Ep. 532: "My Umbrella Stand"
Merlin: Hush money.
Merlin: Hush money.
Merlin: Hush money.
Merlin: Hush money.
Merlin: Hush money.
Merlin: Hush money.
Merlin: Hush there, you Duke boys.
Merlin: I want to give you some money if you hush.
Merlin: I'll also give you the back of my hand.
Merlin: Hush money.
Merlin: There's certain phrases I just really dislike.
Merlin: Oh, really?
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah, I wanted some of them.
Merlin: I'm back in the saddle.
Merlin: Oh, boy.
Merlin: Yeah, come on.
Merlin: Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Merlin: Yeah, no.
Merlin: Don't yuck my yum.
Merlin: Huh?
Merlin: Oh, yes, true.
Merlin: They said that on Top Chef this week.
Merlin: What is, yucking your yum?
Merlin: Someone said that on Top Chef this week.
Merlin: No, you're kidding.
Merlin: Carla, one of my favorites, yeah.
John: And was it because someone was yucking her yum?
Merlin: No, no.
Merlin: In the usage, I think, I mean, I'm no Webster's, but I think that the usage on yucking on a yum is usually a dependent clause.
Merlin: Well, no, it's part of a dependent clause or a balanced breakfast.
Merlin: Hi, John.
Merlin: Hi, John.
Merlin: And you say to somebody, you say, hey, look, I don't want to yuck on a yum, but...
Merlin: And then you yuck on a yum.
Merlin: You totally do.
Merlin: You shit on their yum.
John: Fuck their yum.
John: Am I right?
Merlin: Here's your yum right here.
Merlin: That's a really nice Doctor Who scarf.
Merlin: Somebody took a shit on it.
Merlin: Cosplay.
Merlin: Cosplay.
John: Hush money.
John: Yeah, I'm worried about yucking people's yum all the time.
John: It's the thing I'm worried about.
Merlin: I know.
Merlin: Well, I mean, especially if I do it unintentionally.
Merlin: If I do it intentionally, you better notice I'm doing it.
Merlin: Also, you know, as I think you know, as a dear friend of mine, I think there's been a lot of inflation in the word MILF.
Merlin: That bothers me.
Merlin: I've also never liked...
Merlin: The way that we refer to the person in the hush money, hush money.
Merlin: The hush money case, the hush puppy case.
Merlin: That sounds like Encyclopedia Brown.
Merlin: It would be adorable.
Merlin: The case of a missing hush puppy.
Merlin: The grease would have still been hot.
Merlin: Grease is the word.
Merlin: Yeah, it's the grooves got feeling.
Merlin: It's time, the space, and the motion.
Merlin: Fuck.
Merlin: And then they brought in Michelle Pfeiffer for the second one.
John: That was weird.
John: Tell me about MILF inflation.
John: I'm worried about this now, too, and I didn't even realize I was.
John: I thought I talked about this too much here.
John: Oh, no, I think it might be your other show.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: I would love to talk about that, but really related to that – and I'm not – this is not – I'm not trying to, you know, bukkake on anybody's house party.
John: No, or yuck on anybody's yum, as we've already established.
Merlin: But I'm about to use the phrase – and again, in order to use a phrase I dislike, I'm going to have to use –
Merlin: A phrase I dislike.
Merlin: A phrase you dislike.
Merlin: There's the Hush Money case.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: What is that?
Merlin: Hush Money.
Merlin: Is that OJ?
Merlin: Sure.
Merlin: And anyway, the case that's happening right now in New York City against the former president of the United States is about... Oh, I see what you're saying.
John: Yeah, sure.
John: I've heard of this.
John: Were you not aware that that's about Hush Money?
John: No, I didn't realize it was about hush money, but I certainly haven't heard that.
Merlin: It's about hush money.
Merlin: Okay, now let me ask you this.
Merlin: Let me ask you this.
Merlin: There's a well-known thing that happened.
Merlin: I thought it was earlier, but apparently it was in 2018.
Merlin: I think even you might be able to get this.
Merlin: And I mean that as a compliment.
John: I know you do.
John: I know you do.
Merlin: I'm not asking you questions about who Dua Lipa's sister is, which I just learned.
John: Dua Lipa has a sister, and you know who it is, and I don't?
Merlin: Yeah, that'll teach me to try and keep up with the news.
Merlin: I like Dua Lipa.
Merlin: She seems awesome.
Merlin: She seems.
Merlin: But remember a case, the thing that came up was that the 46th president had, it was believed that he had caused money to be paid to a woman that he had had intercourse with.
Merlin: Oh, hush money.
Merlin: At a golf event, like right after the birth.
Merlin: of his last or latest, most recent child.
Merlin: His wife was at home with the baby, and he was in Lake Tahoe, you know, with the Corleones.
Merlin: Sure, sure.
Merlin: He came to this clean country in his slick suits.
Merlin: With his slick suits.
Merlin: And he said, he said, listen, Stormy Daniels, many people were saying we're part of the same hypocrisy.
Merlin: But you know who Stormy Daniels is?
Merlin: I'd appreciate it if you would put up the money.
Merlin: I'm pushing Klingman out.
Merlin: And so you remember that person.
Merlin: Yeah, no, no, I do.
Merlin: I couldn't forget.
Merlin: She's also on an episode of Party Down, which is kind of weird now.
Merlin: Stormy Daniels.
John: Stormy Daniels.
Merlin: Or Dua Lipa's sister.
Merlin: Dua Lipa's Stephanie Clifford.
Merlin: No one man should have all that power.
Merlin: So, you know, yeah, so she and John...
Merlin: If you can say, if you're comfortable saying, in the six years since we first started hearing about this business and kept seeing that same goddamn snapshot of them both having red eye in the photo.
Merlin: Do you remember the way, like if you had to refer to the job title of Stephanie Clifford, how was she almost always referred to?
John: Personal assistant.
John: Porn star.
John: Oh, porn star.
John: Sure, sure, sure.
John: That was my second guess.
John: Okay.
John: Porn star.
John: Okay.
John: So sex worker, we say.
Merlin: Well, I don't know what we say anymore.
Merlin: I don't have a dog in this fight, but I have a lot to say about MILF inflation.
Merlin: It's pissing me off, and it's causing a lot of problems for some women who are actual MILFs.
Merlin: Oh, I see what you're saying.
Merlin: I'm not talking about a woman in sandals who's 25.
Merlin: I'm talking about a MILF.
Merlin: That sickens me.
Merlin: But here's the other thing, and I don't want to say this too strong because I don't actually care, but at some point somebody started referring to the person whose birth name was Stephanie Clifford.
Merlin: They started referring to her as a porn star.
Merlin: And then some of the more, like, even more recently, the very conservative outlets will refer to her, conservative, you know, in terms of style guides, will refer to her as an adult film star.
John: Okay, all right, sure, that's the older style, you know.
Merlin: Okay, well, like, okay, so before we even get into what porn means, that's fine, let's set that aside for a minute.
John: What does star mean?
Merlin: What does star mean?
Merlin: Is everyone who acts... Something that shines brightly in the heavens.
Merlin: Oh, I see.
Merlin: The thing with feathers.
Merlin: Well... That would be Emily Dickinson porn.
Merlin: And it's not popular.
Merlin: Oh, I made this porn just for you.
Merlin: Look at it when you please.
Merlin: And everything I write comes to Tennessee.
Merlin: Did you know that?
Merlin: Did you know all of her poems can be sung to the Yellow Rose of Texas?
Merlin: no one had ever told me that and i feel i feel cheated because i could not stop for death to kindly stop for me every single one of her songs can be sung to the yellow rose of texas now i told my wife this and she said get ready you know what she said you can guess what she said she said what's the yellow rose of texas oh come on maddie what's going on
John: What's going on?
Merlin: Deep in the heart of Texas.
Merlin: What is this?
Merlin: Okay, not that I care, but now that everyone says it, if you say Stormy Daniels, you say, hey, what's Stormy Daniels write down on forums as a job?
Merlin: You know what everybody says?
Merlin: Porn star.
Merlin: Oh, sex worker.
Merlin: Oh, porn star.
Merlin: No!
Merlin: Fuck, John!
Merlin: Jesus Christ, forget it.
Merlin: No, I'm listening.
Merlin: I'm listening.
Merlin: And your punishment is you don't get to talk about MILFs.
John: It's the most searched porn term in the United States, right?
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: I think so.
Merlin: I'm not even trying to do the cute thing of sex workers, because I get why we say that.
Merlin: There's a lot of people that are in positions in life where that's the way they can make money, and some of them choose.
Merlin: I don't want to get involved in that part of it.
Merlin: It's real work.
Merlin: First of all, before we get into the Roland Barstow semiotics and semiantics...
Merlin: Have you ever seen the antics of the semiotics people?
Merlin: Remember the Hanna-Barbera show in the 70s?
Merlin: Are you kidding me?
Merlin: That's half my college education.
Merlin: It was called, yes, it was called neurotic semiotics.
Merlin: Porn star?
Merlin: Because their mothers didn't love them enough, yeah.
Merlin: No, that was the Freudian-Boydian.
Merlin: And that's why our mothers were so severe toward us.
Merlin: You know that.
John: Yes, that's right.
John: Severe is one way of describing it.
Merlin: That's what Mr. Spock said.
Merlin: That's why they put their cigarettes out on us.
Merlin: Yes, and threw you in the education hole.
Merlin: Live long and ignore your children.
Merlin: Boy, that was a complicated joke.
