Ep. 357: "Scrambling the Ham"
John: Hello.
John: Hi, John.
John: Hi, Merlin.
John: How's it going?
Merlin: Good.
Merlin: Good.
Merlin: Huzzah.
Merlin: Super Friends.
Merlin: Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
John: Here we are again.
Merlin: Here we are in Spain.
Merlin: Yes, and... I gotta really work on that.
Merlin: I always forget.
Merlin: Yours is good.
John: I know.
John: It's been years.
Merlin: It's been years.
Merlin: It's early.
Merlin: I have returned to a technology that I feel like I learned about from you.
Merlin: All right.
Merlin: Go on.
Merlin: Egg in a mug.
Merlin: Reading a book?
Merlin: Is that what you said?
Merlin: Egg in a mug?
Merlin: Egg in a mug.
Merlin: Egg in a mug, microwave egg.
John: Oh, egg in a mug.
John: That's me, egg in a mug.
John: That's what they call me.
John: I've been doing some mix-ins.
Merlin: Old egg in a mug.
Merlin: Yep, yep, yep.
Merlin: And people don't believe me.
Merlin: I tell people, I tell my kids, you got to try this technology.
Merlin: It works like straight out of the box.
Merlin: If you want you a quick-ass egg, it works, but you can also go places with it.
Merlin: Do you throw some cheese in there?
Merlin: I bet your ass I do.
John: You throw a little salt and pepper in there?
Merlin: Well, I may at this point be taking it too far because I'm trying to innovate.
John: Trying to make an omelet in a cup?
Merlin: Well, yeah, but it actually goes way further than that.
Merlin: Because what I'm currently doing that's working fine... So here's the methodology that I use, and you can tell me what you do.
Merlin: The easiest way to do this is you put a tablespoon of butter in a mug.
Merlin: That's not that much.
Merlin: No, no, no.
Merlin: A tablespoon of butter is fine.
Merlin: A tablespoon of butter is a fine amount of butter.
Merlin: It's less than you'd think.
John: It helps the medicine go down.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: You could pre-melt it a little bit if you want.
Merlin: But if you're really in a hurry, you just put some butter in there.
Merlin: You scramble an egg.
Merlin: I would put some salt in.
Merlin: So I'm doing on a very high wattage microwave, I'm doing that first pass of about 30 seconds.
John: That's right.
Merlin: And then you kind of squish it around a little bit, because it's already eggifying.
Merlin: And then I give it another blast of 30, 40 seconds, depending.
Merlin: And that's the easy, the super easy way.
Merlin: Are you doing one egg or two?
Merlin: I've done both.
Merlin: I'm giving the unadulterated simple version there.
Merlin: And then I want to really explore the space, because I'm taking this to places that are perhaps a little upsetting to a lot of people.
John: Now tell me what you do.
John: Well, see, I don't scramble it in advance.
John: I just throw an egg in a cup.
John: Egg in a cup, salt and pepper, and then 30 seconds, and then I hit it with the fork, scramble it after it starts to eggify, and that's where you get a kind of, you know, you get that little bit fluffier egg.
Merlin: It's a surprise.
Merlin: Now, my friend Max Temkin, he scoffed.
Merlin: He scoffed at me when I said this.
Merlin: He says, it doesn't give you a flat egg.
Merlin: I said, surprisingly, my friend, turns out, you get a surprisingly fluffy egg out of this.
John: Yeah, Max Temkin lives in a house with an atrium.
John: Yeah.
John: He doesn't know why.
Merlin: Make an egg in a cup?
John: Uh-huh.
John: Egg in a cup.
John: Egg in a cup.
Merlin: It's for the people.
Merlin: It's a people's egg.
Merlin: Okay, and so you do you a scramble after the first 30.
John: Yep.
John: I hit the raw egg with salt and pepper.
John: And then maybe if I've got a little grated cheese, I throw that in there.
John: And then it's all just, you know, half a bit, 30 seconds.
John: Maybe you'll get one pop.
John: But it's not a big pop.
John: It's just like a little pop.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: No, no, that's within normal parameters of pop.
John: Yeah.
John: And then scramble it, and then you're out the door.
Merlin: And the reason I like this, in part, it is very easy and it has such minimal cleanup involved.
John: Right.
Merlin: So then I started to innovate and I did some somewhat obvious innovations.
Merlin: And one easy one I've been doing is I got me some ham.
Merlin: And I got me some shredded cheddar.
Merlin: And so what I would do is, at the beginning of the mix-in, so I would take a slice of ham, roll it up.
Merlin: Remember, this is all about efficiency.
Merlin: I roll it the hell up.
Merlin: Okay, this is thin sliced ham.
Merlin: Thin sliced ham, yes.
Merlin: Yes, you could get some chunklets.
Merlin: And I'm going somewhere with that in a minute.
Merlin: But what I'm doing here now is you cut that lengthwise and then chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.
Merlin: And you get some ham bits.
Merlin: So you're only really adding like a few seconds there.
Merlin: You toss that in with the shredded cheddar and you do the whole thing.
Merlin: And like I said, I've been trying it with two eggs.
Merlin: But that's a surprisingly... If you've reached that point where you're somewhere between...
Merlin: a full English breakfast and, say, Soylent, you're somewhere in between where you just want body fuel that you'll enjoy.
Merlin: I feel like that's pretty close to the sweet spot.
Merlin: Your mileage may vary.
Merlin: It depends on what you want your mix-ins to be.
John: So if I can, I'll just throw in that if you slice your ham thin enough, you can stick an uncut piece of ham in there.
John: 30 seconds, and then when you hit it with the fork, it shreds the ham.
John: So it's not chopped.
John: It's just as you scramble the egg, you're scrambling the ham.
John: Scrambling the ham.
John: And then if it's thin enough, it'll just tear apart.
John: And then you've got kind of random sort of shreddy pieces of ham throughout the egg.
Merlin: Makes it a little more rustic.
John: It's a little rustic and it's also one less step and one less thing that gets dirty.
John: When I get done, all that I have is a cup that has no egg left in it because I ate it all.
John: And a fork.
John: And a fork.
Merlin: That's the whole thing.
Merlin: That's not so different than a cup of coffee.
John: It's less work than a cup of coffee in a lot of ways.
Merlin: I made a pot of coffee this morning.
Merlin: Yes, mine is coffee plus fork, but the fork I find to be the second easiest utensil to clean.
Merlin: So I don't mind that.
John: What's the first easiest utensil?
Merlin: I think a bread knife.
Merlin: A simple working man's bread knife.
John: Well, I find a knife a little bit harder to clean, frankly.
John: Because with a knife, you have to just keep in mind...
John: the sharpness of it you know i'm talking about like a standard flatware cutlery type situation what you put next to the plate not like a steak knife right but even i maybe it's just a hangover from from uh sharp knives but i always feel like i've just got it in the back of my head like careful i know you're right treat treat every knife like it's loaded
John: That's right.
John: And I'm a knife licker before I put the knife, before I put it to it.
Merlin: That is rustic.
Merlin: That is very rustic.
John: I don't want to start cleaning it until I've, well, until I've licked it.
John: Same with a fork.
Merlin: I've thought about, I wonder if I'd like to have like a Walder Frey kind of fork, like where it's just two very long tines.
Merlin: Oh.
Merlin: You know, like a Game of Thrones fork.
John: Sure.
Merlin: That'd be kind of a cool look.
