Ep. 95: "Cravat Brush Holder Case"
Merlin: Hello.
Merlin: Hey, John.
Merlin: Hi, Merlin.
Merlin: How's it going?
Merlin: Good.
Merlin: I just walked in the door.
Merlin: Oh, where were you?
Merlin: If you can say.
John: I went to the swimming pool.
John: And I did some swimming.
John: Wow.
John: Yeah, it's not a thing that I'm...
John: I'm not a very good swimmer, frankly.
Merlin: Are you graceful in the water?
John: I'm a graceful bobber.
John: I'm a good bobber.
John: But, you know, when I start to swim, it's a combination of, like, two things you wouldn't think go together, boredom and panic.
Yeah.
John: You have no idea.
John: That's pretty much my whole life.
John: How you can be on the verge of panic and yet also bored shitless.
John: But that is swimming to me.
John: Well, it's a whole body exercise.
John: Yeah, that's right.
John: It's a body and soul.
John: I spend the whole time like, you know, choking back just a freak out, a pure freak out.
John: And, you know, I've swam my whole life.
John: There's no reason I should be such a bad, like the psychology of swimming is just, I don't know.
Merlin: Are you naturally buoyant?
John: No, no.
John: I think like a stone.
John: And I had a couple of experiences.
John: One time in Greece, I swam out around the, you know, there was a big, there was a big rock, big, real big rock.
John: And I swam out around past the rock and got out into the, into the chop.
John: And then I realized I had gone to the, the moment I realized I had gone too far, uh,
John: it was, you know, it was too late to go back and also too far to go forward.
John: And I couldn't, and the waves were hitting the rock.
John: I couldn't get up on the rock.
John: It was a sheer cliff.
John: So I couldn't even like hold on to the rock because the waves were hitting it so hard.
John: And it was a real, it's a real kind of like, it really set the tone for,
John: And, you know, obviously, I drowned and died.
John: And this is all a dream.
John: This is all a Jacob's Ladder.
John: This whole thing.
John: But yeah, so anyway...
John: But that doesn't explain it.
John: Everybody's had a near-death experience in the waters.
Merlin: Panic is a good word for it, I think.
John: I'm always pushing it down.
John: Even in a YMCA swimming pool, I'm always pushing down the like...
John: Fuck.
John: Like, this is it.
John: I'm going to take a mouthful of water and by the time they get to me, I'm going to be a corpse.
Merlin: I asked you about your buoyancy and that's a personal question because I, I mean, I've had when I was a kid.
John: It depends on what I've been eating, frankly.
Merlin: Hmm.
Merlin: Cutting out the wheat is probably... Makes me even less buoyant.
Merlin: Yeah, you're probably less bloated.
Merlin: You're retaining less air.
John: That's right, less gas.
Merlin: Uh-huh.
Merlin: I took like the... There's a course you can take to, you know, learn the very basics.
Merlin: Like there's a Red Cross certified class where you learn how to float and stuff like that.
Merlin: And I don't know, I'm not a scientist, but it seems to me like most people should be plus or minus 5%, roughly the same buoyancy.
Merlin: Wouldn't you think...
Merlin: I mean, maybe, I don't know what it is.
Merlin: I remember them saying that, like, this sounds silly, but take a big breath because filling up your lungs makes you more buoyant.
Merlin: But like my mother-in-law, she'll float in anything.
Merlin: She's a little stick of a lady.
Merlin: She's like three feet tall.
Merlin: And she just gets in the water, no raft, no nothing, 80 years old.
Merlin: And she just floats like a little fishing bobber.
Merlin: Yeah, the water doesn't want her.
Merlin: No, it repels her.
John: She's water resistant.
John: The water wants me.
John: I'm the same way.
John: It's the bottom that wants me.
John: It's not even the water.
John: Oh, the water's just the vessel.
Merlin: It's just the medium.
John: The bottom wants me.
John: The center of the earth wants me.
Merlin: You should read that Watchmen comic.
Merlin: There's a lot of good... Yeah, yeah.
Merlin: I'm not... Now, I know you're not a fan of things like being in small places, if memory serves.
Merlin: Do you think about drowning?
Merlin: It sounds like it's on your mind.
John: Well, you know, of all the deaths...
John: from what I understand, once you take the first big mouthful of water, the first big lungful of water, all reports are that you have an overwhelming feeling of calm.
John: It doesn't hurt anymore.
John: And you just... It sounds like a pretty dignified way out, really.
John: Yeah, right.
John: And so when I think about drowning, it's always in the context of like, oh, the ship has gone down and here I am bobbing and how much do I want to live?
John: And those guys that swim and swim and swim and find a buoy or swim and make friends with the giant tuna and they create a raft for him.
John: That seems like a lot of work.
John: Right.
John: And it's just like, how much do I want to live?
John: I'm out here in the ocean.
John: The first thing that nibbles on my foot, I'm going to have a hard time.
John: I'm holding back the desire to just say, you know what, it's been a good run.
John: And understanding that the first big lungful of air or the first big lungful of water is like, then it all just goes away and somehow your body is pre-programmed to drown painlessly.
Yeah.
John: You're back in the womb.
Merlin: We're not designed to be on the internet, but dying in water, not a problem.
John: That's right.
John: Salt water out, salt water in.
John: And then it all, you know, something in your lizard brain is just like, oh, fucking thank God.
Merlin: It would really be a dream for me because I'm so good at giving up on things as it is.
Merlin: I think I could really be very dignified in that.
John: You just surrender and it's... I mean, think about drowning.
John: What a great... Think about just like Lost at Sea.
John: Not even drowning, but like... Oh, it's epic.
John: Whatever happened to Merlin?
Merlin: Nobody knows.
John: Lost at Sea.
Merlin: But I bet he went pretty easy.
Merlin: You know?
Merlin: He wasn't looking for a dolphin or a tuna.
Merlin: Davy Jones locker.
Merlin: Because then what are you going to do?
Merlin: What are you going to do?
Merlin: You going to survive on a desert island?
Merlin: No thanks.
John: No, thanks.
John: Or even, you know, suffer a severe sunburn and be in saltwater.
John: I am very sensitive to the sun, John.
John: Doesn't sound good.
John: But so for me, no drowning.
Merlin: Well, I heard something recently that I found very chilling.
Merlin: You might have heard if you ever like really read the Heimlich poster, you know, like when you're working, you know, you learn that it's only in Spanish now, right?
Merlin: It's not even in English.
Merlin: That's just that's just sickening, John.
Merlin: I'm sorry to even hear that.
John: No es bueno.
John: I'm just skimming now, so maybe I'm missing the English part.
John: It's in Vietnamese and Spanish.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: You read on there, like if somebody's going, oh, I'm choking.
Merlin: Oh, they're not choking.
Merlin: They're not choking.
Merlin: Because you remember it says, you know, check, can't speak, breathe, or cough.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: So if you say to somebody, you know, say your name or something like that.
Merlin: Say my name.
Merlin: Say my name.
Merlin: Say my name.
Merlin: Bitch, you want help?
Merlin: It's when people are going like this.
John: I can't see you.
John: Oh, yeah.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: But you see my hands up here around my throat, right?
Merlin: I get it.
John: Okay.