Merlin: That was practically a They Might Be Giants song level of joke.
Merlin: It didn't have an animated lamp or anything, but yeah.
Merlin: Someone stuck their fingers in the presidency and it wasn't too much later.
Merlin: They came out with Johnson's Wax.
Merlin: I think that song might be genius because I think it's about being a little kid.
Merlin: What's that song?
Merlin: Purple Toupee.
Merlin: That song, I think, is about being a little kid and not understanding fuck all about what's happening in the world.
Merlin: During the Johnson administration.
Merlin: I remember the year I went to camp, I heard about a lady named Selma and some blacks.
Merlin: Do you remember that?
Merlin: It's such a good song.
Merlin: anyways so here's the thing do um but you know but but go on johnson's wax oh are you are you watching manhunt no but i'm saying i think it was i thought i think it was lyndon johnson i think it's oh no it was but i think it's also a joke because you think that's like for example okay this is an actual quote i'm trying to avoid trying to taper off doing this because it's none of my fucking business but i would like to tell you something that my child said last week i just realized there's one steve martin
John: What does that mean?
John: Well.
John: I just heard that Steve Martin dated Cindy Sherman.
John: Is that right?
John: No, I don't know about that.
John: I haven't gotten to that part yet.
John: Okay, okay.
John: I really enjoyed it.
Merlin: Keep reading.
Merlin: No, well, I read, I had his, not his book on tape, whatever you call it, his porn star on tape.
Merlin: No, it was a good book.
Merlin: And he read it.
Merlin: Oh, John, John, John, John, dear John.
John: When he worked at Marriott's Great America, or whatever.
Merlin: John, not very far.
Merlin: You've got to see.
Merlin: There's a two-part bio thing on Steve Martin on Apple TV.
Merlin: It's called Steve!
Merlin: Exclamation point.
Merlin: And oh my... Seriously, the first... I mean, it's all good.
Merlin: It goes up to the point where he's like... Well, it's not a spoiler, because you were there.
Merlin: To the point in the early to mid-80s where he's like, look...
Merlin: Either I can keep doing this stand-up comedy thing that is, as you've learned from the show, was like really becoming very unpleasant for him for a lot of reasons.
John: Or he could go into movies.
John: He was tired of getting small.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: You ever do that with your friends?
Merlin: You ever just sit around?
Merlin: But like the whole thing of like, I know all this stuff.
Merlin: I know, I know, I know all the stuff about Steve Martin.
Merlin: But this was just learning like when he worked at the magic place at Disney.
Merlin: And one of the things he had to do, I don't think this is a bit, he had to demo magic tricks all day long.
Merlin: He got really good at magic tricks, right?
Merlin: His book, anyway, his book on tape that he reads is very good.
Merlin: And I guess I just spaced some of this middle stuff.
Merlin: I remember the stuff about him sleeping in his car in San Francisco, you know, because trying to like make it and like how nobody got it and everybody thought he was terrible.
Merlin: But there's so many things where he shares like his breakthrough moments.
Merlin: And it's not that usual bullshit about inspiration.
Merlin: It's where he goes, I thought I wanted to be
Merlin: Like, I'm going to paraphrase, but I thought I wanted to be a magician.
Merlin: And then I thought I wanted to be a funny magician.
Merlin: And then what I realized was there was nowhere to go with that, that I wanted to be a comedian who used the skills of magic.
Merlin: And while I'm at it, you know, I used to make balloon animals all day long, and I'm really good at that.
Merlin: I used to have to demonstrate arrows through the head and rabbit ears and had patter about all of that.
Merlin: How do I take all of those skills and make it into this new thing?
Merlin: Now I am spoiling a little bit, but I want to tell you everything but the joke.
Merlin: It's almost a form of anti-humor, right?
Merlin: That he was doing before anybody else.
Merlin: It was real popular at that time.
Merlin: Well, kind of, but it wasn't just the da-da, the lovable da-da of Emo Phillips or somebody.
Merlin: It was where he understood...
Merlin: things about doing humor as a weird person that was only really acceptable at that.
Merlin: It only first became acceptable at that time.
Merlin: Everybody's railing about politics, understandably.
Merlin: Anyway, it's really, really good.
Merlin: It's called Steve, and it's on the Apple thing.
Merlin: Does he pronounce it that way?
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: His father doesn't sound very nice.
Merlin: But you should watch that.
Merlin: That's what happens.
Merlin: Let's talk about you.
Merlin: Can we stop saying porn star all the time?
Merlin: Can we say it all the time?
John: I'm not sure.
John: I've said it in years.
Merlin: Forgive my saying.
Merlin: You are not the target audience for this remark.
Merlin: Because I don't think you actively seek out media in the same way that a lot of people do.
Merlin: Or maybe you're not adjacent to media.
Merlin: But if you go to a news site, there's just a whole bunch...
Merlin: just explain why the show started this way i just came back from someplace and i just hooked up my ipad and i plugged it in and and i turned it on and msnbc said and it said uh porn star hush money hush money it's porn star hush money right as soon as you turned it on first thing i'm looking at our hush money porn star hush hush money hush money that's like hush puppies telling them puppies to hush
John: Now, wait, is it the defense or the prosecution that's saying hush money in a white linen suit voice?
John: Hush money.
John: I'll say hush money.
Merlin: Yeah, Atkins Finch, who's very problematic now, I guess.
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: But David Pecker, there is no Gregory Peck, but there is a David Pecker.
John: I was thinking about Gregory Peck this morning.
Merlin: Really?
Merlin: What were you thinking about?
Merlin: Yours is more interesting, so I'd say that.
Merlin: Well, no, I'm just tired of hearing certain phrases and hush money over and over and over.
Merlin: And it's like, well, it is the hush money pro.
Merlin: But really, the thing is, whether you mean to or not, I know you're trying to hook people by calling it the porn star, using the phrases porn star and hush money.
Merlin: But it's a little bit misleading for people who don't read, even finish reading the headline.
Merlin: because the headlines are so bad to begin with, but maybe they didn't read the article and maybe they didn't know.
Merlin: It's not actually about the hush money.
Merlin: It's not the hush money that's illegal.
Merlin: You could argue it's the hush money payment that's illegal, but that's not even what made it illegal.
Merlin: What made it illegal is that Michael Cohen agreed to just front $130,000 for this.
Merlin: This is a thread that runs through a lot of the 46th president's
Merlin: narratives that bums me out is that we don't get to the thing that's actually the thing.
Merlin: Like the January 6th thing, we don't talk enough about what the real January 6th thing was.
Merlin: And so we just walk around talking about the big lie.
Merlin: Who's the end of Bean Dad, let's be honest.
Merlin: You feel like that came up?
Merlin: You know, that happened for Gary Condon with 9-11.
Merlin: Is that right?
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: People stopped asking as many questions about where Chandra Levy was.
Merlin: Oh, hmm.
Merlin: You know, remember that?
Merlin: Shonda Levy, that was the big one here.
Merlin: And then also the dog, the dog who attacked the two women in the hotel lobby here.
Merlin: And then the two lawyers who were taking care of the dog for a guy that was at San Quentin, I think.
Merlin: No, not San Quentin.
Merlin: What's the one here?
Merlin: Oh, you don't remember Paul Kornfed Schneider?
Merlin: no yeah search for San Quentin is near you though what's the other one uh hello I'm Johnny Cash yeah search for um might have been Folsom anyways yeah okay and when we say hush it's fine you know I don't care I'm done after this and then I'm never talking again this is like no this is my scene on stage I'm the I'm Captain Von Trapp and I'm about to bring the family out and Max who's coded heavily as being in the entertainment industry Max comes out and says that now huh
Merlin: Potemkin?
Merlin: Which Mac?
Merlin: Max Potemkin from the Potemkin Village?
John: No, I was thinking of Max from Sound of Music.
John: He's a little one.
John: He's a little.
Merlin: Max and the Baroness, I think, should have a show on E, just for what it's worth.
Merlin: Now, the Baroness.
Merlin: Okay, John.
Merlin: Wait, where's my fucking bell?
Merlin: I cleaned my office.
Merlin: God damn it.
Merlin: Oh, my God.
Merlin: John, you know who's a MILF?
Merlin: Can I say who's a MILF?
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
John: The Baroness.
John: This is what I've been waiting for the whole time.
John: The Baroness is a MILF.
John: The Baroness is sure she's a MILF.
Merlin: Yeah, whereas today, by today's standards, somebody would see Liesl at the mall and think she's a MILF.
Merlin: She's not a MILF.
John: The thing is, the I-L-F of MILF, that's very subjective.
John: I mean, it's super subjective.
John: I mean, it's just like anybody.
John: I think the M oughtn't be.
John: It's the L. The M is established.
John: That's just like there's a baseline.
Merlin: Well, this is why I said Bob's mom, I think, is very much a MILF.
Merlin: But that count that we contextualize said this two weeks ago ago.
Merlin: Is this a Bob's Burgers thing now?
Merlin: No, John, it's about your life.
Merlin: When you had a crush on a woman who lived in a bookcase and listened to it.
John: Oh, you're talking about Bob's mom.
John: Sure, sure.
John: What did I say?
John: I still think about her all the time.
John: No, you said Bob's mom.
John: I was just like, Bob came out of nowhere.
John: Bob's mom.
Merlin: Who would call her a porn star?
Merlin: That's so disrespectful to everybody.
Merlin: Well, not disrespectful to sex day.
John: That category didn't even exist then.
John: No, we didn't know from fucking.
John: No, it was a stag thing.
