlin: Especially if you've just been to L.A.
Merlin: Oh, my God.
Merlin: That's like real dolls in cars, which is a great Buzzcock song.
Merlin: Okay, here's the problem, though.
Merlin: Under Custom Dolls FAQ, number five, can you sculpt a custom head or likeness from a photo?
Merlin: Uh-oh.
Merlin: Unfortunately, they can't.
Merlin: The longer one, much longer question, number six under Custom Dolls, can I have a doll made of a celebrity model or my ex-girlfriend?
Merlin: If I bring a driver's license to you, can you make a real doll that looks just like the person in the driver's license?
Merlin: I bet a lot of guys want this to go to the next step, which would be cloning.
Merlin: Which is like, if I can bring the sock that I stole, can you start with the foot, obviously?
Merlin: If I bring some garbage that I found... Did you know you can buy a foot to fuck?
Merlin: Did you know there's fuckable feet you can buy?
Merlin: Not only did I know this, but I saw one on the internet the other day.
Merlin: It's not a lifelike foot that you are frottaging.
Merlin: It's a foot that has a vagina in it.
Merlin: Oh, I haven't seen that.
Merlin: That's a good idea.
Merlin: It's a foot.
Merlin: And then on the bottom of the foot, there's actually an orifice.
Merlin: Does it look like any orifices you've seen before?
Merlin: It looks like an orifice that I have seen in other locations.
Merlin: But all the women I've known, I have never seen one with an orifice on the bottom.
Merlin: Is it a front door or a back door?
Merlin: It's a front door.
Merlin: It's a front door.
Merlin: A rubber front door in a disembodied foot.
Merlin: Which part of the fake rubber foot?
Merlin: Like, is it on the sole?
Merlin: It's the entire foot.
Merlin: It's just one big sole vagina.
Merlin: As you would say, the lobby is on the sole of the foot, of the dead foot.
Merlin: By the way, one of the great rejected titles for an Al Green Record, sole vagina.
Merlin: And so the thing that I think we still have not fully established is that this is a bespoke – let me get your term right.
Merlin: This is a bespoke dead rubber curl.
Merlin: You do get to pick.
Merlin: Oh, I'm sorry.
Merlin: I didn't answer your previous question.
Merlin: I don't want to derail, but it's a very important question.
Merlin: So yes, on the continuum, on the one side you go – You definitely don't want to get derailed from this.
Merlin: You know what?
Merlin: John, we've been friends for several years, and I have to tell you, I very seldom think ahead.
Merlin: I'm just very happy to just do things with you, as you know.
Merlin: But it's hard for me to think of a non-obvious topic that needs deeper penetration than this issue.
Merlin: We could talk about music.
Merlin: We're still going to have our Paul McCartney show.
Merlin: There's all kinds of bullshit that anybody could guess.
Merlin: Oh, boy, John and Merlin are going to talk about toilet paper and food.
Merlin: Let me go fucking get my – anyway, so here's the thing.
Merlin: I'm going to get my toilet paper and food so I can play along while they talk.
Merlin: That's right.
Merlin: There's a lot of customization available.
Merlin: You can get the kind of hair you want.
Merlin: I'm going to stop this in a minute, but I just want to make it clear.
Merlin: You can't.
Merlin: Please jump in.
Merlin: Let me ask here.
Merlin: What you're saying is it is impossible to buy a stock reel doll.
Merlin: You have to make a custom reel doll.
Merlin: You're going to make me click on things.
Merlin: You can't just buy version A. You have to say, I want it.
Merlin: Oh, you're not getting off that easy, buddy.
Merlin: I want Angelina Jolie lips, and I want Charlize Theron's.
Merlin: Oh, my fucking God.
Merlin: I'm so sorry.
Merlin: I'm breaking all my rules.
Merlin: What did you find?
Merlin: I'm typing.
Merlin: I'm looking at the internet, and I'm sending you a link in the robot.
Merlin: I'm sorry.
Merlin: I'm still looking at Porsches here.
Merlin: Whatever her name is.
Merlin: Here's the thing.
Merlin: You get a standard female with all three entries.
Merlin: First of all, from now on, I'm calling all of the Penetrable Lady Parts entries.