Merlin: Now, here's what I learned from my friend who's a lifeguard.
Merlin: Do you know this about drowning people?
Merlin: You think, oh, you see somebody out there splashing around like they're in jaws.
Merlin: They must be drowning.
Merlin: But did you know that a drowning person doesn't move?
Merlin: What?
Merlin: Now, listen, go do your own due diligence on this.
Merlin: Before you decide whether or not to save somebody based on their behavior, people, go check my facts on this.
Merlin: But I'm pretty sure that what lifeguards look for is somebody who's pretty far out and is maybe not doing well, but they're not flapping around.
Merlin: I think that once that water gets in there, that's that calmness that you and I are looking for.
John: Yes, the calm that comes over one.
Merlin: What if you could slip the lifeguard at 20 and just say, let's not make a big deal out of this?
John: I think if a lifeguard could get to me, I would at least put up a fight.
Merlin: Well, you know it's hard to save somebody because they fight you.
Merlin: When somebody's legitimate, if they're legitimately drowning, they will fight.
Merlin: That's what I heard.
Merlin: There's a lot of mythology around drowning.
John: I'm always thinking about like if I was on the Indianapolis.
John: Like if I was Quint.
John: Oh, God.
John: What a great story.
John: Come on.
John: What am I going to do?
Merlin: And how cold was that water?
Merlin: That's the other thing now.
Merlin: Now you've got the cold water situation like with the Titanic.
Merlin: Have you ever been in water that's even like 50 degrees?
Merlin: 50 degrees, you go, oh, that's a cool day.
Merlin: That's sweater weather in San Francisco.
Merlin: 50 degrees in the water is so freaking cold.
Merlin: One Memorial Day, 1978, my friends opened their pool in Ohio.
Merlin: And we were determined to get in because it was the first day of the swimming season.
Merlin: And we spent like probably six hours trying to get into the water because it was so cold.
Merlin: Can you imagine being in that for like half an hour?
John: Well, as a matter of fact, it's a common practice in Alaska to be in the sauna.
John: And to come out of the sauna and run across the snow to the half-frozen lake and run to the end of the dock and jump in.
John: What could possibly go wrong?
John: When you are... Right as the steam room has become so intolerably hot, you can't breathe anymore, your entire body is cooking...
John: You run down to the end of the dock and you jump into the water, which is just on the cusp of freezing.
Merlin: See, that goes right into that part of my life where I never want to have to fill that out on a form.
Merlin: I got to explain to somebody what I was doing.
Merlin: Sure, I jumped into an ice cold lake.
Merlin: It was right after I'd been nearly dead from heat.
John: What happens in those moments is the shock is so extreme.
John: And the thing is, you go to the end of the dock.
John: You're not like tiptoeing into the water.
John: You run to the end of the dock, and then you are submerged.
John: And the shock is so extraordinary that it blanks out everything.
Merlin: I bet you poop.
John: Or something.
John: I have never pooped.
John: You've done this, though.
John: You've actually done this.
John: I've done it multiple times.
John: Because once you do it once...
John: Now then you, it's, it's incredibly addictive.
John: And what happens is all goes black.
John: Like the shock is so extreme that you, you lose however long it takes for you to, I mean, it's like, it's a period of seconds.
Merlin: Does it like knock the wind out of you kind of feeling?
John: It knocks the soul out of you.
John: You become an empty vessel for a few seconds, and then it all comes rushing back in, and it is like being stabbed with a million needles.
John: But it's exceptional.
John: It really is.
Merlin: Well, I'll tell you this about me, and this is going to be contradictory, I guess, but if I go to a hotel, man, and you go to a really tricked-out Marriott, and they've got all of the locker room facilities, I will go in there.
Merlin: Like a Polish sauna.
Merlin: Is that an Urban Dictionary thing?
Merlin: I met this chick.
Merlin: I gave her the cold, uh, Polish.
Merlin: No, I, uh, I, I will utilize all of the facilities.
Merlin: You can't get that steam room hot enough for me, even though it is, it strikes me every year.
Merlin: It becomes clear to me how unhygienic a steam room is when you really think about it.
John: Well, let me tell you, I got a pretty bad rash.
John: Was this your condition?
John: Not very long ago.
Merlin: That's right.
Merlin: Is that, I didn't want to ask.
Merlin: I had a feeling it was a rash.
John: It was a rash from a steam room.
John: Well, from a spa facility.
John: So it was either the hot tubs or the sauna gave me some kind of bacterium.
John: But it wasn't a bacteria because the penicillin didn't work.
John: So it was a, it was some kind of athlete's foot of the body.
Merlin: Yes.
Merlin: I totally, because the thing is, I think about it now and I don't think I'm a, I'm not obsessed with these things, but I think about it.
Merlin: I know that there are various things, various fauna that benefit from the sauna.
Merlin: There are various things that if you go into a steam room, you think about that, that's like a little Petri dish and it's dripping, hello, dripping off of the ceiling.
John: Yes.
John: Sauna fauna.
John: Sauna fauna.
Merlin: At least there's a dry heat in the sauna.
Merlin: Now, the sauna, you can't get a sauna hot enough for me.
Merlin: I like it good and hot.
Merlin: But then I'll do that, and then I'll go jump in the shower and jump.
Merlin: It's a real super middle-class white guy version of jumping in an Alaskan lake.
John: Yeah, my dad used to call that the executive workout.
Merlin: Oh, I find it extremely relaxing.
Merlin: And it's what's got me hooked on this menthol shower spray I've got now.
Merlin: John, everything's changed for me since I got the menthol.
John: Is that like an Axe product?
Merlin: Yes, yes.
Merlin: That's right.
Merlin: I got to get a squeegee to scrape the ladies off the side.
Merlin: Menthol shower spray.
Merlin: Here's what you do.
Merlin: It's really easy.
Merlin: You can make it at home.
Merlin: You go out, you get yourself.
John: Are you just covering yourself with a Vicks VapoRub?
No.
Merlin: Every chance I get, I need so little provocation to slather myself in Tiger Balm.
Merlin: I find it incredibly comforting.
John: Tiger Balm was always my LSD go-to.
John: Oh, dude, I'm so into your skin right now.
John: So when I would take LSD, I always had a little Boda bag, or not a Boda bag, but like a little dop kit, triple dop kit.
John: You had a trip kit.
John: A trip kit.
John: And you got to have a trip kit.
John: You had bubbles?
John: No, I wasn't a fucking girl.
John: No, I didn't have bubbles.
John: John's getting into his bubbles.
John: I had a pack of camel filters.
John: I had an ate the weed.
John: I had a bottle of water.
John: I had a Grolsch beer.
John: Two Grolsch beers maybe.
John: An apple.
John: But I always had Tiger Balm.
John: Because when you're really tripping and you're hanging out with some other trippers and you're back to monkey status where you're just sitting there picking nits out of each other's hair, one of the great things to do is take a little tiger balm and rub it on your friend's temple.
John: So you're tripping and you're looking at each other and you're rubbing tiger balm in each other's temples.
Merlin: You want to be careful not to get that in an eye.
John: Well, that's the thing.
John: Yeah.
John: But you're conscious of the difference between an eye and a temple, no matter how high you are.
John: But yeah, right.
