Ep. 372: "You Never Know"
Merlin: Whoa, I can hear you now.
Merlin: All right.
Merlin: All right.
Merlin: Hang on.
John: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Merlin: Okay, I figured it out.
Merlin: I figured it out.
Merlin: What was it?
Merlin: It was my guitar DAW was selected, not my mic DAW.
John: Oh, you're Dakar DAW.
John: Dakar.
John: Oh, my God.
Merlin: Oh, good.
Merlin: Sure.
Merlin: Sure.
Merlin: Good.
Merlin: I realized something today.
Merlin: Oh, tell me all about it.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: I don't think it's going to be useful, but we never promised a rose garden.
Merlin: You never know, too.
Merlin: You also never know.
Merlin: What's in the show is in the show, except when it's not in the show.
Merlin: You never know is another one.
Merlin: You never know what's in the show that's in the show.
Merlin: Okay, hang on.
Merlin: I got to write these down.
Merlin: You never know.
Merlin: You never know.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: You never know.
Merlin: I've realized, and this is not on you.
Merlin: This is not on anybody.
Merlin: This is just a thing.
Merlin: Sure.
Merlin: Go on.
Merlin: I'm over here looking at me.
Merlin: I'm making little pincer fingers because I'm grabbing things out of the ether to just share with you, okay?
Merlin: Look at me.
Merlin: Look at me.
Merlin: I'm over here grabbing things out of the ether.
Merlin: Apropos of nothing.
Merlin: You never know.
Merlin: I realize that I get up in the morning.
Merlin: I get up.
Merlin: You got it tough.
Merlin: I see the toughest around.
Merlin: And I know, baby.
Merlin: Baby, just how you feel.
Merlin: You got to roll out with the punches.
Merlin: That's a little out of my range.
Merlin: I'm over here plucking from the ether.
Merlin: Sure.
Merlin: What I've realized is that.
Merlin: This guy over here is like, no soup.
Merlin: What I've realized is that I get up.
Merlin: In the morning.
Merlin: And nothing gets me down.
Merlin: And then I'm awake for like two or three hours.
Merlin: And I think by the time we record at sometime after 10 a.m., I get another round of morning sleepies a little bit.
Merlin: And it's not you.
Merlin: It's apropos of nothing.
John: I don't think that's evident from the show.
John: What?
John: Oh.
John: I think you come swinging into this show half the time.
John: Oh, is that right?
John: Just on fire.
Merlin: He's saying I'm throwing some big lumber around down here.
Merlin: Get out of my way.
Merlin: 400 cubic inches, small block motor with the edel prop props.
Merlin: Yep, yep, yep.
John: yeah yep or it out to 40409 mentions the glory and suicide machines so i think you're feeling you're feeling like you're uh you're not on full high test gas and and i'm sitting over here yep going like talking slow you know halfway through a thought type of thing yep yep yep yep
John: Wow.
John: Hot for teacher.
John: We've talked a lot about what it would be like if we recorded deep in the afternoon how I would be more awake and alive.
John: You'd be outpacing me for sure.
John: No, no, but you're saying how many second wins do you get in a day?
John: How many times do you go up and go down and go up and go down?
John: How many times?
Merlin: Assuming that I'm going to roll with the punches and get to what's real?
Merlin: Yep.
Merlin: Okay, okay.
I...
Merlin: It varies because I'm always trying to strike a certain balance in my intakes and my stimulations and my various ebullients and unguents that I would apply existentially vis-a-vis.
Merlin: Do I want lots of energy or do I want to not be a nervous wreck?
Merlin: So, for example, something I kind of backed into, beep, beep, beep, is that I don't really drink AM coffee at my house.
Merlin: I drink my AM coffee when I have arrived at my office.
John: Is that an enticement to get to the office?
John: No.
John: No.
John: So when you wake up in the morning, do you have energy already?
John: No.
Merlin: What I have is an antidepressant pill that makes me vomit if I take it on an empty stomach.
Merlin: So I have to achieve a certain balance.
Merlin: And part of that balance is I get up and I make water.
Merlin: And I usually see if anybody's mad at me on Twitter.
Merlin: And then I take an anti-nausea.
Merlin: thing.
Merlin: It's like a sweet tart.
Merlin: It just falls apart in your mouth.
Merlin: And then about half an hour later, I can take my very effective antidepressant and that way I won't get sick.
Merlin: But see, now at this point, why am I telling you this?
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: You never know.
Merlin: What I'm here to tell you is that I try to achieve a certain balance because if I had my druthers, shit dog, I'd just be taking big old buckets full of stimulants.
Merlin: Kapow!
Merlin: Kapow!
Merlin: Just shit myself all day long.
Merlin: Woohoo!
John: Look at me.
John: unhealthy at a variety of levels, right?
Merlin: Well, yeah, you grind your teeth down and stuff and whatnot.
Merlin: But, you know, it's a certain balance.
Merlin: So now I have to make sure I'm becoming more like my sweet mother, where I really got to think, if I do this, will that affect that?
Merlin: I got to take my blood thinner, so I can't also do that.
Merlin: And this also gets us to a nominal topic for today, which is the ways in which one must treat life like an obstacle course.
Merlin: It's just the minor going into my face.
Merlin: Where I used to put Van Halen.
Merlin: Yes, right.
Merlin: But.
Merlin: Right, yes.
Merlin: But I get to the office and then I have this.
Merlin: I have.
Merlin: I make this coffee here.
John: Right, right, right, right.
John: And then that.
John: And you have to.
John: You put that into the machine.
John: You put it into the machine.
John: The Merlin machine.
John: Now, what would happen if the antidepressant – does the antidepressant give you a little speed?
Merlin: It's not supposed to, but I think it does because CF, my original idea or my tertiary idea – I've gone through a lot of ideas in trying to get right.
Merlin: One of my ideas was, ha, what if I start taking this at a time I'm less oopsie-doopsie in the tummy?
Merlin: What if I start taking this at like two, three, four?
Yeah.
Merlin: two three or four right you're talking about the meta the meta the medicaments that i would apply orally now that makes sense on the face of it but here's the thing i feel like it disrupts my sleep i can't prove it it would be a very it would be very low on the list of side effects but i believe it and that's what counts
John: So you're trying to find a time to take the medicament where it is effective throughout the day without – but if you go too far, you want to go right up to the price without going over.
Merlin: 100%.
Merlin: And then the guy falls off the mountain.
Merlin: Do you remember that?
John: So how long does the antidepressant stuff stay in your blood?
John: That's a very good question.
Merlin: And this adds to the puzzle of these obstacle course, because here's the thing.
Merlin: It takes a long time to build up.
Merlin: So you want to get to some kind of kapow, a tactos.
Merlin: So you keep taking it and taking it.
Merlin: And most people are real sick with either nausea or actually, according to Hoyle, vomiting, because it'll do that.
Merlin: Yeah, yeah.
Merlin: But it also makes me not be depressed.
John: Sure.
John: But I mean, what if you took it every night right before you went to that?
Merlin: I've considered that because I don't think that would make me barf.
Merlin: I have barfed on rising sometimes.
Merlin: Here's the thing.
Merlin: What I want to get good across to you is a couple things because it's always two things with me.
Merlin: One thing is I am open to solutions, right?
Merlin: And I will try in life, as in podcasts, I will try different things, like a uniform of the day or a sports jacket I would put on, like a thought technology.
Merlin: I will try and seek out new things.
Merlin: I know that about you.
Merlin: Thank you.
Merlin: And with that said, still, you know, you see me standing here by the record machine, right?
Merlin: Yeah, I do.
Merlin: Every day I see you standing.