Merlin: Holy my goodness, it's $6,000 for that thing.
Merlin: It's $5,999.
Merlin: Now, scroll down.
Merlin: You can get elf ears for $150.
Merlin: Keep going.
Keep going to custom skin tones.
Merlin: Skin tones, skin tones.
Merlin: Go to skin tones.
Merlin: Expression faces.
Merlin: That looks like Tawny Katane.
Merlin: Oh, it sure does.
Merlin: Well, she's the one married to the guy in Journey.
Merlin: is that tawny kane tawny tawny kane katane was married to the guy from white snake i think david coverdale female doll yeah yeah good now now john can i just be clear that what you're looking at look look at the first sentence under option a detachable penis oh my god that's the king missile song detachable penis detachable penis second most disappointing show i ever went to
Merlin: Oh, that's sad.
Merlin: Modest Mouse was the worst.
Merlin: I know the guy from... Yeah, his name's like John Dongface or something.
Merlin: Was his name Dr. Phil?
Merlin: He lives in San Francisco.
Merlin: No, he seems nice.
Merlin: You're saying that Modest Mouse was the most disappointing rock show you've ever been to?
Merlin: Yep.
Merlin: Oh, I don't want to get derailed from the She-Mail Reel doll, but what happened at the Modest Mouse concert?
Merlin: I hope they were high because I hope they were either I hope they were either high or I hope they were mad about craft services because I've never been to a more phoned in fucking show in my entire life.
Merlin: This is 1997 or eight.
Merlin: It was around the real real signs of the real West Highway West.
Merlin: What the fuck's that album they had?
Merlin: They were huffing modeling glue at that point.
Merlin: They were young guys from the... You know, I can enjoy a lot of things, John.
Merlin: I like a lot of different kinds of music, you know?
Merlin: I don't like a low show because I don't like being shushed and being told to sit Indian style.
Merlin: I will not go to a low show.
Merlin: I've been shushed at two different low shows.
Merlin: For a permanently attached penis with testicles but no vagina, add $750 to your order.
Merlin: Can I just ask, is there anything to be lost by making it detachable?
Merlin: Because it seems to me that now you've got options.
Merlin: Now, let me ask you this.
Merlin: When you detach it, what do you have there?
Merlin: Is it a bolt?
Merlin: Is it an entry?
Merlin: What do you have there?
Merlin: That's a good question.
Merlin: Oh, you can change to a different sized penis attachment.
Oh.
Merlin: And additional penis attachments are $250.
Merlin: John, we're being cynical about this.
Merlin: There's so much to this that we're not taking into account.
Merlin: We're coming in and we're just making jokes about this.
Merlin: This is flexibility.
This is flexibility.
Merlin: Option C is permanently attached penis, no testicles, but with the vagina intact.
Merlin: And that costs $1,000.
Merlin: Oh, and that's like a Jamie Lee Curtis kind of deal.
Merlin: You have every option then.
Merlin: Can I get you to click on Female Real Doll 2 in the left rail?
Merlin: All right.
Merlin: What I'm impressed with is custom skin tones.
Merlin: Oh, you're already there.
Merlin: Are you already there?
Merlin: You can get a blue doll.
Merlin: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Merlin: Yeah, you're on the one with the lady.
Merlin: Female Real Doll 2 is what you're saying.
Merlin: That's so funny you should say that because I've developed a crush on a blue lady in Star Wars.
Merlin: I think her name is Ayla Secura.
Merlin: Is she in the cantina scene?
Merlin: Or are you talking about one of the non-canonical Star Warses?
Merlin: No, no.
Merlin: It's canonical.
Merlin: Well, it's canonical in the sense that it's Clone Wars.
Merlin: Oh, it's a cartoon I watched with my kid.
Merlin: It's so good.
Merlin: Oh, I see.
Merlin: It's one of the... I think it's in between two and three.
Merlin: It's Star Wars fanfic.
Merlin: No, no.
Merlin: No, no.
Merlin: No, no.
Merlin: It's a really good cartoon.
Merlin: Don't look at the Lego ones.
Merlin: That won't give you the right idea.
Merlin: Okay, so here's the thing.
Merlin: I'm attracted to the Victoria model, and Layla is kind of nice too.