John: But it's proximity to the eye, like you feel the mentholatum in the air around your eyeball.
John: Pretty heavy stuff.
John: Yeah.
John: Trip kit.
John: There are a few other items in there.
Merlin: You should – I know you enjoy bathing.
Merlin: The shower spray is dynamic.
Merlin: I got a recipe off the internet because if you go buy this stuff in a store, it's really expensive.
Merlin: But you know that smell?
Merlin: Like you go into some kind of environment, just a kind of menthol sort of smell.
John: You are making your own menthol shower spray?
Merlin: pennies pennies pennies a quart you got a recipe off the internet for shower balm shower spray well here's what happened I got some as a stocking stuffer from my lady last year and I liked it so much I ordered some off Amazon turns out what I ordered was dog was dog menthol spray it's for if you wash your dog and you want it to smell good so I used all that up I finished it up on yourself or you gave that to your lady no in my shower
John: Because I just bought some shampoo that's designed for horses, manes, and tails.
Merlin: I think that's a thing.
John: And it works great.
Merlin: What's it called?
Merlin: The main event?
John: I think it might be called mane and tail.
John: Wash yourself horse.
John: And it came in conveniently in a 50-gallon drum.
John: I've seen this.
Merlin: I've seen this.
Merlin: All you got to do, and I don't know the exact amount, so obviously don't do this without doing the due diligence of searching the internet.
Merlin: But you put in a few drops of especially camphor.
Merlin: You can put in some eucalyptus.
Merlin: You get the little essential oil in a bottle, right?
Merlin: Just a few drops.
Merlin: And then you add in some witch hazel and water.
Merlin: If you had in the witch hazel, I think you don't – it suspends it or something.
Merlin: You don't have to shake it as much.
Merlin: You shake that up.
Merlin: You spray it when you're running your super hot shower to get it steamy.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: It's like a little spa right in your home.
John: And are you buying like spray bottles at the pack and save?
Merlin: That's a good question.
Merlin: No, I repurposed the dog spray bottle.
John: Oh, I get you.
John: I get you.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: A roof for therapy or something.
John: Did you go through a phase where the women in your life were all going through a phase where they were making their own balms, soaps, medicaments, and gels?
Merlin: I can't put my hand to one because I think it's a fairly recent phenomenon.
Merlin: But I will say that after the dream of making your own jewelry and selling it on Etsy, I think making unnecessary soap has become a really popular thing.
Merlin: There's a lot of soap with little sticks in it now.
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
John: I was gifted a couple of bars of soap with sticks in it at one of our shows recently from some fans.
John: And one of them I am using right now, not right this minute, but it's my current bathroom soap.
John: The other one, they had flavored it with patchouli oil.
John: A little?
John: A little patchouli oil?
John: Not a little enough.
John: And it came into the house.
John: I brought it home.
John: It came into the house with me.
John: And immediately everyone that uses my house as their common area, they would walk in the house and they'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
John: Who's been here?
John: What dreadlocked person has been in your home?
John: And I was like, oh, I think it's this soap, this lovely soap that I was given as a gift.
John: Ian, I would like to use your other bathroom.
John: By some very nice people.
John: And eventually the soap like went, people kept putting it in deeper and deeper nesting Tupperware containers until it finally just nested its way right out of the house.
John: I haven't seen it again.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Where something happens and you smell it once, especially if you're a lady, you smell it once, you put a little on and something happens very quickly that you stop noticing how much of it you're using.
Merlin: I know that's true of patchouli.
Merlin: And to this day, I mean, it's like if you can smell the patchouli, there's too much.
John: Well, and the problem with Calvin Klein obsession is you never smell it anymore.
Merlin: It's always one girl for me.
Merlin: When I smell that for the rest of my life, it will always be exactly one woman.
John: Me too.
John: It's imprinted.
John: Unfortunately, yeah.
John: It imprinted on me in 1987.
John: 86 for me.
John: The girl's name was Maureen.
John: Lynn.
John: And it was on her like fog in Santa Cruz.
John: Like, it was so thick on her.
John: I mean, she put it on with a trowel.
John: And yet, now, I'll be on public transit, I'll be in a strange town, and someone who did not get a series of important memos and phone calls...
John: Telling them to stop wearing Calvin Klein obsession in the early nineties.
John: We'll walk past.
John: I'll smell that smell and I'll be right back.
John: I'll be right back at Maureen's feet while she toys with me like a, like a, uh, catnip ball.
Merlin: And it's, uh, I think you should get to retire fragrances definitely after a certain point.
Merlin: I mean, I I've enjoyed fragrances for myself in the past.
Um,
Merlin: What?
Merlin: Like when you were a little boy, didn't you ever put on Grandpa's High Karate or something?
John: No, you know, my mom would give me her old makeup, and I would wear... I had a makeup kit.
John: I had a little purse for makeup.
John: And I didn't want to wear... Oh, how old were you?
John: Well, this is the thing.
John: And when I think back to the 70s, and I imagine my mom and all of the people in my family...
Merlin: I like that it's old makeup, too.
Merlin: I like that it's like a compact with just a little bit of stuff.
John: Yeah, the lipstick that was like down to it.
John: No, the eyeshadow, the eyeliner, all the stuff.
John: And I would make myself beautiful until I was probably...
Merlin: Eight?
Merlin: Uh-huh.
Merlin: You could have gotten a couple more years out of that, but you stopped at a good time.
John: I stopped at... I think what happened was I moved... I went to live with my dad when I was... Well, yeah, between eight and ten, and I didn't have access to the makeup anymore.
John: But my makeup kit, my bag of makeup, was one of my prized possessions, and I would play dress-up, and I would make my face up, and I...
John: I cannot imagine that that wasn't causing...
John: a little bit of concern or, or at least a little bit of like, um, I, I imagine everyone was very interested in what was, what I was, we're talking like 1976, 76.
John: Yeah.
John: But my mom, when my mom was very encouraging, she always, whenever she got to the end of some makeup and there was just, just the, you know, the last little bit of it, or she decided she didn't like a color.
John: That was another thing.
John: Um,
John: She decided that a certain color of lipstick or eyeshadow didn't work for her.
John: So my makeup kit, I had tons and tons of options.
John: And I remember looking back at it later in my 20s and realizing no one ever said a thing about it or looked at me sideways or made any kind of...
John: of untoward comment.
John: And I just happily burbled along, making myself pretty, dressing... You know, I would wear the high-heeled shoes and the feather boas and parade around.
John: And, you know, and then just... I mean, these days, I would be concerned that they would sign me up for sex reassignment surgery.
John: But at the time, it was just like... Just one day, I guess I... I mean, and I was...
John: I don't want to sound like Macklemore here, but I was playing with guns and stuff, too.
John: But it's not to say that women don't play with guns.
John: You know what I'm saying?
John: No.
Merlin: In any case, yeah, it was a... It just became less interesting and kind of went away.
Merlin: Or do you think it was because of going to your dad's?
John: Yeah, I think I just didn't... I didn't have my makeup with me anymore.
John: I never became less interesting.
John: In fact, the other day I was watching a Sean Connery movie.
John: which is to say Russia House.
John: I was watching Russia House.
John: And throughout the movie, Sean Connery is playing this sort of exaggerated character that is in some ways like maybe just a slightly drunker me 10 years from now.