John: It was like an eight millimeter that you watched in the Elk's Lodge.
John: It didn't have anything to do.
Merlin: You're talking about stag movies, what you're talking about.
John: Talking about eight millimeter loops.
John: Sure, you could find them in a thrift store.
John: You know, they were in a little metal can.
Merlin: You clean them off.
John: It seemed like a family.
John: That's why they put him in a can.
Merlin: They were all in a can.
Merlin: I get bothered.
Merlin: And just to say the one, like, not real thing.
Merlin: This is not even the part that bugs me.
Merlin: What bugs me is hearing the same fucking phrase over and over.
Merlin: And this is ultimately, oh, John, I have documents about this.
Merlin: But, like, there's a class of things.
Merlin: I don't like to say this too much because it doesn't sound like a nice thing to say.
Merlin: But there are guys in the world who are dumb guys.
Merlin: And a predicate of being, like, part of being a dumb guy is thinking that you're not a dumb guy.
Merlin: And there are things that dumb guys, there's things that dumb guys do, and there's things that dumb guys, nice dumb guys, in many cases, people I consider friends.
Merlin: Nice dumb guys, they say and do things that they think makes them sound very smart, but just proves that they're a dumb guy.
John: Yeah, that's number one about being a dumb guy, saying things you think are smart.
John: It might be true of us, for all we know.
John: For all we know, Marlon.
John: Marlon, we're dumb.
John: Guys.
John: Love, look at the two of us.
John: Listen, Marlon, we could be the dumbest guys.
John: We're out here saying smart things.
John: Actually, I'm more of a sunfish.
John: And all of our fans are just like rolling their eyes.
John: Oh, my God, these two dum-dums.
John: I know, I know.
John: What's a fan?
John: What is a Korean fan death?
John: Maybe it's a MILF.
John: Maybe it's a Mother's I'd Like to Fan.
John: Think about that.
John: Right.
John: Hey, I've been blowing you for an hour.
John: No, not fan them with a fan.
John: I mean like fan as a kind of – you're the one that knows grammar.
John: Transitive verb?
John: Yeah, as a transitive verb.
John: I'd like to fan you.
John: I'm going to fan you by signing up for your – It's like the Boston song, Cool the Engines.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: I understand.
Merlin: I think I understand.
Merlin: Milf – we'll set that aside for a minute.
Merlin: When we call it the hush money – porn star hush money thing –
Merlin: Nobody cares.
Merlin: But here's the problem.
Merlin: Here's what it hangs on.
Merlin: What it hangs on is, okay, the payment wasn't illegal.
Merlin: The way it was done wasn't even illegal.
Merlin: What was illegal was Trump's organization – I'm sorry, I said his name – like paying back Michael Cohen $130,000 and referring to it as legal fees on an election form.
Merlin: And you're not allowed to do that.
Merlin: No.
Merlin: So the porn thing – That should be illegal.
Merlin: There ought to be a law is what they used to say.
Merlin: I don't want to out myself as a dumb guy, but yes.
Merlin: Oh, yeah.
Merlin: So anyway, here's some classic ones.
Merlin: Yeah, here's a classic one.
Merlin: I feel like is like, you know, there's a point when you learn a little bit of grammar, and then you learn a little more grammar, and then eventually you learn tricks about grammar.
Merlin: If you're ever wondering whether to say I or me,
Merlin: After a, what is that, a conjunction?
John: She and me went to the store, for instance.
Merlin: No, you say things like myself and I, because that sounds really smart.
Merlin: Whom?
Merlin: Whom?
Merlin: Whom?
Merlin: Whom?
Merlin: Whom came with John and myself?
Merlin: Yes.
Merlin: And I?
Merlin: And John and I?
John: John and myself and I?
Merlin: You can substitute...
Merlin: Act like there's no and there and say it and see if it makes sense.
John: That's the test.
John: That's how they did it on three feet high and rising.
John: Me, myself, I. Me, myself, comma, I. Right.
Merlin: Me, comma, myself, comma, I.
Merlin: But can you believe they sampled Steely Dan?
Merlin: Steely Dan got so mad.
Merlin: Remember that?
Merlin: Well, yeah, a lot of people got mad.
Merlin: That's why we can't do it anymore.
John: That's right.
John: Goddamn Donald Fagan again.
John: Ruining everything.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yes, there's gas in the car.
Merlin: Still, he remains tied to the mast.
Merlin: Hmm.
Merlin: Equity.
Merlin: I'm looking.
Bam.
Bam.
Merlin: I can't do it.
John: I'm trying to do the stabs.
John: No, no, but get back to Michael.
Merlin: The part that's illegal was saying that it was for legal stuff, and it wasn't.
Merlin: And it's illegal to say that on your campaign thing.
Merlin: It's illegal to say it's for legal stuff when it isn't.
Merlin: Anyway, it's okay.
Merlin: Here's an easy one.
Merlin: Let me just do this.
Merlin: I feel like I'm always bitching, and here I want to do one that's useful.
Merlin: Let's say you want to say something as anodyne as he came... Let's see...
Merlin: She came to the store with John and me.
Merlin: She came to the store with John and me.
Merlin: Or John and I went to the store.
Merlin: She came to the store with me.
Merlin: She came to the store with John.
Merlin: Have you ever done that?
Merlin: Like, I learned that probably in college, and it saved me so much aggravation.
Merlin: So, like, John and I went to the store.
Merlin: Well, John went to the store, not a problem.
Merlin: John and I went to the store, right?
Merlin: Because I went to the store.
John: And then I went to the store, that's right.
Merlin: You wouldn't say John and me went to the store because if you say me went to the store, you'd no longer sound like a smart guy.
John: Me didn't go to the store.
John: No, me didn't go.
John: I do that every day.
John: As I'm walking through life, I go.
John: Oh, I do it constantly.
John: Me and me went to the store.
Merlin: You know what they call that today, John, what we're doing?
Merlin: We're putting in the work.
Merlin: Because we're thinking about it.
Merlin: We do that.
Merlin: We're putting in the work.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: So that's all I wanted to say.
Merlin: I'm here.
Merlin: My iPad is up.
Merlin: Apparently, Molly Haberman, I slept, my sleep's a little crazy right now, and I ask you to start late.
Merlin: You've been traveling.
Merlin: Something like that.
John: I mean, not to, not to like.
John: No, it's fine.
Merlin: I got no spot to blow up.
John: You've been here and there.
Merlin: Did you get the thing I sent you of the, of the thing with the turtles?
John: I did.
John: It's lovely.
John: I love to see turtles and I love to see them on glassware and I love turtles.
Merlin: I just love them.
Merlin: This store sold everything, including ukuleles and Vincent price, idol heads.
Merlin: They weren't branded Vincent price, but they all had turtles.
Merlin: Well, I didn't see them all, but, um, and so I woke up this morning.
Merlin: Yeah.
John: Thank you.
John: Sorry.
John: You had to wait.
John: I'm so embarrassed.
Merlin: Were you checking your email?
John: Sort of.
John: You know, I'm here.
John: I'm using the preview function on the Mac to take these pictures of MILFs and cut out Donald Trump.
John: I'm thinking about musicians I'd like to fan.
John: I'm just like, get him out.
John: Get him out.
John: But you can't get him all out because his belly and his shoes are still in it.
So then...
Merlin: I wish we were allowed to talk about it.
Merlin: His pores are getting pretty big.
Merlin: His pores look like a driving range at this point.
Merlin: So I get up and I'm getting my stuff together.
Merlin: Don't Trump shame.
Merlin: Oh, I know.
Merlin: You know that hurts everybody.
Merlin: When you talk about what a hypocrite is in funny ways.
Merlin: Well, anyway, now I feel terrible saying it, except I don't.
Merlin: And so I'm fixing to head out and I'm saying, okay, see you later.
Merlin: And my lady's there working.
Merlin: And because this big thing, you know, you have the TV on the background sometimes when you're typing.
Merlin: And she goes, so Maggie Haberman.
Merlin: I was like, oh, what did Maggie say?
Merlin: She goes, I guess Maggie Haberman was in the courtroom and says, it looked like he was falling asleep.
Merlin: and was maybe drooling a little bit.
Merlin: Oh, drooling.
Merlin: You still got it, Maggie.
Merlin: You can take the girl off of page six, but you can't take the page six out of the girl.
John: Now, wait a minute.
John: I'm starting to understand something.
John: This is something in your marriage.
John: You and your lady talk about the news.
Merlin: Sometimes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
John: Wow, okay.
Merlin: My wife gets something.
Merlin: I don't think she's on Twitter anymore, but there's a phrase I've used for probably at least five years.
Merlin: We're always, and this is known, but I'll say, you know, Madeline, she gets, like, one thing I say a lot about people, like my friend Alex, like, I think Alex gets a different internet than I do.
Merlin: Alex gets a sadder and weirder internet than I do and seeks out weird things.
Merlin: My wife gets a sadder internet than I do.
Merlin: And my wife gets something that I call sad Twitter.
Merlin: We're all here in the noise.
Merlin: We'll be sitting there and we're watching Taskmaster or something.
Merlin: And I hear, aww.
Merlin: And I'm like, sad Twitter?
Merlin: She goes, yeah...
Merlin: Somebody put a baby in a trebuchet, and then the trebuchet fell off a boat, and the water sat on fire.
John: And I'm like, oh, God, that's horrible.
John: No, no, no, no.
Merlin: We talk about that stuff, yeah.
John: I talk to people all the time that have a very different Instagram than I do.