Merlin: Huh, got you on my knees.
Merlin: Victoria is kind of, she's like an Irish lass, kind of a wide-faced Irish girl, and she seems mad.
Merlin: She seems a little drunk.
Merlin: Yeah, and what's nice is it's like seven minutes long after you come in her, there's a really long piano coda.
Merlin: Is that too smart or not smart enough?
Merlin: Oh, I see what you're talking about.
Merlin: This blue cartoon girl.
Merlin: That girl was in the original Star Wars.
Merlin: Well, here?
Merlin: Wasn't she on Boba Fett or on Jabba the Hutt's sex barge?
Oh.
Merlin: Oh, no, no, no.
Merlin: I think... Yeah, no, no.
Merlin: She's the same.
Merlin: I think she's called... Is it a Twi'lek?
Merlin: Oh, God.
Merlin: Ayla Secura.
Merlin: Wasn't she a Twi'lek?
Merlin: Is that what it's called?
Yeah.
Merlin: I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right.
Merlin: No, no.
Merlin: I know who you're talking about.
Merlin: You're talking about she gets thrown to the Rancor because he's displeased with her.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: No, no.
Merlin: She's a Twi'lek.
Merlin: Apparently, she wears that outfit because it gives, according to Wikipedia, because it gives her more flexibility as a Jedi.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: She's a badass.
Merlin: She's a fucking Jedi and she's like super confident and blue.
Merlin: What are her head appendages?
Merlin: See, she's a Twi'lek.
Merlin: They all have that.
Merlin: So that was a Twi'lek you saw.
Merlin: John, do you even know where Wookieepedia is?
Merlin: On the internet?
Merlin: Oh, John.
Merlin: Just go search for Wikipedia.
Merlin: And yes, it does have two O's and two E's.
Merlin: John, can I ask you to please click?
Merlin: Let's leave Ayla behind.
Merlin: I don't even want you to know about her right now.
Merlin: Let's go to Female Reel Doll 2 in the left rail.
Merlin: For anybody playing along, I hope you can figure all this out.
Merlin: And again, I just want to apologize a final time.
Merlin: Female Real Doll 2, I'm there.
Merlin: Given that you have been the industry leader since 1996, I would like to extend a really serious apology to everybody at Real Doll TM of San someplace.
San Mateo.
Are you there?
Yeah, I'm here.
Merlin: Are you at Female Real Doll 2 order form?
Merlin: She weighs 80 pounds and is 5'3".
Merlin: This is the problem with not finishing the first part of this.
Merlin: This is a really real fucking real doll.
Merlin: Like, it weighs stuff.
Merlin: You pick it up and it feels like a lady.
Merlin: It feels like an honest to God, actual, real, dead rubber girl.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: So, anybody who's gone to this, I don't know if I'll do this.
Merlin: Now, here are your skin tone options.
Fair.
Merlin: Fair.
Merlin: Asian.
Mm-hmm.
Merlin: medium medium tanned and light african light african you can't get a dark african there's no fucking grace jones button i click the shit out of that see that that offends me now amara they should there should be a dark girl can i get an amara with a fair do they do a preview i bet it's not i'd love that would be crazy if you got amara but with fair skin yeah but well you know what she'd look like she'd look like an albino black girl
Merlin: I look at every one of these real doll faces and I see a problem in this relationship with every one of these faces and they're all my fault.
Merlin: You know, in high school, my high school girlfriend was a redheaded girl.
Merlin: What was, what was her doll name?
Merlin: Her name was Kelly.
Merlin: She was a German-Irish girl.
Merlin: She had auburn hair and freckles.
Merlin: Wow.
Merlin: So she's drunk and confident.
Merlin: She was very confident.
Merlin: But we were walking down the street one day, and this was in the 80s, of course, and she had her hair, I think she had done her auburn hair in cornrows because, yeah, I didn't like it either, but it was the 80s, and so it was, everybody thought that they were going to be Bo Derek for a week and a half.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: She had her hair in cornrows when we were walking down the street and some rednecks drive by and roll down the window and shout out, nigger lover.
Merlin: And now they're referring to you.
Merlin: And we looked around and we were the only people on the street.
Merlin: And then she looked at me and I looked at her and she started laughing.