John: And I'm watching it and I'm like, why is Sean Connery so beautiful?
John: Even at 60 years old, why is he so compelling?
John: Why do I want to look at his face?
John: What is it about Sean Connery's face?
John: And I realized Sean Connery has very interesting eyebrows.
John: Like he's got salt and pepper beard.
John: He's got salt and pepper hair in this film.
John: But his eyebrows are like two fuzzy South American caterpillars.
John: And so I'm sitting watching this movie and I'm thinking, you know what?
John: My eyebrows are really blonde.
Merlin: Oh, you're right.
Merlin: He has beautiful eyes and he has amazing eyebrows.
John: Fantastic eyebrows.
John: And then I think I'm reflecting on my own face as I'm watching Russia House and I'm realizing my eyebrows are barely visible.
John: If you looked at me from across the room, you wouldn't even think I had eyebrows.
John: And here I am, I got a salt and pepper beard, I got the salt and pepper coming in my hair, but my eyebrows have never, they never came in, basically.
John: My eyebrows never fully arrived.
John: They just stayed this sort of blonde, wispy, nothing.
Merlin: That's why I've always said this to you.
Merlin: My dad, more than anybody I've ever known who looks different with their glasses off, you look so different with your glasses off.
John: Right, because the glasses... You're almost unrecognizable.
Merlin: Your eyes look completely different.
John: Yeah, the glasses frames give me some eyebrow.
John: They put some black contrast around my eyes.
John: And without it, it's just like a sandstorm.
John: From my hairline to my tie, basically, it's like some dishwater that is being poured into a bowl of sand.
Yeah.
John: With a little dab of margarine.
John: So I paused the movie, and I got up, and I went into the bathroom, and I found a marker, and I drew some eyebrows on myself.
John: And then I looked really different, and looked, well, like, discomfortingly different.
John: And so I walked around for the rest of the day with these marked-in eyebrows.
John: And there was a little bit of Groucho Marx going on.
John: I couldn't quite decide...
John: But anyways, all by way of saying, I don't think I ever did stop wanting to play with makeup.
John: I think I would still play with makeup if I didn't have to represent all these punk rock ethics that I basically personify in the culture.
John: Like a guy who doesn't frost his hair or whatever.
Merlin: As you said that – I mean now at first I Googled pictures of Sean Connery and he has absolutely amazing eyebrows.
Merlin: It looks like they're – it looks like they might be a very slight bit coiffed.
John: I think they're tinted.
John: I think they – I think he dyes his eyebrows and I think that he styles his eyebrows.
John: Okay.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: And then for some reason, I started thinking of Joe Pesci's character in JFK, David Ferry.
John: Right, with the fake eye.
Merlin: Well, go Google David Ferry.
John: He shaved his eyebrows, right?
Merlin: He literally – Or did he have alopecia?
Merlin: Oh, that's a good question.
Merlin: No, no.
Merlin: He – go search for David Ferry, two R's, IE.
Merlin: And you can see it looks like he essentially – the actual guy looks like he pretty much took like a Sharpie.
Yeah.
Merlin: like a kind of sharpie that you'd use for like graffiti and just and gave himself little frowns above his eyes it's you have to admit that's distinctive now you're looking at the actual guy right those eyes really stand out they do they pop if he did not have those eyebrows he would not be nearly as handsome wow wow that's a hell of a look a zoom so
John: So, yeah, so I've been thinking, like, well, now, on the scale, on the continuum of middle-aged male vanity...
John: Where does dying one's eyebrows fall?
John: Oh, that's a good question.
John: You know what I mean?
John: It's not like getting a fancy haircut.
John: It's not like spending a bunch of money on brown shoes.
Merlin: Well, and let's go to the obvious ones.
Merlin: It's not like getting something like a chemical peel or a nip and tuck.
John: Yeah, exactly.
John: Botox, as they call it.
John: But...
John: Dyeing my eyebrows would be a tremendous... For some people, it would actually be a step back in the male vanity hallway.
John: But for me, it would be a giant leap for a guy who cuts his own hair and shaves dry with a 99-cent razor.
John: To put coloring in his eyebrows to give his face more definition.
John: It just feels like it's too vain.
John: And yet, I feel like God ripped me off a little bit.
John: No, no question.
John: With these non-eyebrows.
John: Like, of all the things.
Merlin: Yeah, I mean, it's funny.
Merlin: To have a distinctive face, I mean, there has to be kind of a combination of angles and softness and proportion and symmetry and all these kinds of things.
Merlin: And so people who have, like they say, like a weak chin, for example, or don't have much in the way of cheekbones, it can make it seem like your face doesn't really have a frame to it.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: It sounds like what you're saying is with this ice water being poured into a bowl of sand or whatever it is, you feel like there's not enough clarity about where the top of your head is officially starting.
John: Precisely.
John: And the thing is, you know, I would rather... I would rather have no eyebrows than a weak chin.
John: Let's just go on record there.
John: I couldn't give up my chin.
John: But...
John: But eyebrows seem like a small thing as the great chemist in the sky is putting all the little droppers of stuff into his cauldron and making a guy.
John: He's got the eyebrow dropper and he's like, nah, not this guy.
John: Like, that seems a little bit.
Merlin: First of all, I just want to get it out there.
Merlin: I think this is well in the range of acceptable pseudo-vanity for a man of your age.
Merlin: Really?
Merlin: No, I'm being totally serious.
Merlin: And here I'll tell you one reason why.
Merlin: It's non-obvious.
Merlin: That's going to be very much one of those things, like when you get new glasses and people go, what's different about you?
Merlin: Is it your haircut?
Merlin: Nobody's going to think to go, did you paint on your eyebrows?
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: Or did you do something to enhance your eyebrows?
Merlin: Did you get an eyebrow weave or something?
Merlin: I don't think most people, especially other men, are going to notice at all.
John: No, other men wouldn't notice if I started wearing an Indian headdress everywhere I went.
John: I had a friend back in the 90s.
John: He was a gay man who was about 10 years older than me.
John: His name was Frank.
John: And he was a Basque.
John: And his last name was spelt with a series of X's and T's.
John: And eyes.
John: And it was... The actual pronunciation of it was just like... It just sounded like some Italian name.
John: But to look at it spelled, it just looked like somebody had just thrown down some... You know, somebody was changing the marquee at a movie theater and they just threw down all the X's on the ground.
John: And this guy, his name was Frank.
John: And he had...
John: absolutely the reddest hair, red eyelashes, red eyebrows, red everything.
John: And, uh, you know, he's a handsome, flamboyant guy.
John: And one day I'm walking down the street and he was a well-known character in Seattle walking down the street.
John: And this guy walks up to me and grabs me by the shirt and he goes, Hey, and I was like, get off me.
John: Strange person.
John: And it was Frank who had dyed his hair black and
John: but had gone the extra mile and had dyed not only his eyebrows, but had dyed his eyelashes black.
Merlin: Oh, he's a completist.
Merlin: Boy, that's good.
John: You know what I mean?
John: Yes.
John: He's committed.
John: He leans in and he's like, it's me.
John: And I went, oh my God.
John: And the first thing he wanted to show me was his eyelashes.