Merlin: I knew I must have been about 17.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: How could I dance with another?
Merlin: Jump, jump, jump.
Merlin: Give or take.
Merlin: And so what I want, the second thing is, I have tried other things and I know to be wary because I'm not a young man anymore.
John: I can't have a bucket.
Merlin: I can't have a bucket of anything anymore.
Merlin: You know what I'm saying?
John: Sure, no.
John: What about a bucket of clams?
John: Love clams.
John: When you actually process a bucket of clams down to just the clam, it's not actually a bucket.
Merlin: I made crab last night and had a similar thought.
Merlin: Yeah, right.
Merlin: It's a lot of exoskeleton, a lot of crab chitin left behind.
John: You could eat a lot of crab.
Merlin: I could eat the shit.
Merlin: It's like sushi.
Merlin: There is no upper limit.
Merlin: I will keep eating this until I die.
John: If you look at 14 crabs in a pail, you're like, that's a shitload of crab.
John: But if you put that much crab on top of some carbonara or whatever, that's not that much crab.
Merlin: Oh, come on.
Merlin: That's not that much crab.
Merlin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merlin: You put some newspaper on the table and you bring out your bespoke mallets.
John: Sure, I guess if you're from Baltimore.
John: But what I'm talking about is us West Coasters where the crabs are as big as cats.
Merlin: I love a cat crab.
John: Yeah, they're as big as cats if cats were spiders.
Merlin: I popped for some nice crab last night.
Merlin: My daughter does not like it.
Merlin: She doesn't like the smell.
Merlin: She doesn't eat it, of course.
Merlin: There's a lot of times where I just make a meal for myself because my family's monsters and the way they eat is ridiculous.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: So I will do preemptive, and I want to throw it back to you in a minute because I feel like you're going to have a lot to share.
Merlin: That'll help me.
Merlin: Yeah, sure.
Merlin: You know, my daughter introduced me to those.
Merlin: You seen those Japanese big crabs?
Merlin: What are they called?
Merlin: Big crab?
Merlin: I think they're called big crabs.
John: Big crabs.
John: Have you seen big crabs?
John: On YouTube?
John: Because if that's it, no.
Merlin: No, no, no.
Merlin: Okay, big crabs.
John: You're not talking about king crabs.
Merlin: No, no, that's what I ate last night.
Merlin: Japanese spider crab.
Merlin: Oh, yeah.
Merlin: Or what I call big crabs.
Merlin: You ever seen one of those?
Merlin: It auto-corrected to big crap here on my computer.
Merlin: You don't want that?
Merlin: Remember when Hustler used to do that?
Merlin: When Hustler used to show photos of people's poops?
Merlin: You could send a picture of a poop you took.
Merlin: Remember that?
John: Hustler, boy, they really were.
John: They pushed the envelope.
John: Yeah, they pushed a lot of things.
John: Okay, so big crab.
John: I'm looking at big crab.
John: Look at the Japanese spider crab.
John: Look at those legs.
John: Oh, muscle.
John: You're not talking about muscle crab.
John: You're talking about long legs.
John: Japanese spider crab.
John: It's like a daddy long legs.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah.
John: Yeah.
John: It's a lot of meat in those legs.
Merlin: Well, I mean, it looks like crab stilts.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: So anyway, that's my thought.
Merlin: My thought on that is that I don't know how this started.
Merlin: I think we had a recording mix up at the beginning.
Merlin: But the fact of the matter is I've got to strike a certain balance.
John: I understand that.
John: And, you know, I am not somebody that can reliably do the same thing every day at the same time.
John: So I got in the habit after a long time of trying to take my medicine in the morning.
John: I got in the habit of taking it either in the morning or in the afternoon and realizing that a lot of the medicine remains in your blood for a while so that when I woke up in the morning.
Merlin: With this stuff, I could miss a couple, three days.
Merlin: That'd still be fine.
Merlin: I miss a day.
Merlin: I miss a day or two here.
Merlin: But if you're missing it because it gives you the oopsie-doopsies in your tummy, then now pretty soon it's out of your body and, you know.
Merlin: Oh, you don't want that.
Merlin: You're listening to ministry again.
John: Yeah.
John: So I'm moving it around all the time.
John: Sounds like you are too.
John: Moving it around.
John: Trying to figure out what the optimal time of day.
John: Seeking how much coffee.
John: Like I've started the last little bit of a while.
John: I have become someone who...
John: gets a quad Americano as the baseline.
John: Is that four espresso shots?
John: That's four espressos.
John: That used to be what I did when I only had four hours of sleep or when I really needed to get on the train.
John: You're telling me that's your new normal?
John: New normal is... Actually, new normal is... This is going to sound crazy.
John: New normal is a cup of microwaved three-day-old coffee to start the day.
John: Ugh.
John: And then a quad Americano.
John: What?
John: To set that original cup of coffee up straight and...
John: And get that snow piercer rolling, right?
John: And once it's rolling, you don't want to stop it.
Merlin: Yeah, yeah.
Merlin: If you want to get that kid out, you're going to have to stop the fan blade.
John: But the problem with that is that's the new normal.
John: That's a lot of coffee.
John: It's way too normal.
John: Okay.
John: It affects everything.
John: It affects everything.
Merlin: It doesn't make you cross and difficult to deal with.
John: am i asking the wrong person if you look around the poker table and you can't see who the who the sucker is so i'm the problem so i see oh my god everything makes so much more sense now i'm the problem who knows who knows no let's not dig too deeply into that although on that on that note
John: uh referencing back to something that you said a minute ago yeah i deleted twitter off my phone last night oh woof because it is just it's bad i don't belong on there no it's not for you it's not it's not that it's bad which it is it is i don't belong there anymore i just don't belong there
John: And so I tried, I put in, I'd never used like mute keywords before.
John: Uh-huh.
John: But I put in three keywords into mute that I thought was going to solve my problem.
John: Yeah.
John: Look, if I never just, I never see another tweet that has any one of these three words.
John: It's not like 13 words.
Merlin: Okay, but you're not going to tell me what they are, right?
John: No, because as soon as I look.
Merlin: Don't tell me exactly, exactly.
Merlin: It's like learning the wizard's true name and then you get his powers.
John: Right.
John: It's like saying Fnord, right?
John: Nobody can hear it.
John: Oh, all you know, we need more slack, but not the tiny slack.
John: That's exactly right.
John: And I was going to send a tweet out that was like, I just muted three words.
John: Guess what they are?
John: And all the tweets would be muted.
Merlin: Oh, I see.
John: Because they would try and say that.
Merlin: All the correct replies.
Merlin: You're doing some penetration testing.
Merlin: I get it.
Merlin: It's sort of like walking into a bathroom saying, hey, you know what I hate is people peeing on me.
Merlin: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Merlin: Hope nobody pees on me.
Merlin: It's a little bit of a wide stance issue.
Merlin: Got my back against the record machine.
John: but so but i did that i tried it for like an hour and but i was the problem was it wasn't effective because i was already in like 15 fights with 15 different millennials that were that were upset at me and i was upset and i realized and i went to bed with a knot in my stomach and i was like this is just not worth it it's not worth it i'm and so i i deleted off my phone today i'm going through that thing where i pick up my phone and
John: And I'm looking for a button that isn't there anymore.
John: What am I supposed to do with this?
John: It's like when you're in the hospital and you've got the morphine button.
John: Where'd my bird go?
John: You're pushing the morphine button and it's not working?
John: Or it doesn't feel like it's working?
Merlin: Or you think you're pushing it, but you're actually utilizing a phantom limb whoopsie doopsie.