John: Their Instagram is throwing up all kinds of merry shit.
Merlin: Did you watch that Brandy Whatchamacallit thing?
Merlin: brandy whatchamacallit brandy never mind never mind never mind never mind there's just there's it's one of those things where like i find out like how deeply out of the loop i am there's a thing on hbo that just came out about this brand called which we used to call a company a company called brandy melville and it's like
Merlin: Oh my God.
Merlin: It's, it's just, it's this a hundred percent like Instagram driven company and it's really, really dark.
Merlin: And what it does to girls is really, so the most, here's everything you need to know about Brandy Melville.
Merlin: It's a very popular brand among popular girls.
Merlin: And can I tell you what you need to know?
Merlin: Are they mean or are they just popular?
Merlin: Cause some popular girls are nice.
Merlin: Yeah, no, they're mean pretty girls whose hair flies around in the wind.
Merlin: And here's what you need to know about Brandy Melville is they have one size.
Merlin: Oh, no!
Merlin: That's the worst thing I ever heard!
Merlin: Okay, so John, John, John, holy fuck.
Merlin: John, I think you get it.
Merlin: Oh, I'm so not!
Merlin: John, you get it.
Merlin: You just got it.
Merlin: So much faster than almost anybody.
Merlin: Because what does it mean if you have one size?
John: Because...
John: Oh, it's killing me.
Merlin: They started out saying one size fits all.
Merlin: And some people said, you know what?
Merlin: Because these are clothes for girls.
John: These are clothes for 13-year-old girls.
Merlin: Then they said one size fits most.
Merlin: And then finally, you know what they changed it to?
Merlin: One size.
Merlin: Fuck you!
John: Did you watch it?
Merlin: One size either fits you or it doesn't.
Merlin: Holy fucking shit, John.
Merlin: Yes, yes.
Merlin: And so then, ergo, why are you in the store?
Merlin: Because if you're not the one size.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah.
John: No, you see this all over the world.
John: I mean, airplane seats are only one size.
Merlin: Oh, fuck me.
Merlin: You know, it feels great.
Merlin: It feels great.
Merlin: I don't know.
Merlin: I don't like talking.
John: Oh, no, that's not true.
John: There are three sizes.
John: There's the shit size.
John: It's slightly less shit size.
John: It's called tourist slightly less shit size.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: We were at a national park because my kid is – it doesn't matter.
Merlin: We went to get a bunch of stamps for the passport and went to all the national parks.
John: Oh, cool.
John: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.
John: They give you the passports.
John: You get the stamps for the parks.
John: Those are so cool.
John: That's cool.
John: I got to say that's cool.
Merlin: Yeah, they drove all the way to Volcano.
Merlin: Is it called Volcano?
Merlin: Yeah, Volcano.
Merlin: They went to Volcano.
Merlin: It seems weird that it doesn't have an article.
John: Volcano Hawaii.
Merlin: So we're there, and actually on the way there, we're pulling in, and Billy goes, oh.
Merlin: uh, there's a crack on the runway.
Merlin: And I was like, what?
Merlin: Cause we're getting ready to fly out of, uh, they call it Hawaii proper, big, big Island.
Merlin: And, and, um, and Billy goes, uh, there's a crack on the, on the, uh, runway.
Merlin: And I'm like, what?
Merlin: Cause my kid, my kid is so much better at internet than I am.
Merlin: It's really insanely.
Merlin: And goes, yeah, yeah.
Merlin: Uh, apparently like 20, half an hour ago, they just closed the KO, KOA is the code.
Merlin: They just, uh, it's not Hilo, but Kona.
Merlin: They just closed the Kona airport because there's a crack.
Merlin: And they think it'll be open again in an hour.
Merlin: And I was like, what, the airport or the crack?
Merlin: The airport.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: What you don't want is the crack open.
Merlin: It happened in January.
Merlin: This whole thing is scheduled to be completely torn up and replaced.
Merlin: In January it happened and it was over two days.
Merlin: Thousands of people were displaced.
Merlin: I found out later that, quote, from one of the people arriving at this place that one of the United Air people said, oh, you know, the mayor's plane had to land.
Merlin: So they got it done really fast.
Merlin: Ooh.
John: But while I was at it, I pulled up my.
John: That happened here in Seattle, too, and the mayor lost in the next election for that.
John: Interesting.
John: Yeah, yeah, that's right.
John: Write the headline you want to see.
John: But you know, the thing about, and I have been caught in Hawaii because of snafus.
John: You do not have a lot of options for things there.
John: No, you don't.
John: But it can be great if you can push, if you can say, as you and I like to do.
Merlin: If you're prepared for it and you've been lucky.
Merlin: Like if you have a kid who's almost out of ear medicine or something, that wouldn't be fun.
John: But have you ever been on vacation where you're like, oh, you're packing up and you're like, if we just had two more days.
Merlin: Oh, for sure.
Merlin: Kind of every vacation, right?
Merlin: But we stayed in an Airbnb.
Merlin: And something I angrily correctly posted is that from a certain point of view, an Airbnb is a situation where you pay a very wealthy person over $1,000 to thoroughly clean their house.
Merlin: And then in return, you get to turn off their motion smoothing on the TV and sleep there for a few nights.
Yeah.
Merlin: Oh, motion smoothing.
Merlin: I've never spent so much time cleaning a house as following the directions.
Merlin: But then the funny part was, though, I just wanted to tell you, John, and I'll send you a shot of this.
Merlin: So this information comes up, and I say, well, God, thanks, Billy.
Merlin: That's really good to know.
Merlin: But is it, though?
Merlin: Is it good to know?
Merlin: I mean, it is something to know.
Merlin: It's too much to explain, but we had a little bit of like a rally to get through here of leaving one place.
Merlin: We had an appointment to do another thing.
Merlin: We wanted to get a thing at this park.
Merlin: We had one to go to dinner at this one place.
Merlin: So we had these five things where we, you know, kind of, there was a little bit of, I don't know if that's the right word for it, but a rally.
Merlin: It wasn't a race, but we had to be at a certain place, not before and not after a certain time.
Merlin: And that happened four times that day.
Merlin: So it was a little, you know what I mean?
Merlin: That kind of scheduling thing.
John: That's the thing that's happening more and more on vacation.
John: We have to schedule stuff and
John: It's like, oh, you can't come to this museum unless you have a reservation.
Merlin: Yeah, right.
Merlin: Well, I don't need to send this to you, except I pulled up my preferred, if you don't have this app, you should get it.
Merlin: It's worth it.
Merlin: It's called Flighty.
Merlin: It's a really, really good traveling app.
John: What does it do?
John: What does it do?
Merlin: Well, it does lots of things.
Merlin: It does lots of that flight tracking stuff that other apps do, but it has two things the other ones don't have, which is one, it's beautifully designed.
Merlin: I actually give to one of those flight trackers.
Merlin: It's a Flight Tracker 24.
Merlin: I give them money every year.
Merlin: Yeah, there you go.
Merlin: Eels.
Merlin: But this one, one thing that's neat about it, John, is if there's the kind, so if you get, obviously, if you're on the plane and you want to know what's happening with your connecting flight or whatever, if you've bought Wi-Fi and it has Wi-Fi, for example, the flight we got back, people who bought Wi-Fi couldn't use it because like, oh, sorry, like it's over the Pacific Ocean.
Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah, but if you've got the kind that even has free texting, Flighty has somehow figured out this thing.
Merlin: I'm not going to begin to try and explain it.
John: Is it a backdoor?
John: Is it a backdoor, Merlin?
Merlin: Not technically, but for practical purposes, yes.
Merlin: They figured out how to piggyback via text messaging that is not even text messaging.
John: Upset, Merlin, don't out them.
John: I know.
John: This is what happens.
Merlin: This is like when I say something cools up on YouTube, and then it goes down, you know?
Merlin: But I did pull it up, and I see here it says the plane we're taking, let's see, we've got four years old.
John: There's a tail number.
John: A lot of them are 30 years old.
Merlin: Yeah, this one's a Boeing 737 MAX 9.
Merlin: Yeah, that's how they do you.
Merlin: It's one of the Italian ones.
Merlin: Boeing 737 MAX 9.
John: Whatever you do, do not Google Boeing 737 MAX 9.
Merlin: Well, if you're a pilot trying to figure out why you can't get the nose of the plane to come back up, let's say for the sake of argument, you're a Lion Air pilot and you're in Ethiopia.
Merlin: And you're like, what the fuck?
John: Why is this not for a plane?
Merlin: It's funny because I'm trying to take off and the plane, I'm pretty strong.
Merlin: These three of us in this cockpit.
John: No, it's fly by wire.
John: They didn't read the instructions.
John: Do you know about that?
John: It wasn't in Ethiopian.
John: Do you know what happened though?
John: Yeah, the plane went into the ground.
Merlin: Yeah, and they didn't train them on it.
Merlin: Right.
Merlin: They had not.
Merlin: No, that's the key part.
Merlin: Wasn't in the manual.
Merlin: They put it in the software, but had not trained the pilots to know, like, what was happening.
Merlin: That's why you don't want to write it.
John: You know, I flew on a 787 two times in the last seven, eight, seven.
Merlin: They make those.
John: Yeah.
John: oh yeah they do and they're great they're great they have um merlin the windows instead of pull down shades they have a button and you push it and the and the window itself becomes darker until it is a dark dark green blue which probably also gives you a lot more flexibility it's very nice it's very nice
Merlin: Why don't little kids have the shade open anymore?