Merlin: She was like, they think I'm black.
Merlin: And I looked at her and all of a sudden, you know, this incredibly light skinned, freckle faced Irish girl with cornrows, it transformed in my eyes to an albino black girl who has that kind of, you know, when, when you see an albino black person, they look like a redheaded Irish girl.
Merlin: And we had, oh my God, we, I think you may have found some kind of human wormhole.
That's really weird, John.
Merlin: That's exactly right.
Merlin: We realized then that race was a myth.
Merlin: Wow.
Merlin: You learned a lesson about love.
Merlin: Moving on.
Merlin: Now, for your finger and toenail color, are you going French manicure, pink, red, burgundy, or bronze?
Merlin: I think I'm going to go... I don't like any of these.
Merlin: I want just no... Can I get no polish?
Merlin: That's not an option.
Merlin: Let's see here.
Merlin: I guess red.
Merlin: It seems kind of obvious.
Merlin: No, no, no.
Merlin: French manicure.
Merlin: Oh, I hate French manicure so much.
Okay.
You know what?
We don't have time anymore.
Merlin: We don't have time anymore.
Merlin: Oh, no.
Merlin: They're so disgusting.
Merlin: It just says, like, BizDevGirl.
Merlin: Now, hairstyle.
Merlin: This is going to be complicated.
Merlin: I can get a custom hairstyle.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: I don't want natural lips because those don't look natural.
Merlin: It looks like peach melba.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: I wish they'd let me redesign this website for them.
Merlin: There's a lot of UI things that they can make a lot easier here.
Merlin: I think if I'm... Oh, my goodness.
Merlin: The shemale converter for three... John.
Merlin: Heck of slamming.
Merlin: as prince would say my hand to god i think we saw that at the exact same second oh boy you don't want to zoom in on that i do i do not i'm zooming out and zoom in zooming out i'm zooming out across the room i don't it looks like it looks like either a workout machine or some kind of a frosty drink maker i don't see how maybe maybe a video game like a flight-based video game
Merlin: I don't see how architecturally that can support a 400-pound man.
Merlin: I think the little dingus that holds it into the shell of the dead rubber lady body is going to have to be very strong.
Merlin: I think it's going to be a steel-based.
Merlin: Yeah, there's titanium.
Merlin: You know what it is?
Merlin: It's a Terminator body under there.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: I was worried that glands are just going to pop right off.
Merlin: It's some kind of Terminator thing, and that way you can, I don't know what you would, I mean, the only reason to have that appendage, that apparatus attached to this girl is that you would sit on it.
Merlin: I just figured out.
Merlin: You would make yourself a lady horse and sit on this.
Merlin: Oh, well, there it is, John.
Merlin: There it is.
I'm sorry.
Merlin: I don't mean to interrupt you, but here it is.
Merlin: Question answered.
Merlin: Look into the Shemel converter that I just sent you.
Merlin: That explains if they're using physics.
Merlin: But that still doesn't seem like, oh, maybe.
Merlin: I mean, if it's all made out of silicone, I suppose.
Merlin: No, it's five basic machines.
Merlin: Okay, now, John, can I just point out?
Merlin: Oh, you only have to work out for four minutes a day.
Merlin: That's right.
Merlin: And the exercise machine costs $40,000.
Merlin: That's right.
Merlin: It's 30 pounds of solid steel.
Merlin: Can I point out two things that I just figured out where the real money is?
Merlin: So you say, yes, yes, sir.
Merlin: You will be paying $6,000 for one of these.
Merlin: Can I point out two things?
Merlin: Oh, wait a minute.
Merlin: Shit, I have so much to cover.
Merlin: Vagina attachment style, permanent or removable.
Merlin: But look at this.
Merlin: Okay, so go down to extra options.
Merlin: Go down to extra options and what do you see?
Merlin: One cup, just literally one cup size larger breasts.
Merlin: How much?
Merlin: I navigated away.
Merlin: I couldn't look anymore, but now you have to walk me back through there.
Merlin: But now I'm looking at elf ears.
Oh, that's like the other page.
Here's the thing.
Merlin: I feel like I'm at Comic-Con here.
Merlin: Okay, so there's lots of men.