John: There was no button.
John: There was no arm.
John: There's never been a button there.
Merlin: And so I look at it and I'm like, no one's been in that iPhone for 50 years, John.
John: What am I supposed to do?
John: So I went over to Instagram and was like, but I can't spend all day there.
John: I can't spend all day there.
Merlin: You should post more large heads.
Merlin: I like that large head.
Merlin: You should post more large.
Merlin: That's a good looking large head.
John: That head is surprisingly large.
John: It's three feet tall.
John: Yesterday, I was driving around with my little child.
John: Mm-hmm.
John: And I said, what are we going to do today?
John: And she said, why don't we go to a museum?
John: And I was like, okay.
John: And she said, what about a museum we've never been to before?
John: And so I was like, let's, let's do that.
John: So I pulled over and we looked at some museums.
John: There's a museum of old-fashioned computer technology, which we've never been to.
John: Oh, wow.
John: That sounds fun.
John: It's very fun.
John: There's a museum.
John: There's like a pinball game museum.
John: I was running down all these Seattle cool kid museums.
John: Mm-hmm.
John: And then she said, what about a war museum?
John: And I was like, war museum?
John: What about a war museum?
John: So I Googled war museum and I discovered that on the West Coast, there is only one army museum.
John: That's just a museum for the army.
John: And it's at Fort Lewis, south of Tacoma.
John: So we drove down there.
John: And it's on the military base.
John: So there were lots of.
Merlin: Oh, it's the Army hosts its own museum.
Merlin: Yep.
Merlin: We had to talk to like.
Merlin: Don't know if I'm loving that.
John: Three or four different master sergeants that had M-16s.
John: Did they get a lot of action at the museum?
John: Well, you know, they have to stand between the museum.
Merlin: Is that considered – John, if you bring a large firearm to protect a museum, is that technically considered being, as they say, in the shit?
John: No.
John: I don't think that you get overseas combat pay for standing in front of a museum with a – and I was surprised that they were –
John: that there were master sergeants doing this job.
John: It seemed like something that a corporal could do, but, but I actually asked them some, uh, some penetrating questions and they had, uh, they were like, um, they were older guys, obviously, because you have to be a little bit older to get those stripes.
John: And, um, and they were very, you know, they, they answered the question quite carefully.
John: quite well.
John: They were a little bit older.
John: They had a little bit gray on the top.
John: Oh, sure.
John: No, I understand.
Merlin: As non-commissioned folks go, that's pretty high up.
Merlin: That's somebody probably in their 40s, maybe.
John: You're doing a good job.
John: You could be a master sergeant in your 30s, I imagine.
John: Sure, sure.
John: Getting on up there.
Merlin: But it's probably a non-college position.
Merlin: Because if you went to college and you were in ROTC, you would go straight to Second Louis, right?
John: Oh, well, you know, there was a guy on the Friendly Fire website.
John: See, I said at one point, you know.
John: You know, the director of the movie Platoon, are you familiar with this movie?
John: Yes, I am.
John: Are you familiar with this director?
John: I believe it's Oliver Stone.
Merlin: He made the JFK movie as well.
Merlin: He made Born on the Fourth of July, which is a lyric from the song Yankee Doodle.
John: Yeah, he's born on the 4th of July.
John: Boom, boom, boom.
John: Ain't the worst that you've seen.
John: He's got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, that guy.
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, macaroni, for sure.
John: So Oliver Stone, you know, he's some Harvard guy.
John: And he dropped out.
John: He served.
John: And he dropped out of Harvard and went and joined as a buck private because he wanted to be in the shit or whatever.
John: And on the Friendly Fire program, I was kind of calling bullshit on that.
John: It felt like a little bit of a...
John: That felt like a Harvard fucking pull your dick out move more than.
Merlin: Oh, I see.
Merlin: So like, it's like, it's like joining the proletariat.
Merlin: Like he has the option of, of joining the army.
John: Okay.
John: Sure.
John: And then there was a guy on our, on our, uh, on one of our, our fan pages.
John: who was like, you know, it's not bullshit.
John: I fucking joined.
John: I was an officer candidate and I joined as a private because I wanted to be a man of the people.
John: He just gave me this whole Oliver Stone line of bullshit.
John: And I was like, I was like, bullshit.
John: You joined the army at the level that you qualified.
John: Don't give me this shit that you joined.
John: You could have been a fucking captain and you joined as a private because you're a fucking man of the people.
John: If you had done that, that's not what you'd be saying now.
John: Asshole?
John: Yes.
John: Anyway, I think that you could definitely have a college degree and be a Master Sergeant.
John: In fact, these days, I imagine that in order to progress that high in the enlisted ranks, you probably are going to have an advanced degree of some kind.
John: Oh, interesting.
Hmm.
John: You know, you're going to get to be first sergeant, and they're going to say, like, would you like to get some advanced education?
John: Oh, I see.
John: Yeah.
John: Anyway, so we go into this museum, and let me tell you what, Merlin, this is a shabby-ass museum.
John: Oh, no.
John: There's not much to protect, it sounds like, or defend, protect or defend.
John: What they had was a lot of guns on display.
Merlin: Boring.
John: They had some... Uniforms, maybe?
John: They had some cool uniforms.
Yeah.
John: But they were on very weird like department store mannequins that had been given faces that kind of looked like they were going, come on!
John: Or like, over the top!
John: That's kind of thirsty.
John: It was a little thirsty.
John: Yeah.
John: And then worst of all, there were interpretive plaques that had items numbered like, number one, the M16.
John: Number two...
John: The 1911 model.
John: And the guns were in the cases, but the guns themselves did not have corresponding little number tags.
John: What?
John: So you had a big display of 15 items.
John: You had a plaque that listed all 15 items by number, but the guns themselves had no...
John: numbers by them.
John: So unless you already knew what you were looking at, the plaques would be meaningless.
Merlin: That seems like an oversight that would have been caught by now.
John: Especially given the number of sergeants that were walking around this place.
Merlin: Well, maybe they already know what all the guns, excuse me, firearms are.
John: That's the problem, right?
John: They already know.
Merlin: Yeah, they already know.
Merlin: They don't need the stickers.
John: No, they don't need to put a little piece of yarn.
Merlin: Well, this feels instructive.
Merlin: This feels very instructive, what you're describing here.
John: what i wanted was no more attempts but what i also wanted was it was all real proud of you mike what i wanted was to to connect with one of the thousands
John: Of librarians and museum scientists that listen to this program.
John: And I know that number's in the thousands.
John: At least people that have a degree in librarianism.
John: I wanted one of those people.
John: Uh-huh.
John: To contact me, also be a service person, and get themselves transferred to a McCord-Fort Lewis joint base.
John: Uh-huh.
Merlin: Oh, so it's really a whole, it's not really so much, it's less of a question than a comment than a life choice that you're suggesting.
John: I'm saying wherever you are right now, you could be put to better use getting transferred to this base and improving the quality of this Fort Lewis Army Interpretive War Museum.
John: Mm-hmm.
Merlin: Would it be just the labels, John, or would it be a larger sort of omnibus approach to improving the museum experience in general?
Merlin: Would you maybe bring in some different sergeants major, or would you maybe change the faces on the mannequin?
Merlin: What is the remit or mandate of the librarian?
John: Let me break it a little bit more down for you.
John: First of all, the...
John: The story that's being told here begins with Lewis and Clark.
John: So they're going all the way back.
John: They have a couple of mannequins, one of them dressed in the costume of the local Native American people.
John: Do they have a Sacagawea?
John: My daughter was furious that there was not a Sacagawea.
John: She was like, where's Sacagawea?