John: Have you ever used one of those fork gifes?
Merlin: Oh, like for camping?
Merlin: Yeah, I think so.
Merlin: Well, I mean, we got a titanium spork for my kid for her lunches that worked surprisingly well.
Merlin: You're talking about, so wait, describe what you're talking about.
John: Well, so it's a spork, right?
John: It's a spoon with a fork, little short tines at the end, and then one edge is serrated.
John: Oh, yeah, it's a little knifey.
John: And it's a little knife to cut up your things.
Merlin: Is it on the spoon-y side?
Merlin: It's on the spoon, yeah.
Merlin: You don't worry about a tongue cut?
Merlin: Well... I know.
Merlin: You take the good, you take the bad.
Merlin: Facts of life.
John: It's serrated like a bread knife, so hopefully not dangerous.
John: But also, you know, my daughter, I don't know what age your daughter mastered cutting things with a knife, but my daughter still... I'll let you know.
John: I'll let you know.
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John: She still spreads it all over.
John: Spreads it all over.
John: We were cutting pumpkins yesterday, and we had those pumpkin cutting knives that are, like, deeply serrated.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Oh, gosh, yes.
Merlin: And you get the cheap ones of those, and they're terrifying.
John: Well, that's, yeah, they're terrible.
Merlin: They're not cutty, they're terry.
John: We had okay ones, and I was like, here you go, sweetie.
John: You never take the knife out.
John: You just leave it in, and then you pull it half out, and then push it back in.
John: So it's like a sawing motion.
John: Zuz, zuz, zuz, zuz.
John: Zupa, zupa.
John: She said, I got it, I got it.
John: And she stuck it in and just started just pushing down on it, like just trying to...
John: Just like you would.
Merlin: Honey, you got to let the knife do the work.
John: Just cleaving it.
John: And then she'd pull it all the way out and stab it back in.
John: And I'm like, no, no, no.
John: Here, let's try it again.
John: Saw, saw, saw, saw.
John: And she's just brutalized.
John: You know, the pumpkin's all scarred and bruised.
John: And I was like, it's your pumpkin, sweetie.
John: She's a gourd butcher.
John: Yeah, I just – I don't know what it is about knives, but, you know, cutting – just cutting something up, I end up always like, why don't I just help you here and I'll just cut your food up into little bits.
John: Yep.
John: I can't really eat as long as you're not managed.
Merlin: Right, because otherwise the food's all over the table and not – you know –
Merlin: I'm trying to quietly set myself to the task of talking less about my child.
Merlin: So I'm not going to talk about my child here.
Merlin: I'm going to talk about a young person in the abstract.
Merlin: Oh, I see.
Merlin: So I'm avoiding two things here, just to be clear.
Merlin: I have an opening statement.
Merlin: First of all, I'm avoiding talking about my dear child.
Merlin: But I'm also avoiding, let's be honest, I'm avoiding the old man thing of saying these kids today, they just don't even know how to use a fax machine.
John: It's
Merlin: I hate that.
Merlin: Hate that.
Merlin: But I will say this.
Merlin: There are certain childhood tasks that I would like to think I had well mastered by, let's say, the tween age.
John: Right.
John: You mean like getting left alone at home?
John: Yeah.
John: And starting fires in the fireplace.
Merlin: Kind of.
Merlin: But I'm also talking about, like, really being good at shoelace tying.
Merlin: Right?
Merlin: So, like, or cutting my own things without making a mess or getting my own water.
Merlin: That's fine.
Merlin: Let's not even get started on riding on a bike.
Merlin: But then some of these youths can do things like do computer programming.
Yeah.
Merlin: I didn't know how to computer program.
John: No, I didn't even have computers.
Merlin: I mean, there are so many.
Merlin: Obviously, some of these skills would be beyond irrelevant because I didn't have the technology to do them.
Merlin: But, you know, I remember when I feel like I didn't have a kid at the time, but I remember when shoes with Velcro became popular.
Merlin: And I want to say the 80s or 90s.
John: Yeah, it was after crime.
Merlin: Well, do you remember how mad people were?
John: Oh, because kids today weren't going to learn how to tie their shoes.
Merlin: Yeah, that was going to be that the extremely important task of tying your shoes several times a day would be lost, you know, lost to time, tears, and rain.
Merlin: Because these stupid kids, these stupid kids who are certainly all in the Brown Reading Group, never learned how to tie their shoes.
Merlin: And it's like, you know what?
Merlin: Really, it turned out okay.
Yeah.
John: I don't know.
John: I feel like tying my shoes.
John: I told you this, didn't I?
John: I was a late adopter on a couple of things.
John: Yeah.
John: One of them was tying my shoes.
John: And at one point, I suffered the humiliation of having my sister come up from the kindergarten class.
John: to the second grade class to tie my shoes for me after recess.
John: And I got, um, I got relentlessly teased to the point that I was like, all right, I got to learn.
John: There's a lot to tease there.
John: The other one was I didn't really focus on learning to tell time.
John: I felt like it was a thing that was fine.
John: What did I need to know?
John: You know, there was always somebody that was going to tell me what time it was.
John: Yeah.
John: And it's not like I needed to tell time.
John: And so I think second grade, maybe I was still just like, I don't know what time it is.
John: And I was with a couple of my friends.
John: They were twins, Thomas and Peter Kluge.
John: And they were like the Kluge boys, the Kluge boys.
John: And they said, you don't know how to tell time.
John: And I was like, I don't know.
John: I don't.
John: I never learned.
John: And they pointed at a clock and they said, what time is it?
John: And I was like, I don't know.
John: And they said, no, no, no, seriously, what time is it?
John: And I was like, I don't know, 10 to 4?
John: And they were like, yes, it's 10 to 4.
John: You know how to tell time.
John: And it hit me like a ton of bricks, like, I do know how to tell time.
John: I just had convinced myself that I didn't, so I would look at a clock blindly and
John: But in fact, it was perfectly obvious what time it was to a third grader or whatever I was.
John: Yeah.
John: Because you could just do the math on it.
John: Like, hmm, let's see, 10 to 4?
Merlin: Or it's like, you know what class you're in?
Merlin: I mean, it's not so different.
Merlin: This is going to sound extreme.
Merlin: It's not so different from literacy and the way that there can be people who don't, quote unquote, learn how to read until they're in their 30s or 40s.
Merlin: And it's so great.
Merlin: And we like the inspirational videos.
Merlin: It's second only to the cochlear implant videos.
Merlin: Look at this.
Merlin: This person can read.
Merlin: It's really great.
Merlin: And it is really great.
Merlin: But that person is satisfied for their whole life.
Merlin: They've found a way to get along.
Merlin: And, you know, it's mainly that in your case, like you kind of know how to tell time, but you wouldn't want to do it as a skills challenge because you don't feel confident in your ability to tell time.
John: There was an adult man in my life when I was very young, when I was, you know, young child, young boy.
John: And he was, you know, a tender, caring, older man and apparently didn't know how to read.
John: And so he would sit with me while I learned to read, ostensibly helping me.
John: But in fact,
John: According to the other adults who were monitoring this with one side eye, apparently I taught him to read as I learned to read.
John: Hakuna Matata.
John: Yeah, because he just sat there while I was like, let's see, well, this must say banana because B-A-N-A-N-A.
John: And he was like, banana.
John: Yes.
John: Good jobs.
John: You know, good job, John.
John: And I would say, yes.
John: OK.