Merlin: I feel like I'm at Comic-Con because there's one girl with elf ears.
Merlin: And a lot of men looking at her.
Merlin: Surrounded by 6,400 pound metal.
Merlin: So hard for me to understand why anyone would go to that.
Merlin: Okay, so here's the thing.
Merlin: I want to come back to that.
Merlin: These ladies, these real doll ladies, is that I say that right?
Merlin: Real doll.
Merlin: Again, I want to apologize to the real doll people, trademark.
Merlin: Real doll.
Merlin: here's the thing these these dolls in situ as they arrive have what i would describe in context as something very near jugs the two basic models have either so there's the 3320 they're c cups and personally i gotta say of all the cups the c cup is one of my favorite cups um i think the c cup is uh i think it's a good amount it's like a medium-sized coke oh oh oh underneath the shimmel converter yes
Merlin: You did not see the click here to see the Masterpiece Eyes collection.
Merlin: Oh, God, I'm closing that.
Merlin: Just above that, John, please look at one cup size larger breasts and tell me the number.
Merlin: $850 for one... You want a D cup, you're going to pay $850 more.
Merlin: Now, may I get you to go to the very, very bottom of the page and look for the red text?
Merlin: Because I think this is where it all comes together.
Merlin: Real Doll Express.
Merlin: $500.
Merlin: Your doll is guaranteed to be manufactured and shipped within four weeks from receipt of payment.
Merlin: Mm-hmm.
Merlin: Wow.
Merlin: Normal manufacturing time is estimated at eight weeks could be longer.
Merlin: Can I ask you a question?
Merlin: There's something I learned back in the day.
Merlin: As you know, I used to do things with webpages.
Merlin: Well, first of all, we all know the economic notion of sunk cost fallacy.
Merlin: We all know that, for example, if I can get somebody to fill out the first page of a form, let's say all I'm asking for is your name and city.
Merlin: Just that act of making you go to the next page really...
Merlin: oddly enough, increases the chances that you'll fill out the whole form because you've already spent some time on it.
Merlin: Now, here's the thing.
Merlin: I could see somebody getting a bottle of Absolute and spending a real long time filling out this form, trying some different things.
Merlin: I've done this with building Macs.
Merlin: I've gone in and said, what if I get this hard drive?
Merlin: What if I get that hard drive?
Merlin: You get down to the bottom and you've been thinking a lot
Merlin: about all the different ways you can fuck your dead rubber girl, right?
Merlin: You get to the bottom, you see that little click box for Real Doll Express, and you realize your life, there's a fork in the road now, my friend.
Merlin: You can either wait.
Merlin: You can wait for four weeks to fuck a dead rubber girl, or you can wait for eight weeks to fuck a dead... You can pay $500 and cut your time in half.
Merlin: You're literally spending... Can I just clarify one thing?
Merlin: And I want to apologize to the Real Doll family.
Merlin: It includes all three entries.
Merlin: But this is the thing.
Yeah, this is the thing about an entry.
Merlin: What it is is you're paying $500, which is a comparatively small amount of money.
Merlin: That's exactly what I'm doing right now in the calculator.
Merlin: I'm figuring out what that is.
Merlin: To never, ever, ever be alone again.
Merlin: Or to, in fact, be permanently alone.
Merlin: And that is no... That's no small thing.
Merlin: That's worth $500.
Merlin: You can't put a price on that, John.
Merlin: I mean, being permanently lonely in a way that really works, plus having those fucking white fingernails and a dong you can take out...
Merlin: Boy, there's options here that you're just not going to find in a lot of places.
Merlin: This is flexibility, John.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: You can get tan lines.
Merlin: I'm going with Michelle.
Merlin: I'm going to go with Michelle.
Merlin: The Gibson Guitar Company used to have a website where you could go on and make your own Les Paul.
Merlin: And I went on there many, many, many times and made my fantasy Les Paul and I never clicked buy.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: My parents did that with catalogs and they never had money.
Merlin: They'd fill out catalogs but never send it in.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: And then they quit doing it.
Merlin: And they quit having that on their website because it was too useful.
Merlin: It was too, like, good.
Merlin: Wait a minute.
Merlin: Let me just guess that you're not representing them anymore.