John: And I was like, well, she's in that oil painting there.
John: And she was like, yeah, but why is she not in this diorama?
John: Yeah.
John: I was like, ah.
Merlin: i don't know she could add a lot of curb appeal to the story wasn't she wasn't in the army technically is my guess why they don't have her here oh i see okay yeah see oh she's fine to lead us around elbow room elbow room gotta gotta get us some elbow room but she was a private contractor oh not not a private as in a rank more like a general general havoc or major episode
Merlin: She was from the Blackwater of the time.
John: Oh, I see.
John: Private corporation.
John: Private corporation.
John: But my daughter also was fairly concerned that there were no women anywhere in the museum at all until we got to World War II.
John: And then we started to see some... We saw some nurses.
Merlin: Oh, interesting.
Merlin: Oh, so it's fine if they work while the boys are away, but...
Merlin: When the guys get back, take off your kerchief, Sally.
John: So she was a little bit – she was somewhat mollified by the presence of waves and wax.
John: But it really wasn't until she started to see women in combat fatigues also holding guns that she felt like, all right, all right, all right.
John: Getting closer, getting closer.
John: I see where we are now.
John: And the thing is, she does not appear to have any war –
John: Like she does not want to join the army.
John: She still wants to be a magical princess, but she's very interested in looking at –
John: these items i'm not sure what she's doing well she could be like a wartime princess she could be a bellicose princess a warlike a warlike princess a wartime consigliere yeah exactly yeah big fan of your pictures anyway a lot of things could be improved about this museum they have some half tracks out in the yard that are just rusting into the grass is that tank
John: Half track is half of a tank.
John: Oh, what's the other half?
John: Truck.
John: It's half tank, half truck.
John: Tank truck.
John: That's cool.
John: It's a tank truck or a truck tank.
John: Oh.
John: I think that it's a truck that goes through mud better than a truck.
John: Is it because the weight's distributed?
Merlin: It's because it has part tank.
Merlin: Part tank.
Merlin: I was trying to talk to my daughter out of becoming a person who rides a motorcycle.
Merlin: She's been very interested in becoming a person who rides a motorcycle.
Merlin: And I said, you know, is that a thing that you really feel like you really, really super want to do because it's pretty dangerous?
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: And the way I tried to describe this, and it was very ineffective, I might as well have said, don't get a tattoo.
Merlin: What's the point?
Merlin: And so I said, you know, here's the thing.
Merlin: Think about how many square inches a vehicle are touching the road in a motorcycle as against a four-wheel car.
Merlin: Now, let alone a half-track.
Merlin: You used the square inch argument.
Merlin: The square inch argument.
Merlin: Now, if she wants to drive a tank truck or a truck tank, that is fine.
Merlin: I can't talk her out of a tattoo, but I would just assume she'd not be a motorcycle person.
John: Using the square inch argument, I think a half track is probably your best bet.
Merlin: You're going to have the largest number of square inches.
Merlin: My thought, exactly.
Merlin: And also, if you go to Costco, you've got a place to put all your stuff.
John: Right.
John: That's the truck part.
Merlin: And if you need to get out of a Costco, you also have the tank part, which is nice.
Merlin: You have the tank part.
Merlin: If people are standing literally in the aisles while they wait for their second or third free treat on a toothpick,
Merlin: Sure.
John: You know, bring that tank truck right down.
John: That's right.
John: You might be a redneck.
John: Yes, I totally agree.
John: Except you're going to have to stop at the gate and show your card.
John: Yes, they're really cracking down on that.
Merlin: Apparently, apparently, as it turns out, the actual headline for this was this change at Costco has us shaking in our boots.
Merlin: Was the headline, I remember.
Merlin: And the change at Costco was that even if you want to go get a pizza or a wiener, you have to show your card.
Merlin: That's the change.
Merlin: And now it's clear quaking in their boots.
John: Was this an article in Slate or was this in Wired?
John: Might have been Salon.
John: I'm not sure.
John: Where did it have them shaking in their boots?
Merlin: But here's one idea.
Merlin: If you like Costco that much, maybe you should get a card and become a member there.
Merlin: And then you can buy other things as well as a pizza and wieners.
Merlin: And you won't even buy new boots to quake in.
Merlin: Yes.
John: I keep thinking about Van Halen now.
John: Well, now let me ask you, what is your child?
John: What is she hoping to get out of being a motorcyclist?
John: Where did she learn about motorcyclists?
John: What's the over and under on this?
Merlin: Well, she's very much – I mean, she's having a hell of a time right now.
Merlin: She's having a great time.
Merlin: She's got a lot of friends.
Merlin: They get along really well.
Merlin: And, you know, it's sort of like – More than I can say.
Merlin: Oh, shit, dog.
Merlin: Think about being 12 and a half.
Merlin: That is pretty much peak inside joke in some ways.
Merlin: I mean, there will be new and better inside jokes.
Merlin: But inside jokes and, as they say today, memes –
Merlin: are coming fast and furious from all of these children.
Merlin: They're all in multiple, multiple, multiple group texts.
Merlin: They're all very funny.
Merlin: They all get good grades and they're clever and they're all weirdos and outsiders.
Merlin: And a lot of them are, they're just unusual as kids go.
Merlin: Let's leave it at that.
Merlin: Well, by the standards of our age, she'd be like, what's up with those weirdos?
Merlin: Sure, sure, sure.
Merlin: And so anyways, so what I'm trying to get at is the inside jokes and the memes and just the phrases that she says over and over to confuse me, I think, by design.
Merlin: They come fast and furious.
Merlin: So in the midst of all of that, why motorcycle, why now?
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: Why worm on a string now?
Merlin: Worm on a string is a huge thing.
Merlin: Why beans?
Sure.
Merlin: beans beans are just funny to her she makes things out of beans yes it's too fast too fast and too furious so i don't know exactly why i don't think she's ever even been around a motorcycle she's covered her ears when a motorcycle goes by as you do does she want to talk to her uncle john famous motorcyclist only if you'll be talking her out of it
Merlin: She specifically said that.
Merlin: She specifically said, Uncle John, the motorcyclier, I would love to talk to him just so I could get this.
Merlin: I could be disabused of this idea that I should be on two fast wheels.
John: I see.
John: Okay.
John: Well, you know, I can give that talk.
John: One of two ways.
John: I can give that talk.
John: Motorcyclists are... Motorcyclists are... Motorcycling is rad.
John: Or I can give that talk where it is motorcycling is really scary and... I feel like you're about to die the whole time.
Merlin: Well, you've done extensive travel with motorcycling.
Merlin: I know that.
Merlin: You and your buddies.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Well... I...
Merlin: You want to start?
Merlin: I feel like what had happened was, it's one thing to know how to drive a motorcycle.
Merlin: I think that is a good thing in the same way that like increasingly now you don't need to know how to drive a stick as much as you used to.
Merlin: It's even getting harder to find a new American automobile or let alone European automobile that has a totally manual transmission.
Merlin: And don't get me started on all the – I don't care.
Merlin: I don't care.
Merlin: I'm talking about how my girlfriend taught me to drive stick on her cool truck, and I learned how to shift gears.
Merlin: And then when I bought my own automobile, I bought an automobile with a manual transmission.
Merlin: When my lady friend and I bought an automobile – I don't know why we did this – in 2000, we bought a manual transmission.
Merlin: I think it's valuable to know how to do that.
Merlin: I think insisting that you have a manual transmission may not be as realistic as it used to be.
John: That feels nowadays like maybe you're making your life harder than it needs to be.
John: Especially here.
John: For some reason that you should probably look at more closely.
John: Right.