John: And so I learned to read and he you know, and I think he was probably 38.
John: And I think maybe I learned to read a little faster than he did, but he got there.
John: And he had never had an opportunity to do it where he didn't feel self-conscious.
John: Absolutely.
Merlin: There's never a good day to admit something like that.
John: Right.
Merlin: Or to feel the need to ask for a grown man and ask for help on something that everybody assumes you've been able to do since you were a child.
Merlin: It's shameful.
John: Yeah, what's he going to do?
John: Take an adult education thing?
John: But sitting there and saying to me, good job.
John: And if I asked him a question, I think he would say, what do you think it says?
John: And just gradually sort of – but he was a successful business person, right?
John: Really?
John: He owned not just one but a small chain of businesses.
Oh.
John: That did, you know, like tool and die manufacturer stuff and carburetor building.
John: But he had to look at contracts and stuff.
John: Oh, he just sort of went.
John: He had a brother that helped him, you know, was partner in the business.
John: A younger brother who I guess picked up some reading along the way.
John: I don't know.
John: But he was, you know, he could build anything.
John: And and I think after after kind of helping, you know, helping be sort of an adult in in my life at a young age, came away with a new set of skills sitting there with a little kid.
Merlin: I just want to say shame on me because because like shame on me, because first of all, well, there's a part of this I'm all in both parts.
Merlin: The first part is like I assumed that that was a simple tradesman.
Merlin: Um, like maybe some kind of a person who was like a custodian or a lawn worker.
Merlin: And it's, I have to be, I want to be dead honest with you.
Merlin: I also assumed he might be a magic Negro.
Merlin: I also, in my head, that seems like the kind of story we would have read when we were kids.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: Maybe as part of an SRA, maybe a green level SRA.
Merlin: There would have been an amazing story about this stone soup moment where these two simple people helped each other learn how to read.
John: You know what the story is?
John: Tom Sawyer.
Merlin: Oh, wait a minute.
Merlin: So you were painting his fence?
John: Yeah.
John: Wait.
John: Oh, no.
John: I'm sorry.
John: It was Huckleberry Finn.
John: That's the story.
John: I know the reference.
John: Yeah, yeah.
John: Oh, that.
John: I was talking about Jim.
John: Yeah, that's right.
John: All right.
John: You were both building a raft.
John: Okay.
John: Yeah, we were on a raft.
John: We were going down the river.
John: Shame on me.
Merlin: I just want to say.
John: Shame on me.
John: Well, you know, you can't control what your mind is doing.
John: It's dancing all around.
John: Oh, if only we could choose.
John: If only we could choose.
John: Your mind is over here.
Merlin: Your mind is over there.
Merlin: What are you going to do about it?
Merlin: What are you going to do?
Merlin: We got no soup.
Merlin: Can I ask you a Charles Nelson Reilly related question?
Merlin: Sure.
John: Of course.
Merlin: Always.
Merlin: You probably almost certainly didn't watch as much afternoon TV as I did as a child.
Merlin: But do you remember the commercials for the Bic Banana pen?
Merlin: Yes, I do.
Merlin: That's how every time I see the word banana or I have a reason to spell the word banana.
Merlin: Do you remember how he says it and spells it in the commercial?
Merlin: where he goes the big banana b-a-n-a-n-a that every time i for whatever reason have to type i'm not so much reading or seeing seeing a literal fruit the banana but every time i have to spell it in my head i in my head not allowed until now but i say b-a-n-a-n-a uh-huh big banana i can't uh i can never separate him from the match game
Merlin: Oh, he was so good on there.
John: He was really good on the match game.
John: And, you know, adults didn't used to really monitor your television intake like they do now.
John: That was racy.
John: It was so racy.
John: Well, it was in, like, Love American style.
John: Well, that was super racy.
Merlin: I loved it.
Merlin: I loved that show.
Merlin: With Stuart Margolin.
John: It was on there a lot.
Merlin: For me and you.
Merlin: Two in the red, white, and blue.
John: Hot.
Merlin: Yeah, that's me and you.
Merlin: Yes, yes.
Merlin: But yeah, yeah, Match Game would be on the afternoon.
Merlin: It was fun.
Merlin: Gene Rayburn had that wackadoo microphone.
John: She did.
John: There were a lot of double entendres.
John: So many.
John: There was a lot of gay-themed material.
John: Yeah.
John: A lot of gay double entendres, which was pretty racy, but everybody knew what they meant.
Merlin: You knew what they meant.
Merlin: You got Richard Dawson.
Merlin: You got Fanny Flagg.
Merlin: You got Brett Summers.
John: Amazing.
Merlin: Amazing.
Merlin: Her and Charles Nelson Reilly would have some times.
Merlin: They would really cut up.
Whew.
John: Brett Summers.
Merlin: I mean, how, where did she come from?
Merlin: What was she doing?
Merlin: Wasn't she married to Oscar Madison?
Merlin: Was she married to Oscar Madison?
Merlin: jack clugman yes clugman so which was the equivalent of um of the uh the taxi marriage yes the taxi cheers marriage yes no i i know don't worry i know what you mean i know what you mean remember the first time louis steps out of that booth and we see his height you know how funny that was it was hilarious first episode he walks out that guy's kind of little he's small
Merlin: He's a small guy.
John: But he's got a big personality.
Merlin: I got another one for you.
Merlin: I'm not going to make this all about lizards, but we learned even before we obtained the lizard that as with all reptiles mostly, don't email me, you can't kiss them.
Merlin: You can't kiss them because of the salmonella.
John: You can kiss a bird, though.
John: I'm living proof.
John: You've seen it.
John: You've seen a man kiss a bird.
John: Don't kiss another man's bird.
John: I was at a house the other day.
John: Two days ago, I was at a house.
John: A house I'd never been to before.
John: It was down in Tacoma.
John: It was a very eclectic house.
John: And included in the eclectic house was a bird.
John: And we all, there at the house, we all talked shit about a cockatiel for a while, as you do when you're talking to somebody about a bird.
John: But this was a parrot bird.
John: And the parrot was making the rounds.
John: It sat on my daughter's arm for a little bit.
John: It was up on its owner.
John: And then when I walked into the room, the bird very definitely noticed me.
John: Now, I know this because I was looking at the bird.
John: Now, no one else at the moment was looking at the bird, so they didn't notice the bird noticed me.
John: And the bird very definitely noticed me and then walked around behind on its owner's sort of shoulder and got around behind their neck where I couldn't see the bird.
John: And I was like, interesting.
John: The bird noticed me and then it hid.
John: And then the bird peeked his little head out.
John: And looked at me and then went back to hiding.
John: And I was like, hmm, interesting.
John: Well, nobody else is monitoring the bird at this point.
John: They're talking about something else.
John: And I'm in the conversation, but I'm watching what's going on with this bird.
John: It's a lady bird.
John: I'm sorry.
John: I used a male pronoun, but it's a lady bird.
John: You misgendered the bird.
John: I did.
John: I did.
John: The bird's name was Susan.
John: The bird named Susan?
John: Yeah, it was a bird named Susan.
John: Anyway, so I'm watching, and then the bird peeks its head out around its owner's head again and looks at me.
John: At which point I said to the room...
John: Um, the bird, uh, noticed me and now it's hiding from me and everyone kind of looked at me and sort of, it just sort of, no one reacted really, or they reacted just like, uh, whatever, you know, they didn't even go, huh.