John: He was like, look at my eyelashes.
John: And he was utterly a different person.
John: A transformation that, and I honestly think if I just colored my eyebrows, I could disappear into a crowd and my best friend wouldn't recognize me.
John: If I took my glasses off, dyed my eyebrows, I wouldn't have to change another thing.
Merlin: Yeah, but you'd know it's there.
Merlin: And the thing is, it wouldn't register is the cool part.
Merlin: People would just know John looks better.
Merlin: We're not sure why.
Merlin: It's probably because he cut out the wheat.
John: Right?
John: Uh-huh.
John: John cut out the wheat and his eyebrows filled in.
Merlin: Do you think they'd actually – I see.
Merlin: I'm telling you.
Merlin: I don't think they would notice.
Merlin: I don't think they would be able to peg it.
Merlin: I think it would be completely perplexing to them.
Merlin: It would just be like you look rested.
Merlin: I bet you look – here's the thing.
Merlin: You get contrast now, right?
Merlin: You're going to look so rested.
John: You know, you look like Lonely Sandwich.
John: He's got some good eyebrows.
John: He's got good everything.
John: You know, Dan Benjamin, big, big eyebrows.
John: Mm-hmm.
John: A lot of the people you work with are eyebrow people.
John: I hadn't thought about this.
John: And then me, I'm like some kind of like eyebrow desert.
John: I don't understand.
Merlin: There's got to be some small part of John thinking, why not me?
Merlin: How come I didn't get the eyedropper?
Merlin: Mm-hmm.
Merlin: Literally.
Mm-hmm.
Merlin: I think it's a terrific idea.
Merlin: I think it's something you could start very modestly.
Merlin: As with your mom's hand-me-down makeup, you could experiment around the house while you're preparing a meal.
Merlin: You could just try it on, see if it's not too heavy.
John: Well, but here's the thing.
John: So a lot of guys come up to me, and we've talked about this before.
John: They're insecure about their beards.
John: And I get a lot of young guys with light beards, wispy beards, who think that a little hair club for men, or whatever, hair club for men isn't the right.
Merlin: Oh, you're thinking of the stuff, the Precisely Right?
Merlin: It's basically graphite from a pencil.
Merlin: You comb into your beard, right?
John: Yeah, it's the stuff that Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal use.
John: Steroids?
John: All of a sudden their beard looks like they were giving cunnilingus to a cat and their face was covered with mentholatum.
John: You know it is Chuck Norris' beard, but it's clearly... You're saying Chuck Norris was literally eating pussy.
John: His beard is the fake... I mean, Chuck Norris is fake looking.
John: But his beard is the fakest looking thing about him.
Merlin: Well, and again, as with the toupees we've talked about, it's way too dark and ample.
Merlin: It's too bushy, but it's really, it's way too dark for a man of his age.
John: Exactly.
John: Exactly.
John: And the problem with being a young guy who puts that paint in his beard is the same problem.
John: All of a sudden, you've got a beard that is...
John: That's too chemical.
Merlin: It's implausible.
John: Yeah, you need your young person.
John: And if you have a blonde beard, it is evident in your eyes that your beard is blonde.
John: You can you can dye it, but your eyes betray the blonde, the blondness at your at your center.
John: And I'm worried that the blondness that's still at my center will be evident.
John: And so the ruse of the eyebrows, the game will be up.
John: Even a stranger would look at me and say, there's something blonder about you than you're repping.
Merlin: Well, you know, you're a thinker.
Merlin: I can't stop that.
Merlin: But I think this could be a really valuable experiment.
Merlin: All you really need – see, I don't even know enough to say which makeup to get.
Merlin: But I'm telling you, if you had one lady who you trust – Well, right there.
John: Stop it there.
All right.
Merlin: But here's the thing.
Merlin: And somebody who's good with makeup, I can think of at least one lady you know that I know who's very attractive and who has great makeup and somebody you trust who could do it gradually and with the right color.
Merlin: So it wasn't too much because here's the problem.
Merlin: We get back to the Calvin Klein problem is now you may not know.
Merlin: You might start going like, oh, this looks pretty great.
Merlin: I should get a bigger hair hat.
Merlin: You know what I mean?
Merlin: And you get so – it's a form of personal fetishization where you go like, oh, I look good with my teeth unyellowed.
Merlin: I should get them whiter.
John: I should get veneers put on.
Merlin: I should get these giant choppers that are blindingly white and obviously fake.
John: giant veneers where you can see the you can see the small yellow rotten tooth behind them dialect different um yeah that right i mean you know a little bit of color in your eyebrows looks great and then all of a sudden i'm walking around and i you know i've got like a three finger eyebrows on either side
John: Is that height?
John: Yeah, three fingers.
John: Oh!
Merlin: You would look like Groucho.
Merlin: You would look like you had grease paint.
Merlin: Shiny eyebrows.
John: Well, I feel like I need to do something about this.
John: I don't know whether it's that I start wearing Run DMC glasses or that I... You mean like Nabeel glasses?
John: Yeah, Nabeel glasses where it just gives me raccoon eyes.
John: Or whether I need to start dyeing my eyebrows a little bit.
Merlin: You know, I just want to say, John, I would say step away from having any trepidation about this.
Merlin: Dive into this.
Merlin: Have some fun with it.
Merlin: You are literally a performer.
Merlin: This is part of your work.
John: Oh, true, true, true.
Merlin: You think Taylor Swift sits around and goes, oh, should I be pretty today?
Merlin: No.
Merlin: She knows she should be pretty.
Merlin: You should dive into this with gusto.
Merlin: You could probably, you know, you might be, you know what, you could maybe get, like, I don't know, like a Maybelline or a Max Factor or a Mary Kay.
Merlin: You know, like Bob Pollard used to get free chucks.
Merlin: Maybe you could get some makeup.
John: Well, I've thought about this in another context, which is the mod haircut.
John: Here's the thing about the mod haircut.
Merlin: You mean like a Caesar hipster comb-over?
John: No, I'm talking about like a style council haircut.
Merlin: Like a floopy haircut?
Merlin: Style council.
Merlin: Right?
Merlin: See, now I'm thinking, I can't decide if I'm thinking more of like the guy from Suede or like Keith Moon.
Merlin: Well...
Merlin: You don't want floopy pseudo goth locks.
John: No, think about Ron Wood.
John: In 70, before he joined the Stones.
John: Like a shag?
John: Like a shag.
John: Like a Paul Weller.
Merlin: Maybe five years ago, John.
John: A Paul Weller in, well, I don't know.
Merlin: You and I are well into the age where we need to think carefully about shaggy hair.
John: Yeah, I know.
John: I know.
John: This is the thing, but I never really had a shag.
John: It makes you look tired.
John: It makes you look tired.
John: I feel like it does make you look tired, but I can't decide whether it's just that people in middle age who are still wearing a shag haircut are actually just tired.
John: They feel like maybe those are the tired people.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Also, I just don't trust my own instincts.
Merlin: You can hear me trying to be circumspect about this because I know – I am, to use your words, a grotesquerie.
Merlin: Like I went in today and I got my eyes examined and got some new glasses that are making for me.
Merlin: And every single pair of glasses I put on looked asinine.
Merlin: Still not nearly as good as the ones my sister-in-law threw away.