John: Like if you live in San... See, here's the thing that people don't know about California.
John: It's horrible.
John: And let's just say about the West Coast in general.
John: So horrible.
John: If you live in Portland...
John: You're going to have a different experience of bicycles and motorcycles than you are if you live in Seattle.
John: It's all flat.
John: It's flat and the streets are basically a grid.
John: Yeah.
John: Except for the parts where it's not or where the grid intersects.
Merlin: But you show up in Portland and like if you know how to ride a bike, you can just hit the ground running or biking for that matter.
John: Here's the thing.
John: You could show up in Portland on a bike having bicycled there.
John: And in Seattle, you have to be an iron person to really, really take advantage of the entire city.
Merlin: You're not going to be fucking with one of those penny farthings.
Merlin: You're not going to be wearing clogs on a large bike.
John: That's right.
John: Now, if you live in San Diego...
John: You can spend all day long on a 57 pan head or whatever going from intersection to intersection.
John: And listen, I know there are hills in San Diego.
John: I know there are hills.
John: Don't give me that.
Merlin: But the hills are like rain, if you'll forgive me.
Merlin: I was there the day it rained.
Merlin: I was there the day it rained in San Diego, and then it hasn't rained since, and that was years ago.
Merlin: Was it in the newspaper?
Merlin: It was in the newspaper, wasn't it?
Merlin: I think so.
Merlin: I was over by the beach where the Navy SEALs train on the sand, and they do those kind of Dan Benjamin things where they throw tires around and, I don't know, jump up steps and all that shit and ropes, rope, rope, rope, rope, rope, rope.
John: And that was the day that it rained.
Merlin: Scott?
John: Did you say scat?
John: No, I said they jump up steps.
John: That's one of the things that you need to do if you're like seal team six.
John: It's like, how are we going to get in there?
John: I don't know.
Merlin: It's also a way to like, I think it's a way to break down somebody's dignity and get them to say, fuck it.
Merlin: I'll just jump on steps.
Merlin: Obviously I'll kill for you too.
Merlin: Sure, I'll kill for you.
Merlin: But it rained that day and it was flat everywhere except for where it wasn't.
Merlin: And why do we even need to bring it up?
Merlin: Get over it.
Merlin: It's flat.
Merlin: You kill for your brothers.
Merlin: Oh, I see.
Merlin: And you did not watch those brothers die face down in the shit so that somebody like John Roderick can come along and slag a semi-hilly place like Southern California.
John: Right.
John: So it's very different when people think like, I'm going to get a motorcycle.
John: It's like if you live in, well, let's say Lincoln, Nebraska.
John: Now, there are some hills around Lincoln, Nebraska.
John: Right.
John: Because many, many centuries ago, there was water that came down and dug some hills.
John: But you could ride on a motorcycle every day and never have to stop on a hill and try and figure out how you're going to work that whole clutch brake thing.
Merlin: gas situation to not lay that bike down on its side but in San Francisco there's more to it than any one thing so I mean like for example the most obvious one that we had to face is like you know if we're driving up to like say Parnassus like we're going up in the inner sunset you're going up the hill to where like all the UC stuff is UCSF stuff and it's you have to go up these insane hills to get onto Parnassus if you come to
Merlin: the long way like you know you know sixth fifth that way that'll get you there but if you're coming from the side over here like from like a haze valley woof it's very sheer so now guess what Parnassus is busy what does that mean now did you did you plan for this you're waiting in line behind other cars you can't plan for that you can't plan for that well and you're also doing this thing because you got to be in like first and doing the little jiggle and you don't want to stall
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: There's all that stuff.
Merlin: But also, let's talk about braking.
Merlin: Let's talk about braking and downshifting with hills.
Merlin: And then still accounting for all the things, like the people on the goddamn bicycles running through the stop signs.
Merlin: Did you plan for that, Mr. Stick Shift?
John: In a car, you always have the option of also using your emergency brake as a fourth component.
John: And basically, at that point...
John: in a manual car no no no you're you're like you're basically a helicopter pilot right you've got you're there you're in gear you're on the hill foot on the brake your foot is other foot is on the clutch and you've got your emergency brake up and then as you let the as you let the the clutch out and put the gas on you're also letting the emergency brake down
John: And there's a perfect moment where the emergency brake hands off to the accelerator.
John: And if you do it just as the brake comes off and the clutch comes out, so just as it all just starts to, whoa, and you just, oh, there you go.
John: It can't be taught.
John: It can't be taught, but it can be learned.
John: It can be learned, but it is not.
John: worth it in the long run if you can just have an automatic transmission car i agree a lot of people don't think that way but i happen to agree i totally agree but you know what is not very common an automatic transmission motorcycle you don't see there's too much huh they have i bet it would be very heavy
John: Yeah, every little bit, every little extra part adds twice the weight that you would think.
Merlin: Yeah, because I remember in the vehicles I've owned previously, the option for manual versus automatic.
Merlin: Well, you know, it's hard to say, though.
Merlin: Okay, so now I'm getting a participant bias because also there's all kinds of shit that gets very heavy.
Merlin: It's like my dad used to say, don't go in first class.
Merlin: That just means you're the first people to hit the ground.
Merlin: You know what I'm saying?
Merlin: When you crash.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Ditto here.
Merlin: Do you really want – I'm from a time when you didn't get power windows in a car.
Merlin: First of all, that's for fancy people.
Merlin: Second of all, you're going to die in a river.
Merlin: And third of all, right, you go over the Brent Spence Bridge.
Merlin: You're on your way to the airport in Covington.
Merlin: You've got to be thinking about this.
Merlin: windshield wiper slapping out a tempo keeping perfect rhythm to the song on the radio is what i'm saying sure sure am i making any sense yeah i do okay so like you that's heaviness that's heaviness yes city boy yes right on and on and on yeah yeah you're living in a lonely world yes yes and so and each thing is a new thing now now we had two luxuries in our
Merlin: our automobile when I was a child.
Merlin: We had two luxuries and they were both born of terrible scarring experiences.
Merlin: One of them was... Cup holder?
Merlin: Nope, nope, nope.
Merlin: Air conditioning.
Merlin: One was we had air conditioning.
John: Okay.
Merlin: Because we had once driven to Florida in an un-air conditioned car and everybody said we're never doing that again.
Merlin: Oh, that'll ruin you.
John: That'll ruin you for life.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: And the other one was we always had automatic transmission at a time when people didn't always have automatic transmission.
Merlin: But we had a close enough, not a luxury car, but like we always had like a big coupe.
Merlin: Or occasionally a small sedan.
Merlin: A coupe, I would say.
Merlin: You get a big coupe.
Merlin: Yeah, anyway, it doesn't matter.
John: Anyway, the point is... Do you remember the Mad Magazine?
John: I remember reading a Mad Magazine.
John: Do you remember the Mad Magazines in the 70s sometimes would...
John: Um, sometimes they would republish things from the fifties.
John: I do magazines.
Merlin: They would, they would fairly periodically run a whole bunch of stuff from recent times and old times.
Merlin: And it would sometimes be like a movie special.
Merlin: It'd be like all of our crazy movie parodies in this March, 1977 issue.
John: But they would also do those like, um, you know, like those one panel sort of slice of life, um,
John: cartoons from from ye olden times and there was one i remember very distinctly it was a picture of a family sitting in a stop and go traffic in what had to be like a 1961 plymouth and they were all the windows were rolled up and they and dad was wearing a coat and tie and a hat and mom had a pillbox hat on and gloves and they were clearly sweating profusely and the caption said something like
John: We had to keep the windows up so that no one knew we didn't have air conditioning.