John: They just didn't acknowledge sort of what I had said.
John: And they went back to talking and there was a little bit more cocktail stuff.
John: And then there was some talk about tiki bars.
John: You know, it was, the conversation was ongoing.
John: The bird does it again.
John: And I'm like, so I kind of move around so it's harder for the bird to get away, right?
John: I'm like, okay, third time's a charm.
John: Now I'm going to look at you.
John: How do you like them apples?
John: And the bird goes around the owner to their back and is like on the back of her shirt to hide from me.
John: I'm like, okay.
John: Susan is avoiding your gaze.
John: Yes, but also taking peeps at me.
John: And which I don't mean to say is peeping, but is peeping, is peeping at me, not, but not peeping at me, not peeping, but peeping.
John: Yeah, the other peep.
John: The other peep.
John: And so then I stopped paying attention to the bird.
John: I'm like, Susan, you're on your own thing.
John: I'm not offended.
John: I understand.
John: I'm the biggest person in the room.
John: This wouldn't be the first time this has happened.
John: Well, you know, and it's just like, I get it, right?
Merlin: Yeah, where you've aroused a woman's morbid curiosity.
John: I'm large.
John: I'm bearded.
John: I come into the room.
John: I take up a lot of space.
John: I've seen animals do this before where they're just like, okay, woo, the scale of everything.
John: Here comes Stephen John.
John: Right.
John: So I stand there.
John: I'm talking to him, talking to him.
John: We continue to talk about tiki bars.
John: We talk about other things.
John: And then all of a sudden, Susan takes flight and lands on my head.
John: Whoa.
John: Just right on top of my head.
John: And everyone is shocked.
John: And the owners say, she's never done that before.
John: Like, what's this about?
John: And I'm like, I don't know.
John: But now she's on my head.
John: Now, I don't know what that means in bird.
John: talk, but I stand there and she is very comfortable on my head.
John: And I'm like, look, I'm fine with this too.
John: If she wants to sit up there, I'm confident she's not going to poop on me.
John: And for the remainder of the conversation, uh, she sat on my head before finally, I think her owner, I mean, not quite as uncomfortable as one would be if the, if your bird was trying to French kiss somebody else.
John: Right.
John: Right.
John: But, uh, finally the owner was like, why don't I get the, you know, just sort of was nervous and
John: Why don't I get the bird down off your head?
John: And I was like, I'm also fine with that.
John: So I don't know.
John: Again, I don't know what it is about me and birds.
Merlin: Could Susan be a fan of the song It'll Be a Breeze?
Merlin: It's possible.
Merlin: You're the one who put that out into the world.
Merlin: It's true.
Merlin: You stipulated that you were a tree and then encouraged the object of the song to build a nest in your hair.
John: It's true.
John: And, you know, the owners actually said she's trying to nest.
John: It probably reminds her of a nest, a big, you know, hunk of hair.
Merlin: Susan thinks you're flora.
John: Could be.
John: Maybe I'm tall enough that I'm a tree.
John: I'm an Ent.
John: She's thinking maybe she's a Lord of the Rings fan.
Merlin: Okay, got it.
John: And she's thinking I'm going to live in an Ent.
John: But I don't think the owners of the bird are aware of me as a musical artist.
John: So I doubt it.
John: unless susan's like picking up songs on on passing like car like on pandora or something yeah right tuned when no one else is there because they said they know she talks but she's never talked with them and she's a recent adoption i think she's sort of like your lizard but she's never talked with them that'd be a good line for a song right there let me write it down it's a freebie you can have that one thank you write that down
John: This is very quizzical, John.
Merlin: I'm always interested when I had a similar thing, and I want to get back to Salmonella because I have an anecdote, but I met a dog this weekend, and I don't want to toot my own horn, but I think I have tremendous dog energy.
Merlin: There's something about me.
Merlin: I think a dog sees me and the way that I carry myself, and that dog knows this is a person who loves dogs.
Merlin: Are you saying you're a dog whisperer?
Merlin: I don't know if I'm a, I'm very, I don't know what, I could be a whisperer, but maybe it's my approach, maybe it's the way that I can kind of let them come to me a little bit, but they can tell I've got tremendous dog energy.
Merlin: And in this case, I had a similar kind of experience to yours, which is, they said matzah usually, well, matzah does not like matzah, M-A-T-Z-A-H.
Merlin: Matzah doesn't like men.
Merlin: And I said, well, neither do I. And they said, yeah.
Merlin: And so, but Matzah came right up and put a little paws on my leg.
Merlin: And Matzah never does that.
John: She was like in men, you being in men.
John: I'm a man, that's for sure.
Merlin: How, how, how?
Merlin: How?
Merlin: Canceled show.
Merlin: So anyway, and so you're in a strange situation, because now you've got a bird on the head, two in the bush, and they're going to remove Susan from the ersatz tree.
John: Well, see, I also, people say all the time, oh, this or that animal doesn't like men, and then it turns out that they like me.
John: I don't know why that should be.
John: You know, I've told you this story about the gorilla, that the gorilla at the zoo is
John: I told you the story about the gorilla.
John: The gorilla who was sitting there in its enclosure and just ignoring everyone.
John: Just couldn't, you know, a bunch of people in there, they're all like, oh, the gorilla.
John: And the gorilla just could not be bothered.
John: You know, kind of looking over its shoulder at them.
Merlin: They get that all day, John.
Merlin: They got people trying to attract them all day long.
Merlin: I mean, you would have to be a pretty interesting find for the gorilla to get worked up.
John: Well, and so this is what, so I walk into the gorilla, uh, the enclosure, which has glass, the gorilla can see the other humans and the, you know, the grill is just like, couldn't care.
John: And then I walk in and the gorilla immediately is like, say what?
John: And turns around and just eyeballs me.
John: And there are 25 people in this glass, uh, this darkened glass enclosure and they all turn slowly and look at me.
John: And then people in the room are like, he's staring right at you.
John: And I was like, I noticed.
John: And so the gorilla and I just stand there locked, eyes locked.
John: And, uh, you know, and I, and I realized like, Oh, I'm a, I'm a gray beard.
Merlin: Like I look like a, is this like a, is like a silverback?
Merlin: Like a daddy?
John: It's like a big, big, big, big, big, big silver gorilla.
John: And I was like, Oh geez.
John: So I'm not, you know, I'm not behaving aggressively toward this gorilla because I'm not trying to rile him up.
John: He's got, he's got a lot to think about already.
Sure.
John: And then he starts getting very aggressive and starts tearing stuff up.
John: And then he starts – he decides – he breaks eye contact with me and goes just tearing off across the enclosure.
John: And then he gets up on top of like a hump of land and then looks at me from way back there.
John: And then he starts tearing around.
John: And everybody in the place is like, wow, he's really freaking out.
John: And I was like, man, I'll tell you.
John: Uh, I'll tell you what.
John: And then, you know, and he's just, then he comes back and I was like, well, I just got to spare this gorilla, the pain in the ass of me being here and was like, goodbye.
Merlin: You know, you're the only one who can leave in that situation.
John: I'm like, nice, nice meeting you gorilla.
John: And so I left because I was like, this gorilla is agitated.
John: Uh, but, uh, but it was, it was funny that he recognized me as a fellow traveler, uh,
John: who was, you know, the, who he had to, he had to like put it, put in his place.
John: Yes.
John: I was like, yes.
John: Okay.
John: I get it.
John: I get it.