Merlin: When I was a little kid, you always had the shade open.
Merlin: You were always looking out the window.
Merlin: These little kids, if you're not looking out the window, you have not been on enough fucking flights.
Merlin: Sorry.
Merlin: You've been on too many flights, and you have no joy inside when they say... And you're like, wait, wait.
Merlin: You're not looking out the window to see what you can see from here?
Merlin: Are you crazy?
John: Sing it, sister.
John: Every time we are below 10,000 feet, I look over it.
John: At my daughter, and she is playing fucking tiddlywinks or something, looking at a screen.
John: Probably e-winks.
John: I'm like, hey, look out the window.
Merlin: How about this?
Merlin: Count the baseball fields and infer what that means about the population.
Merlin: How about this?
John: Look at the way the farms are dispersed.
John: Every headlight you see is someone going home.
John: Can you handle this?
John: Can you handle this?
John: Every headlight you see is someone going home.
John: What can you learn from the sky?
Merlin: Even if you don't know where you are, or especially if you don't know where you are, when you look down, what can you learn about, you could say the world, but honestly, I'm doing some Encyclopedia Brown shit.
Merlin: Look at the rivers.
Merlin: Look at the lakes.
Merlin: They're all there.
Merlin: Why is that one road that way?
Merlin: Why is that one road like if you like shaped like that?
Merlin: Well, you understand that on a mountain.
Merlin: But yeah, why is it like that?
Merlin: And like where are the farms laid out in those particular divisions?
John: Look at that neighborhood.
John: See how small their yards are?
John: Then look at the neighborhood across the street.
Merlin: Oh yeah, how about this?
Merlin: And look at the neighborhood over there.
Merlin: They've got even bigger yards.
Merlin: Look at all the, okay, this is a good one.
Merlin: Giant, giant houses on very small like quarter acre plots of land.
Merlin: What does that tell you?
John: I don't know.
Merlin: Well, I don't know.
Merlin: Think about it because that might be kind of an interesting thing to think about.
John: to have a lot of these are interesting things to think about that they are missing out on because they're playing e-winks and i say get get your eyes get your hands and get your head get your mind right get your put your hands on the glass that's right look out the window and see the world god damn it that's right and she'll do it until i look away and then when i look back she's back playing e-winks any any any kid cop playing e-winks while the shades up it's night in the box
John: You know, they used to give you a deck of cards and a little set of plastic wings.
Merlin: Half a deck of cards.
John: You had to share it with another kid.
Merlin: They give you a McCall's magazine in a thick plastic cover?
Merlin: You were lucky to get a McCall's.
Merlin: You might end up with the financial time.
Merlin: Sure there's a movie on this flight in your head.
Merlin: They used to project it on the wall.
Merlin: We didn't even have movie theaters then.
Merlin: No, they had a zoetrope they'd pass around.
Merlin: You watch the zoetrope for a second, you give it to the next kid, and then he'd give you half his cards.
John: No, it's crazy.
John: It's crazy.
John: But, you know, I read something two weeks ago that said, oh, Boeing employees are coming out saying the 787 is going to explode in the air.
John: And I was like, I didn't need to know that.
John: I'm not going to cancel my flight because of it.
John: So now I'm sitting on the 787.
John: I'm looking around to what part of it is going to explode at 35,000 feet.
John: I don't want to know.
Merlin: I know enough to be dangerous in the sense that I have watched some – I've watched several documentaries.
Merlin: I think we talked about this.
Merlin: Several – how it breaks my heart about Boeing because what do we say here?
Merlin: One of the great American companies.
Merlin: One of the great – Used to be.
Merlin: Used to be.
Merlin: And then you say used to be.
Merlin: Yeah, right.
Merlin: You know.
Merlin: You know that better than anybody.
John: I do.
John: They displaced warehouses.
John: They're all living here in my neighborhood.
John: All the people with slide rules that just, every once in a while, they open the desk drawer, they look at their slide rule, they sigh deeply, and then they close the desk drawer.
Merlin: And from the next room, they hear click, click, click, because the kid's playing with the e-slide rule.
John: Yeah, exactly.
Merlin: Kids are like, why do I even need a slide rule?
Merlin: Can I just use the calculator?
Merlin: No.
Merlin: But, yeah, I watched a couple documentaries about that.
Merlin: And, yeah, I mean, I said to somebody the other day, I was talking about the, what was the other one?
Merlin: Oh, the door.
Merlin: There was the door thing.
Merlin: And, like, how does that get through QA?
Merlin: Like, that kind of stuff.
Merlin: And it's like, I just, I...
Merlin: I don't have any insider information on this, but I have a feeling this is far from over because it strikes me that the kind of problems, I hate saying this because I love this company, but I think the kinds of problems, the kinds of results that we're seeing don't come from a bad day or three.
Merlin: That's right.
Merlin: I think the kinds of problems we're seeing come from – A corporate culture.
Merlin: I know.
Merlin: I'm trying to avoid buzzwords.
Merlin: But what I'm saying is if you get a new boss in there and say like, well – Same as the old boss.
Merlin: I know.
Merlin: And we worship somebody.
Merlin: And you get it across to people like, yeah, just spend less on stuff and like, I don't know.
John: Are you familiar with the concept of late stage capitalism?
John: Because I've been reading a lot about it on Twitter for the last 15 years.
Merlin: Okay.
Merlin: I mean, do I need to have seen early stage capitalism or is it a cinematic universe?
John: Mid-stage cinematic capitalist universe.
Merlin: Mid-stage capitalism is 1962.
Merlin: I like it.
Merlin: No, you tell me what's mid-stage.
Merlin: For you, what's mid-stage?
Merlin: Oh, geez.
Merlin: It kind of has to be pre-Vietnam.
John: I would say immediately after World War II.
John: 1945 is when we got... Is it Eisenhower's speech?
John: Yeah, probably.
John: It's when we started building the 1955 Chevy.
John: So 10 years later, 10 years later, the 1955 Chevy was the beginning of mid-stage capitalism.
Merlin: I know the famous one from two years later.
Merlin: And I know that Bob Seger says they were making Thunderbirds.
Merlin: They were long, ptolemy, and fast.
Merlin: Well, they were making Thunderbirds, he said.
John: If you look at the 55 compared to the 57, it's just everything is subtler on it.
Merlin: I think it's a very attractive vehicle.
Merlin: Don't forget the Motor City.
John: They used to change cars every one or two years.
John: That's how capitalism it was.
John: You want your car to look like a spaceship with sharp edges.
John: I still do.
John: I still do, but they don't make one except for Elon Musk.
John: Oh, I'm sorry.
John: I mentioned his name.
Merlin: Didn't you get those like we talked about?
Merlin: Yeah, I know.
Merlin: Now, yeah, exactly.
Merlin: He's like Candyman.
John: Yeah.
Yeah.
John: What do you want to talk about?
John: Well, let's see.
John: I was in Germany yesterday.
John: Okay.
John: That was pretty interesting.
John: Like physically?
John: They're still doing stuff over there, interesting things.
John: I mean, as interesting as they ever were, but interesting.
John: I would much prefer to talk about that.
John: Yeah, well, I mean, that's all I really had to say about it.
John: It's interesting to go other places.
John: Have you watched The Zone of Interest yet?
Merlin: I know it's in Poland, not Germany, but have you watched The Zone of Interest yet?
Merlin: I did watch The Zone of Interest.
Merlin: Did you have audio where you could really hear it?
Merlin: I did hear it.
Merlin: It sounds like you have mixed feelings about it.
John: No, no, the audio was a massive part of the show.
John: It's kind of like that scene where you hear old Egon Chuntz killing the guy at the front desk, and you're like, wow, okay.
John: But it was like that.
John: It was like that through the whole movie.
Merlin: Just the way it picks up slowly.
Merlin: Obviously, the scene where the woman slams the window shut.
Merlin: But on my second viewing, I was... You've seen it twice.
Merlin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merlin: No, I think it's astonishing.
Merlin: Especially after I learned how it was filmed.
Merlin: Have you learned how it was filmed?
John: No, I didn't know anything about it because I only watched it yesterday.
John: Now that's interesting.
John: You watched a movie about a family in Poland.
John: I came to it completely accidentally.
John: I was on the plane.
John: I was like, look, I don't want to watch any scary movies.
John: And I don't want to watch the Barbie movie again.
John: And I don't.
John: I tried to watch the Napoleon movie.
John: I got halfway through and I was like, I got to get out.
John: I can't be in this movie.
John: It's terrible.
John: And I know there are people that watched it that are like, this is amazing.
John: Because on my flight, at least, it had a 100% thumbs up rating.
John: but i really i turned it on i watched five minutes of and i was like i can't watch this and i turned it off and then i realized that my flight had 10 more hours to go and i was like all right well you could have really used that yeah i could have it's three hours long and i watched it i watched it about i don't know how far i watched it up to uh maybe not even up to waterloo and i was like
John: Yeah.
John: Didn't even make it to Waterloo.
John: Huh.
Merlin: But then at a certain point... You had to elbow your way out?
John: I'm flipping through the channels.
John: I'm looking at stuff.
John: I'm like, I've already played all the trivia games and all the Solitares that are on.
John: Can I ask what your line was?
John: Are you comfortable with that?
John: Well, so... Oh!
John: So, I booked it because this was one of those... It was 10 o'clock on New Year's Eve.
John: And my daughter's mother slash partner said, you know, Delta is going to cancel all your your your COVID flights that they've been kicking down the road for three years.