John: And it was a mad sort of light commentary on classism and social climbing.
John: And dad got the car without AC, but he didn't want anybody – because think about how you would be judged if everyone else on the highway –
Merlin: Well, but also, like, I mean, on a somewhat more serious note or actual – what's the word I'm looking for?
Merlin: Realistic note.
Merlin: When they had – when they did have nylons.
Merlin: So, ladies had gotten real into nylons in the run-up to the war.
Merlin: Then they needed that because of the oil.
Merlin: There was a reduction in what they made.
Merlin: I know you know all this.
Merlin: But then you also know that ladies started – there were actually services where you could have a seam professionally drawn on your leg.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Now, we all know this.
Merlin: This is known.
Merlin: But here's what's interesting about this.
Merlin: All the women who were doing that knew that all the other women were doing the same thing and that that was not really nylons, but that was – do you follow?
Merlin: I think that's so interesting that everybody knew that they were fake, but you did it anyway.
Merlin: Maybe wigs at a certain point were like this.
Merlin: I think that's super interesting.
Merlin: In the race for status or acceptance by our peers, we'll do a lot of really monkey-ass shit just to feel like we're fitting in, including drawing on our legs.
Merlin: Well, the thing about a hat is...
John: The thing about a hat is it's just there to make you look taller.
John: And everybody knows you're wearing a hat.
Merlin: That's obviously it reads as a hat to people.
John: Yeah.
John: You're wearing a hat.
John: You're not that tall.
John: You're wearing a tall hat.
John: What about lifts?
John: You got a feeling on lifts.
John: Oh, you know, whatever it takes, right?
John: Yes.
John: Like one inch, four inches, whatever it takes to get you there, to get you down the road.
John: I mean, lifts in the shoes, toupees.
John: I saw a man come into the restaurant the other day wearing a toupee.
John: I hadn't seen one in a while.
John: It really stood out because he was an older gentleman and it was a jet black toupee.
John: Yes.
John: And in that way where you're like, well, sir.
John: And he was escorting a woman who was –
Merlin: uh age appropriate and the two of them were kind of dressed up and i felt like you wear your toupee sir yes wear it absolutely yes i totally agree although again just to touch lightly on this i know we touch upon this about once a month or so so it's nice that you don't have to fret about hair like you used to
Merlin: It was an undignified thing when we were kids.
Merlin: You had to cover up your shame and your baldness.
Merlin: And now, hakuna matata, men don't have to do that.
John: Sure.
John: QED.
John: Because it's tough looking to be bald.
John: You look like a chickless.
John: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah.
John: I notice a lot of times you'll see it's sort of the same thing where you start looking like your pet or you hang out or all the girls all have top ponies or something in your little game.
John: Yeah, right.
Merlin: Or you sink your periods, all that kind of stuff.
John: Yeah.
John: I'm starting to notice that bald guys hanging with bald guys is a thing.
Merlin: Yeah, and the new addition, I feel like, is the – there's a guy.
Merlin: There is a guy, and he's the guy in the Walmart parking lot.
Merlin: And he is bald.
Merlin: He's very large.
Merlin: He considers himself muscular.
Merlin: He's a big, fat guy.
Merlin: But he's also – he is bald, shaved, and, of course, he has – he probably has an Under Armour shirt, I'm going to guess, which is a name brand of athletic wear.
John: No offense to anyone that has an Under Armour shirt.
John: and he also but he also he's got that um he's got the goatee now i'm wondering about a goatee a short goatee a short goatee because he looks less now because that keeps you from looking totally like a human thumb are goatees back merlin yes or no go big big big big bada boom are they universally back or do they signify something
John: Because they used to signify doorman in an Irish bar.
Merlin: Oh, I see.
Merlin: Jump around, jump up, jump up.
Merlin: Yes.
Merlin: That's right.
John: Okay.
Merlin: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Merlin: Then for a while, it was just what douchey guys got in the early 2000s.
Merlin: It was just a douchey guy look.
Merlin: We all had it.
Merlin: At one point or another, it was preceded by the soul patch, but then there was the goatee.
Merlin: I think of a goatee as a very MAGA look.
John: Oh, you think it's Maga now?
Merlin: A short, salt-and-pepper Maga beard.
Merlin: Maga beard.
Merlin: And they got a sleeveless underarm.
Merlin: Oh, I didn't mention the sleeveless part.
Merlin: That becomes important.
Merlin: No sleeves.
Merlin: No sleeves on the Under Armour shirt.
Merlin: Oh, wrap around sunglasses.
Merlin: Sunglasses making videos in the car.
Merlin: It's that guy.
John: I feel like you buried the lead there because sleeveless Under Armour is such a big difference.
John: The sleevelessness really makes it – Oh, it's statement wear for sure.
John: If you also have those Oakley wraparound sunglasses, then what you're saying is I used to be in Special Forces.
John: It's implied.
John: Yeah.
John: Yes.
John: And that is often not the case.
John: No, it's a form of stealing valor.
John: It is stealing valor.
John: I agree.
John: I agree.
John: If you have a hat –
John: that is really bent a baseball hat that's where the brim is really bent you're wearing oakley sunglasses on the back of that hat or on the top of that hat yeah protects the back of your head from sun's deadly rays all of that is suggesting that you were in blackhawk down and we know you weren't interesting yeah we know oh i see i'm not fat i'm a veteran
John: I'm a veteran.
John: I was in Black Hawk Down.
John: Right.
John: I lost a lot of friends that day.
John: Oh, shit.
John: Yeah.
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
John: Yeah.
John: Still in touch with Catherine Bigelow.
John: Yeah.
John: They're hoping that you don't ask that.
John: They're hoping you don't dig in too deeply.
John: They're hoping you just say, thank you for your service.
Merlin: Absolutely.
Merlin: Well, you know, see, this is how it works.
Merlin: This is how they get you, is you learn to utilize and manipulate other people's level of discomfort.
Right.
Merlin: And if you can learn how to manipulate someone else's sense of discomfort, you get a lot of what you want in life just because people like to avoid stuff they don't like.
John: And you know what?
John: You're code switching because you're wearing that to the Walmart, but you sure as shit don't wear that to the VFW hall.
Merlin: Interesting.
Merlin: It's also a little bit of carrot and stick, a little bit of carrot and stick, a little bit of stick as in like you better fucking respect Walmart.
Merlin: my veteran-ness that's implied.
Merlin: His authority.
Merlin: Authority, but also a little bit carrot, where you're like, oh, I feel good saying thank you for your service, like it's a big hardship for me.
Merlin: Thank you for your service.
John: No, thank you for your service.
Merlin: Thank you for your service.
Merlin: You're not fat, you're a veteran, and you have a cart, and you're going to get a lot, you're going to get... Now, will you see a MAGA chud like that?
Merlin: Will you see one of those hogs at a Costco...
Merlin: Given that, you are in the heart of Costco right now.
Merlin: Or do you even have Walmarts there?
Merlin: Walzmart.
John: Walmarts are not in Seattle.
John: They only have them on the outskirts of Seattle.
John: Seattle has successfully managed to keep certain things out.
John: I don't know how.
John: I know.
John: Did I?
John: uh but uh so i don't but i don't go to walmart's because you know the first walmart i ever went to was in florida yeah and i feel like that really had a powerful effect you really imprint on it yeah yeah but i do go to costco's because they're a washington company they're kirkland strong you know i'm saying adam pranica used to work at uh at costco is he not there anymore
John: Well, no, no.
John: He moved on a long time ago.
John: And you know what?
John: Now he's a professional podcaster.
Merlin: I don't buy it.