John: Now I've also told you about the time that a, that a giraffe, uh, sneeze.
John: Oh no, it was an elephant, an elephant sneezed in my face.
John: Oh no.
John: Yeah.
John: I had a, I don't think I'd like that.
John: I had a Gatorade, uh, with me, went over to the elephant enclosure and
John: And I had the little – I had the cap of the Gatorade which had the little like if this is popped up, don't drink the Gatorade because it might be full of Tylenol, poison Tylenol or whatever.
John: Remember those little pop-a-top-a-top-a caps?
Merlin: You're talking about like for a sports bottle?
John: Yeah.
John: Well, no, but it was like the old Gatorades that were in a glass bottle that had a –
John: that had a metal cap.
Merlin: Oh, like a little, it creates a ring?
Merlin: Oh, I see what you're saying with the papatapa, yes!
John: The papatapa.
Merlin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, if your applesauce is popped up, you might have a salmonella type situation.
John: Exactly.
John: Okay, yes, yes, yes.
John: And so, I'm standing there at the elephant enclosure, and I've got this cap in my hand, because I'm halfway through a Gatorade, and I go, papa, papa, papa with it, and it makes a little click-click.
John: Like a seal training noise.
John: Like a, well, see, yeah, this is something I didn't know, whether it was, because I, because then all of a sudden,
John: The three elephants that were all the way across the enclosure turn and run.
John: Just gallop right at me, just moving fast.
John: And I'm like, whoa.
John: And all the people around me are like, whoa, because they come so fast that even though you know there's a moat between you, it's very intimidating.
Merlin: A moat's not going to be enough to make me feel good about it.
Merlin: More than one elephant running at me, no thank you.
John: Straight at me.
John: And then they get to the barrier.
John: And they all of them put their trunks as far out as they can.
John: And at this point, their trunks are not that far from my face.
John: And they're waving their trunks, like waving them like like cobras at me.
John: And I'm like, wow.
John: And so I hold up the Gatorade thing and I go click click.
John: And.
John: They're, like, waving their trunks, and then two of them put their trunks down and turn to walk away.
John: And the third one, the biggest one, puts her trunk right in my face and goes... Whoa.
John: And just hoses me with elephant...
John: Like snot or whatever, whatever's inside of an elephant's trunk.
John: She just, just, just spews me with it.
Merlin: And I was like, I don't know.
Merlin: Almost like a really kind of, kind of seems to be kind of a snot rocket because it's an on purpose thing.
John: Yeah, it was on purpose.
John: It was very much just like, whatever you, you know, like, fuck you.
John: Face.
John: For getting us over here for this, for nothing.
True.
John: And I was like, man, I didn't know I was just doing my thing, you know, as a person does doing my thing.
John: Yeah.
John: I didn't realize it was also your thing.
John: You're just trying to enjoy your Gatorade.
John: Yeah, exactly.
John: Well, and making noise, you know, like any red-blooded American, I was making noise because I couldn't stand the demon dogs inside my head.
John: And a little bit of clicky-clack puts you in a better frame of mind.
Merlin: This is why they have CNN in airports.
John: Tell me about your lizard story.
Merlin: Well, just to say everybody wants to kiss the lizard.
Merlin: He's very kissable.
Merlin: I see what you're saying.
Merlin: He's a sweet, precious boy.
Merlin: And so the reason I – now it's not going to make – well, it already didn't make much sense, but now it's super not going to make sense.
Merlin: But talking about Charles Nelson Reilly and the Big Banana.
Merlin: Right?
Merlin: B-A-N-A-N-A.
Merlin: B-A-N-A-N-A.
Merlin: B-A-N-A-N-A.
Merlin: Now, my file card, that's my file card.
Merlin: You know that term, right?
Merlin: That's my file card.
Merlin: My file card for Banana is Charles Nelson Reilly and the Vic Banana commercial.
Merlin: My file card for Salmonella was a PSA in the 1970s featuring Tony Randall and Jack Klugman.
Merlin: Wow.
Merlin: as the titular odd couple.
Merlin: And the Tony Randall character, you remember, he's a real tidy fella.
Merlin: And he comes into their kitchenette there in Manhattan, and there's groceries sitting out.
Merlin: And this upsets him for a variety of reasons.
Merlin: And he says to Oscar, well, you can't leave all this food out or, you know, you can get sick from these foods.
Merlin: He says, yeah, haven't you ever heard of salmonella?
Merlin: And then the Jack Klugman character says, I think he plays third for the Yankees.
Merlin: Ah, see, kapow.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: So that's a thing I can't unremember.
Merlin: so every time you tell a friend don't kiss the lizard don't kiss the lizard you're thinking yes he plays third base for the yankees third base yeah yeah i can't finish without it yeah so that's a nice feeling also um when did i learn the m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-b-i is that just a thing that people say in that rhythm as a kid
John: Yeah, I think so.
John: M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I is just how you learn to spell Mississippi.
John: Is that a trochee?
Merlin: It's probably a meter, a metric foot.
John: Yeah, it's like rhythm, R-H-Y-T-H-M.
John: I don't know that one.
John: Yeah, R-H-Y-T-H-M.
John: It's like if somebody cuts you off in traffic and you think...
John: If this person does one more thing, I'm going to remember their license plate.
John: Oh, oh, I see what you're saying.
Merlin: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
John: And then it's just like, you know, it's like five, four, six, five, five, four, eight.
John: You just remember it just becomes a monomic.
John: So you I I noticed the other day it's not a monomic if it's just numbers.
John: But I remember the other day I started saying people's license plates out loud as I was driving.
John: I like to practice.
John: And they all kind of bounce along.
John: B.R.A.
John: 7421, you know, just like they just have like telephone number cadence.
John: And I was having a great time.
John: I was just I was bouncing along.
John: I was I was I was reading people's license plates.
John: Pretty soon I tried to keep three license plates in my mind at a time.
John: Couldn't do it.
John: That's tough.
John: That is tough.
John: Yeah, it was tough.
John: I could do two, but I couldn't.
John: But three was just like, no, I can't do it now.
John: I think that's probably a skill set that.
John: Other people have.
John: We'll probably get some letters from people that are like, I can do seven.
Merlin: One time on the podcast I used to do with him, Adam Lissigore was talking about paradiddles, polyrhythms, something, because he used to be a drummer.
Merlin: And he would play it.
Merlin: He played it and said, and the way you remember it, he'd say, pass the goddamn butter.
Merlin: Pass the goddamn butter.
Merlin: Pass the goddamn butter.
Merlin: I did not know Adam Lizagor was a drummer.
Merlin: Doesn't it just make him seem more sensual?
John: It does.
Merlin: I mean, not even necessarily, I'm not picturing him playing the drums, but just knowing that he could play the drums any time.
John: He's very sensual already.
John: So sensual, yes.
Merlin: He's like, I don't know, man.
Merlin: He's like a big glass of burgundy.
John: He's a huggy bear.
Merlin: I told you my 11020 exposure story.
Merlin: I know I told you that.
John: I'm not sure.
John: I'm not sure about 11020.
Merlin: Well, one time my mom said, I want you to go get filmed for the camera.
Merlin: Because again, as a youth, now, the youth that I know would never get out of the car, go into the Eckert drugs and buy things on their own.
Merlin: Let alone let that be cigarettes.
Merlin: I told you this story.
Oh.
John: What, not even a carton of milk?
John: Stick of butter.