John: They're going to cancel them all.
John: Wait a minute.
Merlin: Wait a minute.
Merlin: I understand this.
Merlin: Here's one thing I know is that all horses age a year on January 1st.
Merlin: The other thing I think I can.
Merlin: And that's true in Korea, too.
Merlin: Everybody gets one year older on New Year's Eve.
Merlin: That's so much easier.
Merlin: Also, did you know the queen has two birthdays?
Merlin: Well, I mean, RIP.
Merlin: But yeah, the monarch has two birthdays.
Merlin: But you're saying, so your partner mother says, hey, John, FYI, all that stuff you've been racking up that's like in some kind of like that weird, it's not really a plus, it's not really a minus, it's in your like, you're in this liminal plane column, like all those numbers go away in a day.
Yep.
John: That's right.
John: And so it was 10 o'clock at night, and I went on my Delta app, and sure enough, not only had all these tickets that I didn't get to use in 2020, but all the things from 2019 that they had kicked into 2021, and they'd just been kicking them the whole time, and they were saying, these are going bye-bye.
John: And also, BTW, we didn't send you an email about this.
John: Yeah.
Merlin: Yeah, that's one of those things where like they're so happy to talk to you on like November 22nd.
Merlin: But like, you know, like with Black Friday stuff or, you know, there's times you get so much email and other times where it's like, you know, that would have been really good to know.
John: Yeah, you know, that would have been nice.
John: So anyway, I was just buying tickets like crazy because Delta had $3,500 of real American money in my name in their site that was going to go away in two hours.
John: and i said i cannot let you do this to me you you john that that must that feels like that would really grind your gears oh you darn late stage capitalists to you with your with your little oh yeah i'm gonna write that down i gotta come back to finding out what that is and so i i was like well well when is my daughter's uh spring break and we looked it up and i said all right we're going to london
John: And I bought tickets to London.
John: What, the three of you?
John: Yeah.
John: Wow.
John: And I said, okay, what else?
John: Oh, and then the airline screwed me.
John: They were like, oh, that's all fine and good, except you can only use this money to buy tickets for yourself.
John: So now you owe us for two other tickets to London.
John: Tell me how that's not a scam.
Merlin: And I was like, you late-stage capitalist little gamers.
Merlin: So is that an example of late—what just happened there?
Merlin: Just so I know from my notes, because I'm going to find out what this means.
Merlin: Is that an example of late-stage capitalism?
Merlin: Oh, no, no.
Merlin: I don't think so.
Merlin: No, no, I don't know.
Merlin: But it strikes me.
Merlin: I don't know much about it.
Merlin: But it seems like one thing people say a lot with late-stage capitalism is that's how they get you.
John: That is how they get you.
John: And I think what it is, is it's a lot of eels.
John: Yeah.
John: And it's a lot of bad production of things because everything's been outsourced.
John: And it's a lot of, you know, and it's all the old capitalism.
John: Like your playing cards.
John: Am I right, Sean?
John: Yeah, that's right.
John: anyway so then i was like um um um i'll go to austin because i got a lot of people there and i got a lot of work i could do so i bought a ticket to austin but it turned out later uh my daughter's mother slash partner said oh i'm going to be in san francisco that week and so you can't go to austin and so now i've got a ticket to austin that i have to change again and
John: and uh then i oh and then i and i and i wrote dan benjamin i was like hey i'm coming to austin i'd love to see you while i'm there radio silence nothing just wind and so then i bought a ticket to anchorage in the summer and i'm like i got no reason to be up there except ah my cousin libby's there and i guess i could wander around and see some high school friends but i'm just trying to spend this money
Merlin: So I totally, I totally know what you're talking about.
Merlin: It's like any kind of like, like a Disney dollars type situation.
Merlin: It's Disney dollars.
Merlin: We were like, okay, well, once I leave here, all of this thing that was real money that I had in my life and then spent like, it's, it is abstract, but it's not, it's that money's gone.
Merlin: And now if I don't find some way to expend this, I'm going to be kind of mad at myself.
John: You got 50 pounds or 50 euros in your pocket.
John: What are you going to do with them?
John: Yeah, I mean, I used to keep them all in a box because I knew I was going back there, but I'm not going back there.
John: Yeah, but when?
John: Tomorrow?
John: No.
John: You have changed a lot.
John: Anyway, so when it came to time to check into the Delta flight,
John: I check in and they say, oh, because I pay a little bit more for the slightly fatter seats.
John: And since I'm using fake.
John: Like economy plus.
John: Yeah, I get the plus because it's like, come on.
John: It really is nicer.
John: I'm a big man.
John: I can't sit back.
John: And so they say, oh, here are your seats.
John: There are two middle seats and a window seat.
John: and i go what the what because the whole time i'd been trying to do my seat uh choice the delta app was like sorry that's not available at this time come back later yes yes and so so
Merlin: I think I've gotten that with United precisely with trying to, I say upgrade, but really to just say like, well, what's available in premium?
Merlin: And like, they really want you to, it's almost like a Dutch auction where they really want you to pay the premium for whatever a given seat costs.
Merlin: And we'll take as long as possible to show you options for something that's not the most premium price.
Merlin: And then limit the amount of time that's available.
Merlin: Don't you feel?
John: Well, absolutely.
John: And in this case, I got on line and got redirected to a chat bot.
John: And I said, chat bot, you got to help me with this.
John: And chat bot was like, am I correct that you are asking for a thing that you cannot have?
John: And I was like, I think you are.
John: And they were like, sorry, log off.
John: And so then I was like, chatbot, you got to put me in touch with somebody.
John: And eventually I followed, like you were saying, the Dutch auction.
John: I followed four Dutch auctions to get somebody on the phone.
John: And I was like, WTF, person.
John: And person said, oh, this flight is being operated by Virgin.
John: It's a Delta partner.
John: And so if you had wanted to... Is that part of the Star Alliance, John?
John: Seats were available for the... And then this person honestly said this.
John: Seats on this plane have been reservable for the last 330 days.
John: Mm-hmm.
John: And I was like, uh-huh.
John: And they said all you had to do was A. They're just saying facts, kind of.
John: I thought you were just saying facts.
John: That's right.
John: These are facts.
John: All you had to do was A, know that this was a Virgin Flight, although you're buying it through the Delta app.
John: You had to know that it was Virgin Flight.
John: They're fine to let you assume it's theirs until it's beneficial to not.
John: Two, you had to download the Virgin app because that's the only place you can do this work, this important work of choosing your seat.
John: You fucked up.
John: And having not done, oh, and you had to start an account.
John: You had to have a Virgin account also, a Virgin Atlantic account.
John: And so I was, as you can imagine... Were you frustrated?
John: I was so frustrated.
John: And it was one of those where I was... You know this happens to me all the time, where I just collapsed in the chair, like my dad used to do, where all the energy goes out of... Like your father before you.
John: My dad, he would sometimes, all the energy would go out of his body, and he would just... He would turn in...
John: to a giant sack of flour and he would just go, I do, you know, I cannot, he can't, he cannot.
John: And all I turned into a sack of flour and I said, I work so hard and do, I'm not saying I work so hard and so I deserve whatever.
John: I'm saying I work so hard to not be in this situation, precisely this situation.
Merlin: My whole life has been, in some ways for me, my whole life is based on excelling at not being in this situation.
Merlin: This situation precisely.
Merlin: I can promise you that, and that's like when I get so frustrated, especially with travel, when people say things like, why didn't you just, dot, dot, dot.
John: Why didn't you just?
Merlin: Well, I can promise you that whatever you as an idiot and person who thinks they're smart is saying, why don't you just, which is again, a classic dumb guy thing to say.
Merlin: No, ask anybody who knows me.
Merlin: This is a problem for me, how much it's critical to me to never be in the situation that I am in right now.
Merlin: This would not have happened.
Merlin: This could not have happened unless you guys were being dicks.
John: yeah i and i said that to to my helper my friendly helper i was like you cannot know how much this is not the result of my neglect or intransigence because i am single-mindedly focused on this never happening and so for it to have happened it has to have been a result of some byzantine
John: process that oh that seems logical to you that only seems logical to you how could what fine print did i need to read which they probably never had to personally deal with themselves not that that's good as you said that that other episode where it's like apple people the person that designed this they don't get the iCloud they never confront it iCloud so so what i and and and in this moment
John: uh where i was a sack of flour i actually did the thing that i know is even less likely to produce results which is that i got in my car and i drove to the airport
John: The airport is only five minutes from my house.
John: But I know for a fact this will do nothing.
Merlin: This will do nothing.
Merlin: It's like God had decided you could be tried by Satan remotely by Zoom.
Merlin: And you said, no, I'd rather drive to hell.
Merlin: I'm going to drive directly to hell.
Merlin: I can make a difference if I'm there.
Merlin: And as somebody who was in an airport, I don't know.
Merlin: My time is so fucked up right now.
Merlin: We've had an overnight flight.
Merlin: But it's just like, oh, let me tell you, bud.
Merlin: The crack, the one hour and a half or two hours, there were people, so our flight was at 1045.
Merlin: There were so many people with little kids who were there for spring break.
Merlin: And, like, they missed the one o'clock flight, and they didn't make it onto this one either at 1045 p.m.
Merlin: No.
Merlin: It's you know, like what are you what are you gonna do?
Merlin: So I'm sorry go anyway, so you should be able to say you should put it on the back of your driver's license You should have let's say One to three things printed on the back of your driver's license that are the thing you've told the government you would do anything to avoid and
Merlin: And then, so people don't think you're just going like, it drives me crazy to like have prepared for something and over prepared for something.