Merlin: He used to have lots of facts.
Merlin: He would tell me facts about things like the chickens and how many chickens they chicken every year.
John: Because, you know, Costco has that $6 chicken.
John: It'll fuck you up.
John: Well, yeah, and I asked him one time, hey, are these Costco chickens, like, good chickens?
John: Like, did you guys... Like, have led a fulfilling life and given back to the community?
John: Did these chickens have names?
John: Were they raised by little girls?
John: Oh.
John: And Adam said, no, they're chickens that come from chicken places.
John: Yeah.
John: Costco isn't spending extra money to...
John: They're not losing money on a $6 chicken, if you know what I'm saying.
Merlin: Oh, I do.
Merlin: I do.
Merlin: I think it's not as good as it used to be, but it's still quite good.
Merlin: Costco is also where I got my crab from.
John: All you do is put butter on a thing.
Merlin: Putting butter on a thing, yeah, that'll do a lot of the heavy lifting for you.
Merlin: Do you think they inject it?
John: Oh, sure.
John: Okay.
John: Oh, sure.
John: They've got whole, they've got like a bunch of Mengele's back there.
John: Oh, phalanx of chicken injectors.
John: Yeah, they're just putting like butter salt right into them to see what it does.
Merlin: Is that the collective noun, a Mengele of chicken injectors?
Merlin: Yeah.
John: I think these might be twins.
John: They get twin chickens and they inject one and they don't inject the other.
Merlin: Oh, just to see.
Merlin: You know what?
Merlin: Stop there.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: Do you find yourself listening to Van Halen much anymore?
Merlin: That's a leading question.
Merlin: Do you find yourself pulling out the Van Halen and putting it on and listening to it by design?
John: Here's what I do.
John: Here's what I can do, which is I can listen to Fair Warning and Women and Children First.
John: Those two albums, I used to have... Those are sleepers.
John: Those are sleepers.
John: I used to have a Memorex 90-minute tape.
John: Wow.
John: And I had one on one side and the other on the other.
John: And I would put it in the tape deck.
John: This is before the tape deck automatically flipped.
John: So when you get to the end of one, you had to eject it and then flip it over.
John: And going back and forth between those two records, I got into my head that that's what Van Halen was.
John: Pew, pew, pew, pew, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, right?
Merlin: Yep, that's right.
John: One of those starts with Cradle Will Rock.
Merlin: Cradle Will Rock, yeah.
Merlin: Have you seen Junior's grades?
Merlin: Pew, pew, choo, choo, choo.
What?
John: So then when I listened to other Van Halen, that was a lot more like... One break coming up.
John: I was like, oh, man.
John: Oh, Dave.
John: Oh, stop with that.
John: And certainly anything...
Merlin: anything posts well i mean well women and children and fair warning i'm just looking to refresh my memory here they're both so goddamn good oh let's see during movies i hear about it later oh god unchained might be my favorite van halen song it's a very very good song and it's you know this is the stuff those records did not sell very well nope
John: And that's because people weren't ready for the fucking deep science.
Merlin: These are transitional.
Merlin: These are both of these.
Merlin: I think of the first two as being almost of a piece.
Merlin: I think they were recorded essentially at the same time.
Merlin: The next two are super.
Merlin: First one's good.
Merlin: Second one's not as good.
Merlin: Oh, it's got moments.
Merlin: Van Halen 2 is not as good.
Merlin: Well, it's because Van Halen 1 is so good.
Merlin: So good, right.
Merlin: So good.
Merlin: So anyway, those two are transitional albums.
Merlin: And then you get to the waka-ho, waka-waka-waka-doo of Diver Down, right?
Merlin: Things get a little bit silly.
Merlin: Diver Down's not that good either.
Merlin: Well, it's got a little bit Dave-heavy.
John: Here are the singles on Van Halen 2.
John: Dance the Night Away.
John: Mm-hmm.
Merlin: Not there, Pete.
Merlin: Not there, Pete.
John: Beautiful girls also.
Merlin: Beautiful girls.
Merlin: Drinking her head and her toes in his ass.
John: Not that great.
John: Okay.
John: Compared to Van Halen 1, which has every one of the great songs of the world, including Running with the Devil, Ain't Talking About Love, Jamie's Crying.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: No, I mean, come on.
Merlin: It does have ice cream.
Merlin: Stop him when he's passing by.
Merlin: I do.
Merlin: He's got all the flavors that are guaranteed to satisfy.
Merlin: Guaranteed to satisfy.
Merlin: Oh, I forgot my guitar.
Merlin: I got my guitar restrung.
John: It's a nice guitar.
John: It helped me out a lot this most recent time I was in San Francisco.
Merlin: My electric is now really strong.
Merlin: I have not tried to do this in a while.
John: I wonder if I can still do this.
John: Oh, hang on.
Merlin: Here we go.
John: Yep.
John: Oh, you've got it.
John: Bring it on.
John: Yeah.
John: That's all you need.
John: That's it.
John: That's it.
Merlin: Now you've got a lot of moisture in the basement.
Merlin: Ladies everywhere.
John: Somebody said, fair warning.
John: Lord, strike that poor boy down.
John: All you wanted.
John: I was thinking about this today.
John: There was a time in our lives when being an electric guitarist was the highest form of knighthood.
John: And now, no one gives a good care about it at all.
Merlin: You pick up a guitar now, and here's what everybody does.
Ugh.
John: Yeah, it's almost completely meaningless.
John: It has no cultural cachet.
John: I am sure that your daughter and her memeing friends are like worms on a string.
John: Worms on a string.
John: But check it out.
John: And they're like, oh, okay, boomer.
Merlin: Oh, she says that all the time.
John: When we were young, it was like they were Jedis.
John: Oh, yes.
John: They were freaking Jedis.
Merlin: Absolutely.
Merlin: For 30 years, 25 to 30 years, it was the thing.
Merlin: Yeah, 30 years, let's say 30 years.
John: Starting really in the late 50s, at least.
John: In your father's life, in my father's life, what is the comparable thing?
John: Was it like when they were young?
John: Serving in the army.
John: Well, no, no, no.
John: Well, maybe.
John: But I was thinking, was it something like fly fishing or something when they were teenagers?
John: And it was like, oh, if you could cast a fly really well.
John: Okay.
Merlin: Yeah, you're saying it's- Okay, okay, okay, yes.
Merlin: Yes, yes, yes.
Merlin: Playing football.
Merlin: Playing football?
Merlin: Could be playing football.
Merlin: But a way that by participating in this- Rowing crew.
Merlin: It was rowing crew.
Merlin: Rowing like a Winklevoss.
John: Rowing crew against the Nazis was, you know, like your crew team against the Nazis.
John: And that was the one that was going to decide like who, who was the better, who was the master race.
Merlin: I'm still, I'm still kind of unwinding this.
Merlin: So I may have to work in cliches for a while.
Merlin: I think another one is automobiles.
Merlin: I think being into automobiles, knowing how to fix automobiles, having a fast or loud automobile.
Merlin: I think those, that's a very like Harrison Ford, cool thing to do.
Merlin: Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Merlin: You're right, you're right.
Merlin: Like a hot rod, a hot rod.
Merlin: A hot rod, yep, yep.
Merlin: But like knowing how to cook, maybe not as big a deal.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: That came later.
Merlin: That came later.
John: Mm-hmm.
John: Oh, how many guys you could fit into a phone booth?
John: Oh, I see.
John: Like a fun prank.
John: How long you could sit on a phone pole.
Merlin: Could you eat a goldfish on a phone pole?
John: If you and your friends spent all of your college years trying to see how many of yourselves you could put into a phone booth, and then you got to be 40 years old, and you're like, nobody even does that anymore.