Merlin: Stick of goddamn butter.
John: A loaf of bread, a carton of milk, a stick of bread, and a stick of butter?
Merlin: But in that parking lot, she said, I said, well, what am I supposed to get?
Merlin: She says, well, you go in, you want to get 110-20 exposure.
Merlin: 110-20 exposure.
Merlin: 110 film with 20 photos on the roll.
Merlin: 110-20 exposure.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: So she said, well, you got to go in, you get Kodak 110-20 exposure.
Merlin: And so I said, 110-20 exposure.
Merlin: 110-20 exposure.
Merlin: 110-20 exposure.
Merlin: And so that was, what, probably 1980, maybe?
Merlin: And that was probably like four minutes in 1980.
Merlin: And I still feel that rhythm in my bones of 110-20 exposure.
John: Because you said it so many times.
Merlin: I said it over and over up to the point money was exchanged for film.
Merlin: 110-20 exposure.
Merlin: 110-20 exposure.
John: Yeah, yeah.
John: See, now that's a thing.
John: Kids today have no idea about it, am I right?
John: These kids today don't even know how to send a telex.
Merlin: 110-20 exposure.
Merlin: Oh, now they just, oh, they're always on the phone.
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John: I have never met a person our age that if I say 220, they don't say 221, whatever it takes.
John: Whatever it takes.
John: Yeah, absolutely.
John: Now, was that movie so... Was it just... None of us missed it?
John: Everybody saw it and everybody pulled that line?
Merlin: I mean... I think there's a variety of reasons.
Merlin: I think, yes, you're right.
Merlin: But there were fewer things to see.
Merlin: And if you had cable, there were the same things on all the time.
Merlin: I saw Mr. Mom...
Merlin: and that wonderful scene with michael keaton and martin mull i've seen it so many times and you imprint on that because it's a funny scene he's feeling uh because he's now the stay-at-home mom ha ha ha imagine that lol is he married to terry gar uh terry gar the great terry gar shit dog we we started watching young frankenstein the other night oh my god call the cops terry gar i know i'm the terry fucking gar i'm the same way
John: I'm the same way.
Merlin: Terry Gar in Young Frankenstein.
Merlin: And Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles.
Merlin: I can't get it out.
Merlin: I don't know if I want it out, but it won't go out.
John: What would you do if it did get out?
Merlin: How would you say the things that you need to say?
Merlin: So Martin Mull says to him, he's trying to present.
Merlin: He's doing his own Michael Keaton's.
Merlin: He's doing his own version of Silverback.
Merlin: He's got his toolbox on.
Merlin: Yeah, he's got a big belt on, and he's talking about how he's going to rewire the house.
Merlin: And Martin Mull, you know, you get a little older, you realize it is kind of a silly question.
Merlin: He says, is he going to wire it for 220?
John: Yeah, sure.
John: What does that even mean?
Merlin: Well, like, why would you want your house to be 220 unless you have 60 dryers?
John: Yeah, you're going to put a dryer in there?
John: You're going to put, like, 15 base jobs?
John: No, of course not.
John: He's not going to do that.
Merlin: He says, is he going to wire it for 220?
Merlin: And he says, 220, 221, whatever it takes.
John: And Martin Mull, the despicable Martin Mull, has a look go across his face that indicates that he's not fooled by Michael Keaton's macho handyman act.
John: Yeah, right.
John: Did I ever tell you the story of a friend of mine?
Merlin: Is that a different movie than when he works for the Japanese car people?
Merlin: That's a different movie, right?
John: That's a different... That's called... That was called... It's called Racist 80s.
John: That was Underska, Underska, RCA Beatsoni.
Merlin: Oh, Burns for Crofton House.
Right.
John: Okay, so go ahead.
John: But my friend Jim was a construction worker when we were in high school.
John: He worked downtown on a building.
John: This was during the summer.
John: Yeah.
John: And he would come over to my other friend Kevin's house every day after work.
John: And and, you know, and they would like it.
John: Kevin would answer the door and they would then I don't know what they would begin their afternoon together.
John: And one day Kevin and I were talking and he said every day Jim shows up at my door wearing his hard hat and tool belt, having just gotten off off work.
John: And it was only after about a month of this that I realized that you can't drive a car wearing a hard hat and a tool belt.
John: Whoa.
John: You have to get out and put on your hard hat and tool belt just for the performance of coming up to my door.
John: And it was so very much in keeping with Jim and Jim's whole thing that we were like, whoa, right.
Merlin: at jim putting on his hard hat and tool belt it's like a lady it's like us not understanding why ladies uh complain about not having pockets and having to dress and wear high heels it's like there's a lot of effort that goes into like what they have to do and in that case he's basically putting on high heels to meet you at the door yes exactly those are hard to drive in you know what i'm saying well you can't drive in a high heel i've said that my whole life yeah you always said that
John: You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Reach.
John: No, no, no, no, no.
Merlin: I hate my brain and so do you.
John: Tomorrow, Bernadette Peters.
John: You know, I almost made a pizza and a cup reference at the very beginning of the show.
John: I almost made a Wally reference.
John: I said, don't make a pizza and a cup reference.
John: Is that the jerk?
John: Yeah.
John: Just let it ride.
John: Just go.
John: Just let it ride.
John: But then when you started talking about Madeline Kahn, my mind immediately went to Bernadette Peters.
John: Oh, man.
John: Because when I think about a young Terry Garr and a young Bernadette Peters, it's like, well, it's been one of those desert island sort of, you know, whatever, puzzles.
John: It's a trolley problem.
Yeah.
John: What?
John: If your trolley, if you're a trolley, if you know what I'm saying, is coming off the track.
John: Oh, I see.
John: I'm talking about pulling a train.
John: One side is Brennan Peters and the other is Terry Garth.
John: Who are you going to save?
John: Ghostbusters.
John: Okay.
John: All right.
John: Okay.
John: But I was going to just do a little derail.
John: Okay.
John: Yeah.
John: Because it just popped into my head.
John: that tomorrow I close on my new house.
John: Bernadette Peters?
John: No, no, no.
John: This is a completely separate conversation.
Merlin: Are we done talking about cute girls?
Merlin: uh well i got a little crush i think i got a little crush on a lady from star trek yesterday like a new star trek no no no no first season my kids my kids obsessed with star trek so first season of which show there's so many us uh yeah i know it's the one where it's the one with the body switchers and it's that lady who was later in born free and then she was later in uh star trek uh uh new generation
John: What's her name?
Merlin: Maria Moldauer?
Merlin: No, what's her name?
Merlin: I'll find it.
Merlin: You're talking about a thing that I don't know about.
Merlin: I'll send you a photo of this lady.
Merlin: You're going to know who I mean.
John: It's just like, oh, I've got all these figurines of Wilberforce.
Merlin: She's not quite...
Merlin: In my pantheon.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Pantheon.
Merlin: She's not quite playing at the level of a Terry Garr, but she can rock that little red mini dress thing.
John: Oh, you're talking about the original Star Trek?
Merlin: T-O-S.
John: The original series.
John: Are you somebody that calls the dumb Star Wars' one, two, and three?
John: I do a lot of things.
John: Well, I don't, you know.
John: I'm going to find a picture.
Merlin: So, you know, hey, John, can I ask you a question?
Merlin: How are things going with your house stuff?
John: Oh, it's fine.
John: Okay.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Well, so wait, so you got through all of this year and you're here.