Merlin: Not that I'm angry.
Merlin: But every pair of glasses I put on, I looked like somebody who wanted to be a Danish architect for Halloween.
John: Yes.
Merlin: But with 60s.
John: Yes.
Merlin: You know, they're all very angular and Nordic or something.
Merlin: And I just – I'm afraid that if I get – if I got a shaggy haircut, like pretty soon I would be on the Robert Evans path.
Merlin: Like I would start like moisturizing and stuff.
John: Right.
John: It's very Robert Evans.
John: Do you moisturize, if you can say?
John: Do I moisturize?
John: I could see you moisturizing.
John: I don't even –
John: I think lack of moisturizing is maybe a problem for me because I itch.
John: I get itches.
John: And the way that I solve my itch problem is that I put super hot scalding water on the place where I itch.
Merlin: John Roderick, I can't even tell you how much hydrogen peroxide I'm going through at this point.
Merlin: And it's a wonderful – hydrogen peroxide is a gift.
Merlin: It's changed my game.
Merlin: You got me into that burning now and I can't look back.
Merlin: I use it on every part of my body.
Merlin: I use it as mouthwash probably three or four times a day.
John: And it foams and it burns and it lets you know it's working.
John: That's right.
John: But the problem is I went into the doctor and I said, so I'm using a lot of hot scalding water and a lot of hydrogen peroxide.
Wow.
John: Because in my head, it's 1920.
John: To cure pretty much all of my problems.
John: Because in my head, I'm at a Kellogg facility on Lake Erie.
John: And they are giving me wheatgrass juice.
Merlin: Hot water helps you move your bowels.
John: Yeah, eating a lot of steel-cut oats and scalding myself.
John: And then pouring hydrogen peroxide into the wounds.
John: And the doctor said, well, has it occurred to you that you are using... I mean, that hot scalding water and hydrogen peroxide both dry your skin?
John: What are you, fucking Socrates?
John: You may be experiencing itching because of the treatments that you're giving yourself, the unauthorized treatments, and maybe what you should do instead is moisturize.
John: And I was like, is this an Estee Lauder emergency room?
John: I don't want to moisturize.
John: I don't want to become a guy who moisturizes.
John: But then I walked out of there and I was like, is this, this is, this is another sign of middle age.
Merlin: And this is the thing with me.
Merlin: And maybe it's like, maybe it's like you and that unopened bottle of whiskey.
Merlin: Like it's there.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: For me, like a friend of mine for a, again, for like a stocking stuff for gift, gave me some Kiehl's cream.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: And it was really, it felt really good.
John: Well, sure, that's how they get you.
John: I'm trying to go the other way and use horses.
Merlin: It's in a blue tube.
Merlin: It's real.
Merlin: And to me, it's not even like a masculinity thing.
Merlin: It's just a complexity thing.
John: It's expensive.
Merlin: And it's expensive.
Merlin: It's very, very costly.
Merlin: Hot water is negligible in cost, even during a drought.
John: And then you become a guy who's like, oh, I can't go on that trip.
John: I forgot my cream.
John: I forgot my cream.
John: I'm sorry, I can't go walk to the top of the hill with you.
John: I have to go to town to get some more cream.
John: Because without it, I am a sobbing wreck.
John: We're going to have to catch a later funicular.
Merlin: I have to go pick up some cream.
John: I am propped up now.
John: In my old age, I am propped up by cream and a girdle.
Ha!
Merlin: Now, have you ever done that?
Merlin: My eyebrow pencils.
Merlin: I'm telling you, man, if you, boy, they call it a back brace.
Merlin: It'll make you feel real slender.
Merlin: No.
Merlin: Well, you're losing weight now because of the wheat, right?
Merlin: Are you still, are you continuing to lose weight or have you sort of, most people get to a certain point and then they hang in the same plus or minus five, six pound area.
John: Yeah, I have plateaued.
John: I have plateaued at what was formerly my fat weight.
John: Like, until I was 35, I had a weight.
John: I had a top weight.
John: Oh, I know what you mean.
John: And a bottom weight.
John: Yep, yep.
John: And I never got to the top.
John: I hardly ever got to the top weight.
John: When I did, I was ashamed.
John: And I was always striving to get back to the bottom weight, and I never quite got there.
John: But then sometime in my 40s, I went screaming past my top weight.
John: Just like top down, stereo on, hair blown in the wind.
John: The top weight was in the rear view mirror.
John: I was flipping it double birds.
John: I was peeing in a milk carton heading down the highway.
John: And so when I stopped eating wheat, I lost all that secondary top weight, top weight adjacent, top weight annex.
John: And then I got back to, like, top weight neighborhood, and then I stalled.
John: Yeah.
John: And the weight stopped going off, and I started, like, cheat day started being cheat weekend, started being cheat, you know.
John: Yeah.
John: But the thing is, when I eat wheat, I still feel terrible.
Merlin: That's it.
Merlin: That's it for me.
Merlin: Yeah, I had taken off some weight because I had pretty much – I did several – I've done several health-related things that I thought I needed to do, getting more sleep, trying to eat a lot more protein.
Merlin: And here's the thing.
Merlin: I mean, again, back to the food.
Merlin: Happy New Year.
Merlin: It's been so long since we've talked about it.
Merlin: But for me, it's real simple.
Merlin: Like I don't want to get into a thing –
Merlin: I don't have the cycles or the interest to dive into something, a totally bananas diet with a brand name.
Merlin: All I do is do everything I can to avoid wheat except when I can't and to eat stuff with as much protein as possible.
Merlin: I'm not really worried about how much fat is in it.
Merlin: Stuff like, again, like beef jerky or things like that has just butt tons of protein in it and it will give you energy.
Merlin: You look at it and go, oh, that's a snack.
Merlin: But if you eat that, you will feel better.
Merlin: Whereas if I go, I'm going to go sit down and I'm going to tuck into this two pounds of fucking chow mein, I feel like shit.
Merlin: If I go to KFC now, I'm out for like two days.
John: Yep.
John: Yep.
John: And I'm the same.
John: But I'm no longer accruing to myself all of the, like, what I was kind of...
John: what I was smugly calling the tangential benefits.
John: Like, oh, I didn't quit eating wheat to lose weight.
John: I quit eating wheat because of blah, blah, blah.
John: A lot of vain middle-aged men.
John: Yeah, I quit because of bullshit.
John: But then it turned into real.
John: And, oh, also, I'm losing weight.
John: And now I'm not doing that anymore.
John: And now it just feels like, oh, I have a medical condition.
John: And I'm back in a fucking brace.
John: I'm back in my polio crutches.
John: And now it's like, I'm still a fat guy, but I can't eat spaghetti anymore.
Merlin: Oh, no.
John: So, anyways.
John: So, the other day I was at... That's terrible for a fat guy.
John: It's not good.
John: Fat guys love spaghetti.
John: Fat guy.
John: If a fat guy can't eat spaghetti, what can a fat guy do?
John: So, I was at the mall...
John: the other day for a totally different reason.
John: And I noticed at the mall, I was, I was not buying cream.
John: I was at the mall because, uh, you know, I'm a family man and family men are required to go to the mall by the police.