Yeah.
John: Right.
Merlin: Now, what if you've imprinted on that and that's like your special thing now?
Merlin: You know what I mean?
Merlin: What if you can't finish unless you're in a phone booth with another man?
John: If you can't finish?
Merlin: You know what I'm saying.
Merlin: Cooking.
John: Did you ever learn how to do a Rubik's Cube?
Merlin: Yes.
Merlin: Two different ways.
Merlin: How fast could you do it?
Merlin: 90 seconds or less.
Woo!
Merlin: First I learned how to take it apart and put it together and how to put some Vaseline in there so you could get it to go a little bit faster.
Merlin: And then I learned how to solve, I don't know if I'm like any kind of like a Jonathan Colton, but I was pretty fast by 1981, 82 standards.
John: You know, Jonathan Colton didn't learn to do it until he was in his mid 40s.
John: Good for him.
John: Oh, wait a minute.
John: I'm not sure if he knew how to do it when he was.
Merlin: I could see him having a Rubik's Cube in the early 80s for sure.
Merlin: Sure.
Merlin: I had a Rubik's Snake also.
Merlin: I remember those.
Merlin: They struggled to fill the void of what will the next gimmicky puzzle thing be.
Merlin: It went through the usual things.
Merlin: It was kind of like what we went through with Crocs, where you start out with Crocs, and then you have different kinds of Crocs, and then you've got, like, formal Crocs.
Merlin: And, like, in this case, what happened was, what had happened was, you say, okay, here's this grid.
Merlin: It's a cube.
Merlin: It's got these sides with colors.
Merlin: It's a grid.
Merlin: It's a cube.
Merlin: It's a grid.
Merlin: It's a cube.
Merlin: You can take it apart if you want to.
Merlin: You get a screwdriver.
Merlin: You pop out the middle one.
Merlin: That goes out.
Merlin: Or you can move the stickers around.
Merlin: Kind of a sucker move.
Merlin: Kind of a sucker move.
Merlin: But then you go, like, we got two directions.
Merlin: One is completely unrelated thing, like Rubik's Snake, that we just put the name on.
Merlin: Or you go over here into the, like, six-minute abs area, where you're just going to have more cube, where instead of, like, three by three, you get, like, four by four.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: You know what I'm saying?
Merlin: And then they tried vending that for a while.
John: Yeah, I'm not into that.
John: But you know what?
John: I couldn't even win at Chinese checkers.
John: I did not try to figure out...
John: Those things.
John: You couldn't win a Chinese checkers.
John: No, I never learned beyond just like throw your pieces around in chess, right?
John: I mean, chess seemed to me like as soon as you had learned five moves strung together, you were cheating.
John: Because every chess game, you should start sort of knowing how the pieces move.
Merlin: Yeah, you want to develop your pawns.
Merlin: Yeah, you want to develop your pawns.
Merlin: Bring them out in the middle and the sides, and then you want to get in a position that's defensible and offensive.
John: But, you know, there are a lot of bands that play the same set every night, and then there are bands that have the same banter every night.
John: Like, hey, guys, thanks for coming out.
John: This next song is about 69.
John: Woo!
John: And I feel like those bands are no good.
John: Now, not every band has to be like the Long Winters that takes the stage with no set list and says, anybody have any requests?
John: on their first song because that feels a little risky too, right?
Merlin: Yeah, but I think you understand that of all the things that are part of the Long Winter's value proposition, efficiency need not be one of them.
Merlin: Sure.
Merlin: You don't come to the Long Winter shows.
Merlin: You come for the inefficiency.
John: You don't come for efficiency.
John: That's right.
John: You come for the inefficiency.
Merlin: The inefficiency is arguably not part of the art.
Merlin: Uh, it's a hack.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: But like, was John done talking?
Merlin: No, maybe we don't know.
Merlin: John's still talking.
Merlin: Is he done talking?
Merlin: Is it time for music again?
Merlin: Don't worry about that.
Merlin: You're here for show.
Merlin: This is show.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: Is, is John ever done talking?
Merlin: Is John done talking?
Merlin: This is show.
Merlin: Enjoy show because show is what's happening on the stage.
Merlin: Whatever's in the show is in the show.
John: Whatever I may say, it's your show is in the show.
Merlin: Yeah.
Yeah.
John: Yeah, that's always been true.
John: That's been true since the very beginning.
Merlin: It seems silly that we even have to say it.
John: But there are a lot of people.
John: You never know.
John: There are a lot of bands out there where it's not in the show.
John: Nope.
John: Right?
John: Never in the show.
John: That was not in the show.
John: Nope.
John: That happened, but it wasn't in the show.
John: And that's the crazy part.
John: When something happens, but it's not in the show.
Yeah.
John: Oh, interesting.
John: Like a Great White type situation?
John: Well, like it happened.
John: Like, oh, the guitar player dropped his pick, or the singer slipped and fell off the stage, or, you know, the drummer OD'd.
John: Something happened.
John: They'll do that.
Merlin: They'll do that, those drummers.
Merlin: But it's not in the show.
Merlin: Not in the show.
Merlin: Wait, what?
Merlin: So you're saying that even though it is technically in the show, because it lacked intentionality to be in the show, is it a different Weltanschauung that they're working with?
John: Right.
John: It happened.
John: It happened.
John: Nobody's going to deny that it happened.
John: Happened is not show.
John: Happened is not show.
John: Okay.
John: Like, for instance, I was listening to You're Going to Lose That Girl this morning.
John: Yes, yes.
John: And you're going to lose that girl, which is like, whoa.
John: When you really get inside the message of that song, that's a heavy duty.
John: There's a lot of room.
John: That song has many good parts.
John: It does.
John: But here's what it has that I wouldn't classify as a good part.
John: It has hand drums in it.
John: It has bongos in it.
John: Bongos that, according to my good friend Jim Bogia, he suspects were played with sticks.
John: Bongos played with sticks.
John: It does not go with the song.
John: And in the third verse, Ringo gets like a little bit – he gets a little bit –
John: It sounds like they're on Mary Jane.
John: And the thing about the songwriting is the songwriting does not sound like it's on Mary Jane.
Merlin: That's a very John.
Merlin: I would guess that that is almost 100% a John song.
John: It's 100% a John song.
John: And I think that they wrote it and recorded it still in a headspace of not on Mary Jane.
John: And then they were on Mary Jane.
John: Really?
John: That seems like very early for a Mary Jane song.
John: Well, but they got introduced to Mary Jane by the Supremes or whatever.
Merlin: By the Supremes.
John: They were smoking marijuana pretty early.
Merlin: Are you kidding me?
Merlin: On one of those box tours or package tours?
Merlin: I think so.
Merlin: One of those container tours?
Merlin: You could get smoked out by fucking Diana Ross?
Merlin: I feel like that is what happened.
Merlin: I would love to have marijuana with a young Diana Ross.
Merlin: Who wouldn't?
Merlin: Holy shit.
Merlin: Can you imagine her in like a sheath dress?
Merlin: I'm not saying that.
Merlin: Like smoking out of like a carved out apple?
Merlin: Fuck.
John: I'm not saying that Miss Diana was smoking reefer, but I bet somebody on that tour was.
John: I see.
John: But it would be someone from the Motown.
John: Somebody who basically then took Ringo aside and was like, man, there's not enough hand drums on your stuff.
Merlin: You need to play these hand drums with sticks.
Merlin: And Ringo was like, hey.
Merlin: Hey, Bob Struggle.
Merlin: You're going to lose that girl.
Merlin: That's a tough song.