Merlin: No, no, no.
Merlin: I am, but I don't care anymore.
Merlin: So one time I was in Nashville, and I went to the Gibson Custom Guitar...
Merlin: manufacturing area, which is not where they make all the Gibsons, it's where they make the, it's the custom shop.
Merlin: And when I got a tour of it because I was, you know, I was sponsored by them.
Merlin: And we're walking around and, you know, there's Les Pauls everywhere and SGs everywhere and all these beautiful guitar bodies and natural, you know, just like the natural wood.
Merlin: There's not like a sunburst or anything on it yet.
Merlin: It just looks like just beautiful.
Merlin: It's just a piece of wood.
Merlin: There's not even a neck on it.
Merlin: And I'm like,
Merlin: So, what if I took that and I put this neck on it and I put those pickups on it and I was doing the thing that I used to do on the website except I was doing it in person with these amazing parts.
Merlin: Luthiers.
Merlin: Luthiers?
Merlin: What are they called?
Luthiers.
Merlin: All standing around.
Merlin: All the people that have been, you know, the little old ladies who are like smoking cigarettes with their really long fingernails and they're ladies at the Gibson Custom Shop whose job it is to take a razor blade and just scrape the paint off of the binding and
Merlin: With this kind of perfect line.
Merlin: Without nicking it.
Merlin: Yeah, and it's not done by a machine.
Merlin: It's these little 60-year-old chain-smoking ladies who just sit with a razor blade all day and just peel the paint off of the binding after the guitars have been sprayed.
Merlin: And I'm watching this and I'm like, okay, here's the guitar I want.
Merlin: And I'm talking to the guy who runs the custom shop.
Merlin: And I get to the end of my little soliloquy, and basically what I have described is Neil Young's black 54 Les Paul or whatever, but made for me.
Merlin: Three pickups?
Merlin: No, just two.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: And the guy says, yeah, that'd be great.
Merlin: And we could totally do that, except we're not allowed to.
Merlin: Because the guy that owns the company doesn't want us to spend time making custom cool guitars for people.
Merlin: He wants everybody to buy the 59 Les Paul reissue because he doesn't know what guitar players are like because he bought the company.
Merlin: And this is why they're going out of business.
Merlin: Because he's a rich guy.
Merlin: He bought the company because he's a rich guy and he doesn't...
Merlin: He's always coming down here and saying, I know, let's make a Les Paul that's covered with flames and purple fur.
Merlin: We'll get one that's sponsored by Cheerios.
Merlin: Yeah, we'll get the whole purple fur and flame rock people.
Merlin: Did you demand satisfaction?
Merlin: I screamed bloody murder.
Merlin: Can you imagine what I did?
Merlin: John, I can imagine that you knocked a couple people down and literally ran up the stairs and busted down the door in his fucking office.
Merlin: I bet he wasn't even there.
Merlin: I bet he wasn't even there.
Merlin: He wasn't there.
Merlin: Fucker.
Merlin: Here's what I learned.
Merlin: All the people at the Gibson custom shop are all guitar makers.
Merlin: And they all looked at me with sad eyes and said, yeah.
Merlin: Can you imagine what it's like for us here who have the, not just all the access to this stuff, but we have the ability.
Merlin: We are crafts people and we would like nothing more than for you to come in here and tell us your custom Les Paul dream stuff.
Merlin: But we can't do it because there's not a skew number.
Merlin: This is an exact quote.
Merlin: There's no skew number for that.
Merlin: Skews are very important in business.
Merlin: And I said... You want to limit your number of skews.
Merlin: At the time, I didn't know what a skew was.
Merlin: And I said, what's the difference?
Merlin: It's a Les Paul, you paint it this color instead of that color.
Merlin: And they're like, no, if we paint it a different color, it's got to have a different skew number.
Merlin: That's the rule.
Merlin: And they all looked so defeated.
Merlin: They all looked so sad as they made one after another identical 59 Les Paul reissue.
Merlin: And I walked out of there with my shoulders slumped.
Merlin: I mean, it was a beautiful experience to see the guitars made and to meet all these wonderful people.
Merlin: But I was slumped shoulder that someone could have, you know, that here's what the guy, here's what they said.