John: Uh, and I went there and I saw that there was an LA fitness at the local mall.
John: And I became curious about what an LA fitness is, what it represents, uh,
John: So I went and I looked, and it is a chain of fitness places.
Merlin: It's superficial and only pretends to like you.
John: Yeah, it's a fitness place that is stuck in traffic for two hours a day.
Merlin: It's just a locked door that says, call me sometime.
John: And so now I am toying with the idea of joining a fitness club.
Merlin: Oh, boy.
John: And then we'll be talking about exercise on here.
Merlin: Are you going to get bulky?
Merlin: Don't get bulky, John.
John: I have that skin that doesn't tan.
Merlin: Good, because I do not like looking at extremely fit old guys.
Merlin: I'd rather see a saggy old guy than somebody with saggy old guy skin who happens to have muscle bumps.
Merlin: It's horrifying.
Merlin: You ever seen the chest of a muscular man?
Merlin: It's horrifying.
John: Yeah, I mean, it's not like the chest of an unmuscular old guy is anything to write home about either.
Merlin: Well, but at least it's natural.
John: The thing about old people is that they look like a canoe.
John: I'm looking at a picture of Paul Weller right now, and his skin is the color of oxblood.
John: I mean, he is literally a cordovan shoe.
John: a cordovan shoe of a man he's a cordovan shoe he has a cordovan shoe of a face he has like a fringe of hair in in like salt and pepper um that looks like somebody put a sham wow on his head but he looks awesome he looks amazing but he looks like he looks like somebody left him out in the sun a little too i mean just in the sense of he looks he's a little raisiny
John: Well, he does, and if he took off his shirt, I guarantee you it would look like somebody hung two purses on a tree.
John: Not in a good way.
Merlin: You can tell your trainer that's what you're looking for.
Merlin: Somebody hung two small brown purses on a tree.
Merlin: I think it's more like two evening bags.
Merlin: Nothing ostentatious.
Merlin: Just something to keep my cream in.
Merlin: Boy, he looks great.
Merlin: Nick Lowe, ditto Nick Lowe.
Merlin: Now, Nick Lowe, I'm going to guess.
Merlin: You know he's rich, right?
Merlin: We talked about this.
John: Nick Lowe is rich?
John: How did Nick Lowe get rich?
Merlin: You'll never believe it in a million years.
John: How do you get rich today in music?
Merlin: No, no, even better.
Merlin: What is the path to fame today?
Merlin: For example, did you make anything off the UFC soundtrack?
Merlin: Oh, yeah.
Merlin: He has a song on the Bodyguard soundtrack.
Merlin: Yeah, Rising Tide raises all lows.
Merlin: Boom.
Merlin: Yep, so he gets to do what he wants now because he's on the fucking Bodyguard soundtrack.
Merlin: It's like the most successful.
Merlin: Yes, precisely.
John: Yeah, that happened to the Posies.
John: oh austin powers no they had that song on reality bites soundtrack oh you're kidding me and the reality bites soundtrack for whatever what it was it represented at that moment in time a thing that people wanted to buy i don't remember i thought it was like sound garden-y pearl jammy i don't know i never heard that's so awesome that's so that's so great so that's that's how they can afford all that luxury that they enjoy yeah right exactly so they you know i think that i think
John: I think they, as Chris Ballou says, he's thinking of retiring and getting into the check cashing business.
John: Oh, here's a picture of Paul Weller with a fat tummy.
John: Oh, something's going on with Paul.
John: He looks, oh, with the purple shirt?
John: Purple shirt, he's looking a little chubby.
Merlin: Oh, he's getting that old lesbian look.
John: Look at that, he does look like an old lesbian.
John: He looks like he's the singer of the psychedelic furs.
Merlin: There is that one Tumblr.
Merlin: What is it?
Merlin: Old men who look like lesbians or something like that?
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: I got to the last page.
Merlin: I looked at every single page, and I was sad when I got to the end.
Merlin: It might have been a blogspot thing.
Merlin: But, you know, I got to say nothing against Paul Weller.
Merlin: I am a fan.
Merlin: I'm a big fan.
John: Yeah, sure.
Merlin: But he kind of looks like...
Merlin: In a lot of these photos, it looks a little bit like he had a makeover for a time.
Merlin: You know what I'm saying?
Merlin: Again, nothing to disparage him because he looks great.
Merlin: But it looks like he put this look together for a while, and I bet it was hard to sustain.
Merlin: That haircut is not going to take care of itself.
Merlin: You don't get that thing cut every two weeks?
John: Yeah, well, and that's the thing.
John: It's a signature look, so he can't get away from it.
John: You know what I mean?
John: It's not like Paul Weller can just start wearing his hair like a normal guy.
John: There's an expectation that he's going to show up in that hair, and that is a thing I have always tried to avoid in my own case.
John: Not that I'm under the same pressure that Paul Weller is under to represent.
John: But, you know, whenever people say...
John: Whenever people start talking about my beard too much, I shave it off just to be difficult.
John: And the problem with that, of course, is that as I get older, I don't want to shave my beard anymore.
John: It's just too much.
John: It's just too agonizing.
John: And whenever I go to Europe, people are in that European way.
John: They're always really happy to tell me, like, you should never shave your beard.
John: You look a lot better with the beard.
John: Your face is not as good as with the beard.
Merlin: There's probably a very, very long German word for beard-shaped face.
John: Shut up, you people.
John: Yeah, I'm sure there is.
John: And I'm sure they have said it to me, and I'm...
John: I'm already looking at the next person in the merch line.
Merlin: I don't want to belabor this physical appearance issue, but is this kind of the sort of haircut you're thinking about?
Merlin: Well, no.
Merlin: Now that I see it on... Something Vanderslice-y, kind of?
John: Paul and Vanderslice, what's interesting about it when you really look at those haircuts is they're very choppy.
John: They're a little too... I remember when Vanderslice first started to cut his hair really hip, really young.
John: and i felt like 30 you know he's not he's not and and i felt he looks good though he looks real good he does look good but but my initial feeling was that it was a little too um chernobyl like it's it seemed like somebody had gotten a little too many rams well just glad you're alive
John: I think what I'm thinking of is Ron Wood, or I'm thinking of Keith Richards in 77.
Merlin: Faces era Ron Wood, but spiky.
Merlin: Spiky, but long.
Merlin: John, you look like Elvira.
John: I'm afraid I will.
John: I'm afraid that the part of me that wants to be Keith Richards in 77 is going to... This is like buying a Corvette.
John: It's going to... Right at the point where I finally...
John: feel like i've earned the right or i i can finally you know in my mind i can pull it off i will already be so far past being able to pull it off and i will just i'll just look like such a dope and also keith richards great eyebrows and uh you know and black hair like i don't have those things well let's talk about the elephant in the room if you got these color to a point where people could tell that you have eyes do you think you do you see yourself doing any um shaping
John: What do you mean?
Merlin: Of the eyebrows?
Merlin: Well, yeah.
Merlin: I mean, I'm not saying you go nuts.
Merlin: I'm not saying go all David Ferry, but do you see yourself doing some manscaping of your eyebrows?
Merlin: You can get a great look.
Merlin: You get like an Ashley Judd kind of a brow, and that changes everything.