Merlin: We're up to the point now where you've made an offer.
Merlin: Last we checked in on this particular program, you had made an offer.
Merlin: Fingers crossed.
Merlin: We'll see how it goes.
Merlin: And so you got closing tomorrow?
John: Mm-hmm.
Merlin: You must be so happy.
Merlin: I mean, apart from all the money and stuff.
John: Yeah, the money and stuff.
John: Tell me about it.
John: Talk more about the new house.
John: Oh, no, it's fine.
John: It just popped into my head.
John: I want to hear about it, but here's the thing.
Merlin: You don't talk to a man about Bernadette Peters and then move to going to a bank.
Mm-hmm.
John: You know, I do.
John: I do.
Merlin: Tell me.
Merlin: So which house is this is not this is the one with the with the actually we talked about this, I think, after the show.
Merlin: But this is the one on an acre.
Merlin: Uh, yeah.
Merlin: Oh, my God.
Merlin: That's so freaking cool.
Merlin: Talk about it.
Merlin: Tell me about this house.
Merlin: I told, and I told you, my grandparents lived on exactly one acre of land, as was the style at the time, and it was the greatest place.
Merlin: As I said, I'm just repeating everything you and I said off air, but, like, it was so great because you could be just a little bit out of eye view.
Merlin: You could be, and didn't you see there's a creek nearby or something?
John: Is this in Ohio, your grandparents' house?
John: Yeah, yeah, Cincinnati.
John: Yeah, yeah, they, uh,
John: That's the wonderful thing about Cincinnati is that you can – this is one of the reasons I wanted – when we were on tour, we were always making mental notes of all the places that you could buy a house and live in a style nicer, greater than the style that you could live in Seattle for way more money.
John: And Cincinnati always had that – as soon as you're out of –
John: the core 15 blocks of Cincinnati, it feels like you're immediately in a place where everybody's got an acre of land.
John: Yeah.
Merlin: Tons of, tons of suburbs with really different, uh, characters to them.
John: Yeah.
John: And just rolling hills and like beautiful.
John: And it, and it became a, it became a place that I, like anything in Ohio where you felt like, huh, I could for one 10th of what it costs to live in Seattle, have a stone, uh,
John: home that probably played a role
John: in the Underground Railroad or the Civil War in some way.
John: And it would be a home that had some sort of kitchen that actually used to be a pioneer cabin that they just built a home around.
John: And all of it would cost what it costs to register a motorcycle in Washington State.
John: I can't think about it.
John: And then you'd sit and do the math and you're like, I could fly from Cincinnati to anywhere in the country
John: It feels like I could do that in three hours.
John: So in a way, it's no further from Cincinnati to Seattle than it is from Portland to Seattle.
John: Yeah.
John: So I've, and, and it's just, there was a, we went to, we stayed with a guy in Pittsburgh one time after a show.
John: He was like, you guys need a place to crash?
John: Kind of like how I met you.
John: And we were like, yeah, yeah.
John: With Ken Strinkfellow hitting on your wife.
John: Maybe Ken Strinkfellow was with us in fact.
John: Yeah.
John: And, and it, you know, it was one of those things, not very long ago, like three or four months ago, I posted a thing about Dave Bazon where I was like,
John: You know, Dave Bazan, unquestionably the guy that has played the most shows.
John: Maybe they said house shows.
John: Man, that guy works.
John: Because he's relentless, right?
John: He does 250 shows.
Merlin: He's in a van and he's just going places, man.
John: And, you know, not very long, but a few minutes, 10 minutes went by.
John: And then Ken, who I forget...
John: is even aware of me, you know, like Ken is out there in the world and he's, I don't know if you saw, but he was posting from, he was posting from Kazakhstan or something.
John: He was like playing some shows in Kazakhstan.
John: Wow.
John: And, uh, he posted a, he, he replied to my tweet, uh, with two, two words.
John: He said, um, he said like strong disagree or something like that.
John: Or I, you know, something to the, to the effect that he contests that record.
John: And I realized, oh, sure, Ken plays 300 shows a year.
John: And so maybe this guy that we met in Pittsburgh was a guy that was part of the Ken String Fellow larger orbit.
John: That's why we ended up going back.
John: But we went back to his house.
John: And it was, you walked in and there was a staircase that took up what would be a pretty expensive apartment.
John: in seattle i mean the the staircase was a one-bedroom apartment oh god like it went it and it had stained glass like two-story stained glass windows in it up up you go it had a i don't know if it had a ballroom but it was a it was a place that even then even in 2001 would have been a two and a half million dollar house on in seattle and it's just right close to town and that way we were like how much does do you mind us asking like how much
John: Is this house going for here in Pittsburgh?
John: And he was like, $80,000.
John: Why are you doing this to me?
John: I know.
John: You live in San Francisco in a place, in a place, in a city that just keeps getting worse.
Merlin: Sometimes they just turn off the electric because that's a thing now.
John: Oh, this is the thing to prevent forest fires.
John: Well, yes.
John: Only you can prevent forest fires.
John: Yes, only people can prevent wildfires.
John: By having no electricity for how long?
Merlin: Well, I mean, it's a long story, but San Francisco is exempted from this, but nobody else is.
Merlin: And just dozens of counties up to like, you know, pushing a million households, not people, but households.
Merlin: I think last time around it was up to 800,000 and it could happen again starting on Wednesday.
John: This is because why?
Merlin: PG&E, Pacific Gas and Electric, was held responsible for their equipment having started some of the terrible, terrible wildfires last year.
Merlin: And sometimes for things as simple as they just weren't maintaining equipment or trimming near equipment, you know, branches and stuff.
John: Boy, I know what that's like.
John: I don't really trim around my equipment either.
Merlin: Whoa, they call it manscaping.
Merlin: Where's the bell?
Merlin: And so, yeah, hey, we're shutting off the electric sometimes.
Merlin: Have fun.
Merlin: Could be a week, you know.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: It's, it's really, no, no, it's just, you know, I only mentioned that in passing to, to say like, it is, it's pretty wild that, you know, that like 5,000, it's, you know, $5,000 plus a month for like a, like a, well, depending on your part of town, like for a one bedroom while people are sleeping on the sidewalk in front of Twitter headquarters.
Merlin: Sometimes it's, it's basically like I've said before, it's basically, we're living in a Godspeed, you black emperor song.
Merlin: It's how, how much is $5,000 a month?
John: What's that mean?
John: Well, I don't even know anymore.
John: You know what I mean?
John: Well, I mean, it's a lot.
Merlin: Things are a lot here.
Merlin: It's just basically our local terrible newspaper site.
Merlin: It'll just be like every, almost every day, there's some article about what you can get for this amount of money right now, and it's
Merlin: You know, it is on strictly by numbers.
Merlin: It's gotten, I think, slightly less bad, but somebody's market's always getting squeezed.
Merlin: San Francisco is anomalous in so many ways, not least that it is so close.
Merlin: Well, I mean, so recently it's been close to Silicon Valley, but now there's a lot of companies that are based here.
Merlin: you know, and those people, you know, they got a lot of dough, they cash out.
Merlin: There's never, I mean, especially for highly prized, for a place where living on the beach is actually one of the cheapest places to live.
Merlin: It's upside down city.
Merlin: It's hot when it's cold.
Merlin: It's cold when it's hot, you know, and on top of it all, it's like, you know, it's like they say in England, public is private, up is down.