Merlin: And then being, you should be able to flip your license over and say, that's one of my things.
Merlin: And so this is one of my things.
Merlin: That's exactly what you should have on your driver's license.
Merlin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merlin: Or like, I don't like seeing animals in danger.
Merlin: Like whatever it is, whatever your thing is, you should have it on your license and be able to say no, no.
Merlin: And it stops right then.
John: Yeah.
John: Don't, don't yuck this particular young animals in danger and I do not want to sit in a middle seat on a 10 hour flight.
John: And I was saying this, uh, the other day on, uh, on, uh, on the discourse conversation where I was like, look, I know that one version of what looks like equality to you.
John: is that everybody has to go through airport security the exact same way.
John: That looks like equality.
John: That looks like equity or whatever.
John: But one of those people in that line is a salesman who flies 180 times a year.
John: And one of the people in that line has never been on a fucking airplane before, and they're already 80 years old.
Merlin: They have a 55-gallon drum of water and a rocket launcher.
John: Yeah, and seven different kinds of lotion in their bag, all in different pockets.
John: They're wearing like a Domino Bandit mask.
John: And so you're saying that equality in this country looks like this salesman who flies 170 times a year needs to stand in line behind this person with seven gallons of hand lotion in their bag, who's never been out of the house before.
John: They're bed shape.
John: And that somehow makes the world a fairer place?
John: No, this person should have a fucking, this salesman in brown shoes who sells tractor parts should have a completely separate terminal.
John: That person should never encounter the other.
Merlin: Oh, it should be a true Maritoc.
Merlin: Once you can, maybe that's on the back of your license now, you've shown that you can get, you know, you've kept up on what isn't in, what isn't in, it is in or out of the bag, which is different every time I fly now.
Merlin: Used to be I knew all these things.
Merlin: Do your shoes come off?
Merlin: Kids who are in this line, do they go through the laser scanner?
Merlin: Like all these things.
Merlin: You know all of that.
Merlin: You're ready to go.
Merlin: You're like, you know, and Dan Benjamin, our friend, prides himself on this.
Merlin: When I say prides himself, he really despises the whole world that isn't as good at this as he is and talks about it really quite a lot on our program.
Merlin: I wouldn't know.
Merlin: You know?
Merlin: You used to know.
Merlin: So, yes.
Merlin: Put that on the license.
Merlin: You get salesman's prima noctis salesman movies.
John: Yeah, it's just like you look at the license and it's like, do you need corrective lenses?
John: Can you drive a motorcycle?
John: Have you ever used a jake brake?
John: It's all on your license.
Merlin: Oh, my God.
Merlin: What's a jake brake?
Merlin: I saw that phrase for the first time last week and neither Madeline nor I knew what it was.
Merlin: It says no jake brakes.
Merlin: What's that mean?
John: You're kidding.
Merlin: You never saw that before?
Merlin: Well, it says no.
Merlin: It was like, no, it's a Hawaii sign.
Merlin: They have so many signs in Hawaii.
Merlin: Oh, it's Hawaii.
Merlin: And it was something that said, no something and no Jake breaks.
Merlin: I was guessing it had to do with either trucks or golf carts.
John: It has to do with trucks.
John: It is, instead of wearing out, because trucks are very heavy and they come down mountains.
John: That's true.
John: And instead of wearing out their breaks.
John: And instead of also wearing out their transmissions, what it does is it puts the engine in a posture where you are decelerating due to engine compression.
John: And it's what happens when you hear trucks on highways go...
Merlin: That's different than the transmission.
Merlin: So I'm thinking of like going down a hill on my bus and getting into second gear because you really need to be in second gear.
Merlin: You're not going to do it just with 1970 Volkswagen bus brakes.
Merlin: You know what I mean?
Merlin: So it's different from that because then it's the engine compression that's slowing it down.
Merlin: But this is something different.
John: It's something that's in trucks.
John: And the reason those signs say that is because of that terrible sound that trucks make.
Merlin: We're going to wake up all these people in an early tee time.
John: yeah that's right it's you know this is hawaii this is a nice place you know we're trying to make a nice place here don't use your jake brakes and you used to see those signs all the time but these days it's all digital you know it's all digital i'm sure that all e-brakes it's all e-brakes all the time and i'm sure it's e-winks and these guys but you know what there's probably some computer in their truck cab
John: And the truck cab flashes some sign at him.
John: It's like, no Jake brakes, speed limit 30.
John: And you don't even have a sign anymore.
John: Anyway, I went to the airport and I walked up like a sack of flour, already pre-defeated because I wanted to show them how defeated I was.
John: And I was like, look, a normal person who is just going to accept their seat assignment because they're too dumb is not going to drive to the airport to plead with you.
John: And I got three Delta employees, all of them, the nicest people.
John: And they said what I knew they were going to say.
John: I had it memorized.
John: I said it to them before they said it to me, which is seat assignments are not available to us.
John: And, and there's nothing you can do until one hour before the flight.
Merlin: And I said it out loud.
Merlin: At that point, it's when you're up on the board with the first three letters of your last name.
Merlin: That's when it's happening, right?
John: The only people who can make that decision after they close seat assignments, whenever, whatever, is the gate agent.
John: So the next day I got to the airport.
John: What to me was an outrageously early time.
John: What, 20 minutes before the flight?
John: Three hours before the flight.
John: I'm proud of you.
John: Now welcome to Merlin country.
John: I know.
John: I know.
John: And it was not easy, but I did.
John: And I had the whole family there and I had all the bags and everything and whatever the, you know, the parrot in a cage and the poodle in a fucking harness.
John: This is my emotional support partner.
John: And I said to the virgin employee, not at the gate, but out on the other side of the wall, I found a virgin employee and I said, listen, I know that the gate agent doesn't have
John: The gate agent's the only one that can help me.
John: I know you can't help me.
John: I know it.
John: So I'm not asking you for anything except for one thing.
John: Will you send a message to the gate agent telling them I'm on the way?
John: And she said, it's only three hours before the flight.
John: The gate seating thing has been open for four hours because people are there for blah, blah, blah.
John: It's an international flight.
John: And I was like, okay, now you've got my heart racing.
John: Will you do this one thing?
John: Will you send a message?
John: I know you can do this.
John: Send a message to the gate agent just telling them that I exist.
Okay.
John: I don't want you to ask them for anything.
John: I just want you to tell them that I exist.
John: And she said, yeah, I'll do that.
John: And she took out her phone and she texted somebody.
John: And so I went through security and I went through the, you have to take a train out to that gate and I'm towing my whole family and a parrot in a cage and we're, we've made it through four Dutch auctions on the way there and
John: And I walked up to this gate.
John: All to the click of e-winks the whole time.
John: E-winks the whole time.
John: And a jig break in the distance.
John: And I get out there, and the gate is like freaking Tatooine.
John: You know, it's just like a spaceport.
Merlin: Well, John, you might be, I don't know how to describe this, but you might be two flights ahead of how that gate is used.
Merlin: Like, I've gotten, I have frequently, probably unlike you, I'm guessing, I've gotten, we've all gotten to gates before there's people there.
Merlin: But have you ever gotten there before there's people there for one flight that's not your flight?
Merlin: Oh, for sure.
Merlin: You might have been one or two flights ahead.
Merlin: You might have had nobody for a different flight there.
John: I only see these because I sometimes am in a posture where I have a connecting flight.
John: I would never do this if this was my home airport.
John: But if I have a connecting flight, yeah, I see this.
John: I'm all the time showing up at a thing and it's like, oh, well, this flight is going to Kinshasa.
John: Your flight isn't here for three hours.
John: And I'm like, well, I'm just going to watch this Kinshasa flight because this is awful cool.
John: Like watching somebody else's flight.
John: Is that Zaire?
John: kinshasa i'm not sure zaire but i mean like i bet it's people dressed very in very interesting ways oh well that's the thing right exactly i mean uh kinshasa is in the democratic uh of congo um but uh and when you said zaire it just reminded me of that wonderful scene from rumble in the jungle where uh
Merlin: Oh, the George Foreman Muhammad Ali movie?
John: Yeah, one guy makes a very stoned joke that hinges on the word Zaire.
John: Oh, gosh.
John: I'm not going to repeat it now.
John: No, that was still when it was middle stage capitalism.
John: Yeah, that was middle stage capitalism.
John: So I get there, and it's a freaking zoo.
John: I mean, whatever flight it is that's going from Seattle to London.
John: John, were there people standing there even though it wasn't their time to board?
John: Oh, it wasn't.
John: It was three hours to boarding.
John: Of course.
John: But you still want to be right there.
John: There were people everywhere.
John: Remember when they call group three?
John: You want to be ready?
John: I mean, there was a guy that looked like my favorite Martian.
John: It was like a complete scene.
Merlin: Are you talking about Ray Walston?
John: Yes!
Merlin: He's also in Toy Story 2.
Merlin: Oh, I didn't know that.
Merlin: He's the guy who says, is the specimen ready for cleaning?
Merlin: Oh.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Hmm.
Merlin: So you're there.
Merlin: What's his name?
Merlin: Isn't he also the guy from Lost in Space?
John: Lost in Space, yeah.
John: So Dr. Smith is there, ready to go to Zaire.
John: But I push past all these people.
John: I push past the tractor salesman in brown shoes.
John: I push past the fancy boys on their way to London.
John: I push past all the people that are going back to London on their way to Kinshasa.