Merlin: There's a lot of people out there who look completely different after they did their eyebrows up.
John: Well, let me tell you.
John: Here's the thing about my eyebrows.
John: It is not just that I have these big...
John: blonde eyebrows and you just can't see them because they're blonde like i barely have eyebrows this is just hard to listen to john this is rough blonde hair up there and the thing is as i get older now the hairs that are there are starting to grow really long
Merlin: Yeah, I call it Brezhnev.
John: Yeah, I'm already getting wizard eyebrows, but there's not really much there.
John: So it's like one Brezhnev sticks out and then I have the rest of my eyebrows belong on an 11-year-old girl.
John: So I would have to really just basically I would have to fraudulently
John: Put eyebrows on myself.
John: Or go somewhere and maybe have eyebrows surgically implanted.
John: Can you go to a hair club type situation and get eyebrow implants?
Merlin: This is the beauty of such a modest change is that there are so many levels.
Merlin: You could go to a fucking Halloween supply store to start.
Merlin: You can go up as high as you want.
Merlin: I would say don't go with things like the tattooing and the permanent anything because you never know.
Merlin: You never know what you're eating.
Merlin: You never know what fashions change.
Merlin: You know what I mean?
Merlin: You might decide that you might finally freak out someday and want to shave off your eyebrows, which no one would notice.
Merlin: John, I don't think it's going to take all that much for this to really make your eyes pop.
Merlin: You would look good.
Merlin: You should do it.
John: Well, okay.
John: So now the question, of course, is, and this is ever since I discovered eBay a week ago.
John: Yeah, yeah.
John: I saw this.
John: You've been bidding.
Yeah.
John: Well, I've been on eBay, and it's the wrong place for me to be, first of all.
John: It does not bring out your better angels.
John: And my fear about this eyebrow thing is that it is another example of a kind of creeping materialism in my life where if I'm really honest, if I really search my feelings, I am trying to solve a different problem than a lack of eyebrows.
John: I'm trying to put eyebrows on a basketball.
John: You know what I mean?
John: I am trying to... I'm drawing a face on a volleyball and I am investing my friendship in it.
John: Except you're also the volleyball.
John: And then one day... You are Wilson.
John: One day the sea will take Wilson back.
John: And then where will I be?
John: So I need to really ask myself, do I need... So the other day I was on the internet, I was on eBay, and I realized that I did not even know that such a thing as a tie case existed.
John: Do you know what a tie case is?
John: Now I know about tie racks.
John: Right.
John: Well, a tie case is a piece of luggage, a small piece of luggage that holds your ties.
John: Oh, that's got Jesse Thorne written all over it.
John: Right?
John: It's a total Jesse Thorne thing.
John: And so all the fancy people...
John: Like Hermes and Christian.
Merlin: I think if you deliberately pronounce it wrong, it stays masculine.
John: And, you know, and whatever, Gucci.
John: These guys, they all make tie cases out of Corinthian leather.
John: And then, I shit you not, they will sell them for $300 or $500 or, in the case of Louis Vuitton, probably $1,500.
John: Empty.
Merlin: Not even a tie in it.
Merlin: Doesn't even come with a tie.
Merlin: Doesn't even come with a starter tie?
John: No.
John: It is just a piece of luggage that is the size and shape of half of a tie.
John: And you are meant to put your tie in and fold your tie a couple of times and then put it in this case and the case keeps it protected.
John: Does it hold a single tie?
John: I think you can put two to four ties in.
John: Now that's funny.
John: And you tuck it into your luggage.
John: It's a total Jesse Thorne thing as he is stacking his latest set of $5,000 luggage.
John: He's got his cravat brush holder.
John: I guarantee you next to his cravat brush holder case, he has at least one tie case, if not several.
John: Anyway, so I'm looking online and I was like, I didn't even know that there was such a thing as a tie case.
John: And now I want one.
John: Now I want a tie case.
John: It's all it takes.
John: All it takes.
John: And I'm on eBay, but I still have this thrift store mentality, which is that the point is not to get a thing at fair value.
John: The point is to find a thing that other people don't understand.
John: Find a thing that is ridiculously underpriced because nobody notices it.
John: Like, that's the thrift store game.
John: You go in there and, I mean, I see things in thrift stores all the time that they know what it is.
John: They have priced it reasonably.
John: And I am contemptuous of it because reasonable price is not what I am.
John: That's not why I'm here.
John: I am here to beat the game and find the diamond in the rough.
John: So I'm on eBay and I'm looking at all these tie cases and I'm like, well, there's a tie case.
John: That's a handsome thing.
John: It's only $9, $9.99.
John: I'm going to bid on it.
John: And I bid on it.
John: And then two days later, I come back and it's $75 because it's a Hermes.
John: And I say, that is ludicrous.
John: Like that is a ludicrous, it's a ludicrous item to own, let alone to pay real money for, let alone to fight other anonymous people over.
John: So then I'm like, I'm searching, I'm searching.
John: I find another tie case.
John: I'm like, oh, that's a nice looking tie case.
John: That's by a luggage company called Gurkha.
John: And I bid on it, $9.99.
John: A couple days later, I come back, $55.
John: And it's in three days left to run.
John: And so I'm getting emotionally worked up because other people are stealing my tie cases and
John: And I'm not really considering, A, I didn't even know what a tie case was.
John: B, I do not need a tie case.
John: I'm 45 years old.
John: I've never needed one before.
John: I don't need one now.
John: And C, these tie cases are precisely items of conspicuous...
Merlin: The whole point is that you're buying something expensive.
John: Yeah, you could make a tie case.
John: If you could make a holster out of cardboard and packing tape, you could make a fucking tie case out of cardboard.
Merlin: It's not about functional.
Merlin: It's a Veblen good.
Merlin: You get it just because it's fancy.
John: That was a Thorstein Veblen reference.
John: I don't usually stop the car and get out and give you a round of applause, but that was very nice.
John: That makes me happy.
John: Um...
John: So, but in any case, I did find a tie case and I realized, I looked at, I looked on there and I realized it was a Christian Dior and the owner didn't know what it was.
John: Oh, that's right in your wheelhouse.
John: And nobody else bothered to, because it was like, it didn't say Dior on it, but there was a little emblem that was like some early Dior stamp.
John: And I don't care about Christian Dior.
John: I don't have a single item of that brand.
John: It means nothing to me.
John: But the fact that there was this thing, which I did the research to know was a thing of value that the owner and the other customers did not recognize was a thing.
John: I was very excited and I bid on it and I won it.
Merlin: Congratulations.
Merlin: For $5.
Merlin: Wow.
Merlin: Get out.
Merlin: Walk away.
Merlin: You're done with Vegas.
John: $5 and then $6 of shipping.
John: So $11 total.
John: I got a tie case, a vintage Christian Dior tie case, which the next time I see Jesse Thorne, I'm going to waggle it in front of his nose.
John: I'm going to say, I'm going to waggle it so he can smell the Corinthian in the leather.
John: I'm going to say, look at that.
John: Waggle, waggle, waggle, waggle.
John: I'm not even going to put ties in it.
John: I'm just going to carry it around in the hopes I'm going to run into Jesse Thorne.
John: So I can draw it under his nose and be like, $5.
John: And he'll be like, why do you look different?