Merlin: But yeah, no, there's no, there's, it is economically anomalous in so many ways, historically.
Merlin: This is the place where we invented, in the 1840s, we invented the $5 gallon of milk.
John: Because of the prospector days?
Merlin: Yeah, the gold rush days.
Merlin: The only people who make money are people who sell pans and lawyers.
Merlin: But anyhow, it's just really depressing.
John: I remember, and you surely do, when $5,000...
John: was, I think, more than one-third my yearly income.
John: Oh, gosh, yes.
John: Do you remember?
John: Oh, yes, yes, yes.
John: When I joined Harvey Danger, they paid me $20,000 that year because I kept all my per diem.
Merlin: Yeah, this is how you were able to get your first house, right?
John: Yeah.
John: Well, no, no, no, not my first house.
John: Oh, no, it was car money, car commercial money, right?
Yeah.
John: No, no, no.
Merlin: Oh, the car commercial money was how I- I'm sorry, I'm concatenating your stories from different podcasts.
Merlin: In telling the story of trying to find a house, you had a real dark night of the soul the last few months trying to deal with this house stuff, and one of your anecdotes was that you were making something like $250 a month at a job or something like that.
John: $900.
John: $900 was the amount, and my rent was $350 a month.
John: Yeah.
John: And, uh, and so Harvey Danger paid me $20,000 when I was in that band and it was by far the largest amount of money I'd ever made or ever imagined making 20 grand, which is one, you're saying one fourth.
John: It's hard to say.
Merlin: I mean, I think about like when I moved from Sarasota to Tallahassee for a job, I mean, it's easy to take the mickey out of this, but it was a huge deal.
Merlin: I got a job making $22,000 a year, which was just a ridiculously large amount of money.
Merlin: My rent, I think at that time, I had a housemate, and I think my rent was $250 a month at its highest before I left Tallahassee.
Merlin: um my lady friend and i i think our rent was 600 a month for a three-bedroom house um but again now no no no this is this is i mean if you go look at inflation i mean there's there's nothing unsensible about this inflation's a dick but you know but i'm just saying like in 1991 1991 22 grand a year 250 a month in rent i think my car payment was like maybe similar to that like 250 a month something like that
John: The first time I paid $350 a month rent, everybody I knew was like, whoa, big spender.
John: Yeah, for sure.
Merlin: I mean, here's the thing.
Merlin: That's a lot to commit to.
Merlin: Anybody can have a good month or two, but that's a lot to commit to for a year.
John: Yeah, you're assuming that you're going to keep a job.
Merlin: Yes, exactly.
John: Did I know that you lived in Sarasota?
John: That's where I went to college.
Merlin: So I lived there from 1986 to 1991.
John: Those were great years.
John: I didn't realize it at the time.
John: Yeah.
John: You know, I thought that they were shitty years.
Merlin: Great years, like, as a culture?
John: Well, can I say that?
Merlin: Well, I don't know.
Merlin: I mean, because, like, it's weird for me, because there's a bunch of stuff that I have, whereas I used to feel very plugged in to news and pop culture, and I could tell you the entire TV schedule every year from 1975 to 1986.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: But then I went to college and I didn't have a TV for a while.
Merlin: And I got so like I, for example, like I'm sitting here trying to find this episode of Star Trek we watched the other day yesterday.
Merlin: But I totally missed Next Generation, for example, as a phenomenon.
Merlin: No, no, you were in college.
Merlin: Well, but I mean, the only appointment TV that I had my first year of college.
Merlin: was the Saturday morning duo of Pee Wee's Playhouse and Mighty Mouse.
John: What were you doing?
John: Because college was the – I didn't watch TV in the 80s very much because MTV and CNN both came on.
John: And so all I watched was – when I say I didn't watch TV, I mean I didn't watch anything but MTV, CNN, and Benny Hill.
Merlin: Yeah, where you'd kind of gotten past the whole, like, let's sit down and watch an episode of TV or a movie.
John: And I felt like the TV shows were not very good, that people... Like, I didn't want to watch Miami Vice.
John: I didn't want to watch... Silver Spoons.
John: I didn't want to watch Silver Spoons.
John: I didn't want to watch Knight Rider.
John: And I don't remember all those shows.
John: There are a lot of shows that I just don't remember at all.
John: Family... Oh, no, I remember Family Ties, but...
John: Uh, Full House.
John: Like, when did that come on the air?
John: Oh, yeah.
Merlin: I mean, you're getting into that period of, like, uh, the Urkel show.
Merlin: And, like, it's that period, I feel like, where, like, by the time I got out of college then, I was very, I had a VCR.
Merlin: And I was taping Seinfeld and The Simpsons.
Merlin: And re-watching my VHS tapes of that.
Merlin: I was taping Mr. Show and watching that over and over.
Merlin: Mr. Show is one of the things that we bonded over.
Merlin: From the beginning, that and The Office, the British Office, I feel like those are the two things.
John: Well, you introduced us to The Office.
John: We had never seen it before.
John: You introduced the Longwinners to the office, and it became a thing that basically drove us for a year.
Merlin: Yeah, it's really special.
Merlin: So I'm not sure where we're going with this.
Merlin: Yes, it's very costly in a lot of places.
Merlin: It's really wild.
Merlin: Yeah, it makes a person wonder about the future.
Merlin: Kids today.
Merlin: They can't afford anything.
Merlin: Well, yeah, and just the fact that I thought my prospects were bad graduating from college.
Merlin: Because we had just come out of the big 87 recession occurred, I think, whenever that was my first or second year of college.
Merlin: You know, the stock market crash.
John: My mom lost a lot of money in that 87 crash.
Merlin: It was big.
Merlin: One reason I remember why it happened around that time, because again, I was not paying a ton of attention to stuff on news and TV.
Merlin: I mean, you know, I remember getting every student at school got a letter in their mailbox from the head of the college's foundation saying,
Merlin: I remember, I remember, the reason I remember, first of all, I remember getting this letter and I remember that he used the word impact as a verb, which I found personally offensive.
Merlin: But he said something about how the recent fluctuations in the stock market would not impact the foundation given their investment strategy.
Merlin: So that's the reason I remember Black Friday or whatever it was being then.
John: The only reason I remember 1986
John: Well, the fall of 86 was when Peter Gabriel So came out.
John: Yeah.
John: And that resonated throughout the culture so strongly.
John: It was Peter Gabriel So and that Jon Bon Jovi record where, or the Bon Jovi record, not Jon Bon Jovi.
Merlin: Yeah, the summer, I remember summer of between 86 and 87, I feel like is when Cowboy on a Steel Horse came out.
John: Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
John: Cowboy on a Steel Horse and then...
John: Sledgehammer.
Merlin: Yeah, yeah.
Merlin: Also, that was around the time of the big U2 record.
Merlin: That was like a world beater at the time.
Merlin: Unforgettable Fire.
Merlin: No, the next one, the one with the hats.
John: The one with the hats was called... I love that this is killing John Syracuse.
John: I love that this is killing him right now.
John: I don't remember it.
John: No, no, I know the one with the hats.
John: It was the one where they had the gospel music.
John: It was the one... You're thinking of Rattle and Hum.
Merlin: I'm talking about the one before that.
John: What's it called?
John: It's called the Hat Album.
John: Unforgivable Fire.
Merlin: The Unforgivable Fire.
Merlin: Please stop.
Merlin: Please stop.
Merlin: Just leave him hanging.
John: Please.