Merlin: They said his model, the owner of Gibson guitars, his model is Harley Davidson.
Merlin: Oh, for the love of God.
Merlin: He wants to have that kind of... So he wants to sell a bunch of bullshit to bald suburban guys and ruin the whole thing that made this good in the first place.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: He's like, we can make a lot more money selling keychains that say Gibson on them than we can selling guitar.
Merlin: Oh my God.
Merlin: What's this guy's name?
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: I'm probably going to get in trouble, but who cares?
Am I jumping ahead?
Merlin: Am I jumping ahead too far here, John?
Merlin: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, which is I pray to God that this cocksucker never buys real doll.
Merlin: And again, I want to apologize to the people at real doll.
Merlin: And I want to just say what I'm afraid of is that there's going to be a Gibson branded real doll.
Oh, I see.
Merlin: F holes.
Merlin: In addition to the three normal entries, there would be two F entries.
Merlin: No, I'm much more worried about this cocksucker coming in, or not even a cocksucker, because you know what?
Merlin: He might change one of the entries.
Merlin: He may take off the mouth.
Merlin: He may decide that every doll can only have one hole that nothing would fit in, right?
Merlin: He might want a 59 reissue.
Merlin: What if you could only buy, let's see, who would it be?
Merlin: 1959.
Merlin: What if you could only buy like Ethel Mertz?
Merlin: What if you could only buy an Ethel Mertz sex doll, the neighbor from I Love Lucy?
You had to buy that.
Merlin: I think I would do what I have done with the Gibson guitar, which is not order one.
Merlin: You get a horse.
Merlin: Oh, my goodness.
Merlin: Gibson.
Merlin: I'm sorry.
Merlin: Merlin, I just called you Gibson, which is actually my mom's dog's name.
Merlin: Gibson, Gibson.
Merlin: Is Gibson still around?
Merlin: Gibson's still around.
Yeah, he's 12 years old.
Merlin: I love Gibson.
Merlin: But if you go up to the top, this is now it's getting terrible.
Merlin: Tell me where you are.
Merlin: Up to the top of the real doll screen.
Merlin: You can buy torsos.
Merlin: They have no limbs.
Merlin: No, no, no, no, no.
Merlin: And just the points of entry.
Merlin: John, click on extra faces.
Merlin: Oh, you can get extra faces.
Merlin: Extra faces.
Merlin: Oh.
Merlin: Now, see, now.
Merlin: Oh, my God.
Merlin: Face 13 smiling.
Merlin: Oh, see, now.
Merlin: Oh, my gosh.
Merlin: The polish is off the fingernail.
Merlin: If you can buy extra fucking torsos and faces, I mean, first of all, A, are you going to blow through those?
Merlin: You know, are you going to tear it up that bad?
Merlin: No, no.
Merlin: You can get them where they're smiling so they don't look like stupid Angelina Jolie like shock face.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: But they have like smiley faces.
Merlin: You mean that as we previously said sex face.
Merlin: They got the sex face.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Most of them have the sex face.
Merlin: They're like.
Merlin: But but but then you get them smiling and then there's you can get their eyes closed.
Merlin: So they're not judging you.
Merlin: They're not watching you.
Merlin: with their judgy eyes staring staring staring i want i thought we'd be someplace i thought we'd be someplace better by now i want to say oh wait oh no here's the sad thing the the smiley faces do not have an oral opening so you have to choose you have to choose dumb fuck face oh god can i can i get that detachable detachable irony
Merlin: You're going to want a smiley face, but then you can't.
Merlin: What can you do with a smiley face?
Merlin: All you can do is appreciate it.
Merlin: Okay, we got to get going, but I got to tell you one thing.
Merlin: Did you know you can buy these used?
Merlin: That's a lie.
Merlin: And you can buy pre-owned.
Merlin: They have pre-owned?
Merlin: I read about this.
Merlin: You can buy pre-owned.
Merlin: I guess that's something.
Merlin: I guess steam cleaning?
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: I think you could probably clean these girls.
Merlin: I could get a horse like this.
Merlin: Would you get it smiling?
Merlin: I'd probably get it alfalfa.
Merlin: Would you get the smiley horse face, though, or would you get the sex horse face?
Dead rubber girl.