John: It's just the whole scene.
John: And I get up to the counter.
John: Because it's 787.
John: It's a big-ass plane.
John: You can put a lot of people in there.
John: And I walk up and I say to the gate agent, hello.
John: And she says, are you John?
John: And I say, yes.
John: I was worried the person just fake texted.
John: Nope.
John: And I say, yes, it's me.
John: And she says, I have you here.
John: And she shows me a piece of paper that has my name written on it and nothing else.
Merlin: Oh, great.
John: And she says, you're at the top of my list.
Okay.
John: And I go, right on.
Merlin: You must have done something, right?
Merlin: Geez.
John: Say, here's the situation.
John: My parents went away on a week's vacation.
John: But also, I'm traveling with my family.
John: There are three of us.
John: And you have us in different rows.
John: And my 13-year-old child in a middle seat in a row different from the one I'm in.
Merlin: Okay, that one is, I would consider, personally, I know it's not the end of the world.
Merlin: I would consider a little bit of a bridge too far.
Merlin: If she was even one year younger, I would say it's absolutely a deal breaker.
John: Yeah, that's right.
John: But, but, and I'm not, listen, I'm not, I'm not gonna, I'm not.
Merlin: At this point, John, you've learned, you're presenting facts that any, you know, co-8 adult would pick up on and go, oh, well, let me see if I can fix that.
Merlin: You're not saying, I demand this.
Merlin: You're saying like, you're just giving a fact and they can figure out what you mean without you yelling.
John: That's right.
John: And I said, look, we both live in a world of facts.
John: I know the facts.
John: And I know that if I fly across the world in a middle seat with my daughter in a different row, then that is what God intends for me.
John: And I will not be mad.
John: I will be suffering, but I will not be mad.
John: I will just be suffering.
John: And she said, don't worry.
John: So, of course, I am worried.
John: And my daughter and her mother went off to buy socks that had Sleepless in Seattle written on them or whatever people do in an airport.
John: And I sat down in a chair.
John: And I'm not staring at them.
John: I'm not sweating.
Merlin: Oh, you're not nearby giving them the look like guys do?
John: Just sitting in a chair.
Merlin: Do you know, I flew 26,000 miles on this airline last year.
John: But I am watching it out of the side of my eye.
John: And I watch this gate agent ask a dozen people, hey, would you mind giving up your seat for this situation?
John: Oh, no.
John: Your faith in humanity is flying away.
John: And I hear her go on the overhead and say, will Sarah Johnson come up to the desk?
John: And then Sarah Johnson comes up.
John: They were advocating for you, John.
John: This gate agent, this wonderful gate agent, she spent some time out of her job, a job comprised of dealing with facts and figures.
John: And she asked people until somehow, and I know she's juggling because I watch people go, no way, and walk away.
John: And she didn't give up.
John: Well, she still has all the other stuff to do.
John: She had other stuff to do.
John: Now, there are three other gate agents because this is a big flight, international flight.
John: Everybody's working.
John: But she just had this on her list of things.
John: And then as we near the boarding time, she calls not me, but my daughter.
John: She says, will little Miss Roderick come up to the gate?
John: And I'm like, WTF?
John: And the gate agent never once looked over at me and gave me the high sign or a wink or anything.
John: This is not her first day.
John: And my daughter comes up, you know, she's just the age where she loves being called on an airport intercom.
John: Sure, it's like when you're getting mail for the first time, it's exciting.
John: Exactly.
John: I'm a real person.
John: She's got her first like global entry card.
John: She's like, I'm a people.
John: She walks up and the woman gives her a different, the gate agent gives her a different boarding pass.
John: And that boarding pass puts us all in the same room.
Merlin: Oh my God, that is such a nice thing to do.
Merlin: Insane.
Merlin: I mean, it sounds ridiculous, except that, boy, that's, I'm telling you, that's a big deal on an international flight.
John: This is not late stage capitalism.
John: This is goddamn humanity.
John: This gate agent has never used a Jake break in a residential neighborhood.
John: Early stage humanity.
John: And she is not an old lady.
John: She's not a MILF gate agent either.
John: She's a young person.
John: She's a millennium.
John: And I walked up and I said, hello, I saw how hard you worked at that and I started to choke up.
John: I was like, I cannot thank you enough for the fact that you made that decision.
Merlin: part of your process you flip over your license and you say look on the back of here nobody knows more than i do how much you didn't have to do that i know i know and i know i know more than almost anybody here i saw how hard you worked on that no no and seriously like i just want you to know like i i know you did not have to to quit the love and spoonful you did not have to be so nice
John: I've been to 300 gates like this with some need, some special need.
John: And I have dealt with 300 gate agents and some of them have accommodated my special needs and some of them have not.
John: But you worked at it.
John: in addition to all the other shit you had going on.
John: And I think she got other people, she had people over there and she was pointing at her screen and they were looking over her shoulder and nodding and they were talking to each other.
John: And I think that was all, it was all.
Merlin: So she might've had to do a tile puzzle.
Merlin: I thought about this when we had to change, like, you know, the thing where people get up in the middle of loading and you have to do the thing where you walk backwards and get into a seat row.
Merlin: And it's like, you know, that thing.
Merlin: And I said to something, man, it's like a tile puzzle.
Merlin: Her job is like a tile puzzle too.
Merlin: I bet that took more than one tile move.
John: But I did not.
John: Oh, for sure it did.
John: For sure it did.
John: Because there was not a single person on that flight that was in an aisle seat that was like, sure, I'll sit in the middle seat.
Merlin: You get very conservative in a situation like that, where especially, for example, I mean, let's be honest.
Merlin: If you did pay for business class or even for like premium plus, like it's a real bummer to find out that something has changed.
Merlin: And now you're on a different flight in tourist class.
John: It's lame.
Merlin: Everything about it was lame.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: And so you're very protective of your stuff and your family and your group.
Merlin: You're like, no, no, we've got to like, uh.
Merlin: So anyway, wow, whoever that person is, kudos.
John: I think what she did ultimately was she had another seat wheeled onto the plane and bolted onto the floor.
John: That's the only thing I can think of that she did.
John: It's easy enough with Boeing.
John: Well, they're just held on with Velcro.
John: That's right.
John: She just Velcroed another seat in there.
John: And I cannot account for the fact, I'd had no idea that I was going to choke up with emotion.
John: in thanking this person for the work that they did and because i have been on a 14 hour flight in a middle seat because the airline said oh something something something something middle seat i sat in that middle seat and the person next to me on the aisle
John: his feet didn't touch the floor.
John: And I said, I really, I know.
Merlin: He's like a, he's like lollipop guild, like a little guy.
John: No, he's just a normal size person.
John: Cause it's economy comfort on an international flight.
John: Right.
John: Right.
John: My, my, my knees are up under my neck and on my chin, but he's just a regular size person.
John: And I said, I will, it would be a mitzvah if you would sit here.
John: And if I could sit there and he was like, no, no,
John: And so then I had to sit next to this guy for 14 hours.
Merlin: And I think it should be understood, this should be on the back of America's license, if you have three strangers in a row, like the Hitchcock movie, you have three strangers in a row, and there's somebody in the middle seat, they get, I don't want to say they get all of the armrest, but I think the person in the middle seat in that case...
Merlin: should get the consideration on the armrest.
Merlin: I think that is, I think everybody understands that now.
Merlin: I don't know, but then people start doing the thing where it's like, there's a thing that everybody kind of understands, even in first class, which is like, you're going to take forward armrest for a while.
Merlin: And I'll take, of course the flight I was on with this cursed flight, which I won't get into for right.
Merlin: Like no matter where I put any part of my body, it felt like my blood was stopping and I was getting nerve damage, no matter what I did with any, you know what I mean?
Merlin: The nerve damage feeling that,
Merlin: No matter where I put any part of my body for any amount of time, especially 1045 to 6 a.m., everybody's trying to sleep.
Merlin: It was just like it was the nerve damage express.
Merlin: Yeah, just for instance.
Merlin: They paint padding onto the seat arms, but there's no padding on there.
John: Well, and the thing is, these days, I think airlines go, when you're signing up for a flight, there is a tab that I never see.
John: But the tab says, are you a tweaker?
John: And will you be tweaking on this flight?
John: And halfway through the long flight, will you be super tweaking?
John: You know, give them a window is what I would do.
John: Well, no, and what they do is they're like, I'm going to put you, all tweakers go in middle seats.
John: Oh, interesting.
John: Because they're going to be jammed in there between people that aren't tweaking, and that'll be somehow better.
John: Oh, it touches two lives.
Merlin: And they're also maybe the kind of people who like to grab a seat real hard to stand up.
Merlin: Yeah.
Merlin: Or people who wear their backpack.
Merlin: Hey, America.
Merlin: Hey, guess what?
Merlin: America, if you're ever walking anywhere inside, you know how people used to take off their hats?
Merlin: If you're anywhere inside, especially if there's rows, maybe take off your backpack and carry it.
John: Oh, take off your backpack.
John: That's good advice.
John: That should be a tab, too.
John: Anyway, so I made it, I made it, I made it.
John: And the whole flight was extremely pleasant because all of the things on a flight that I, that I lately have been like, oh no, oh no, no, no, no.
John: I used to be fine with this, but I'm not anymore.
John: Yeah.
John: but I'm sitting next to my daughter and my daughter is very good.
John: Who's not tweaking.
John: No, and she is good at emotionally managing me.
John: When somebody comes by wearing a backpack and they're tweaking and they turn and hit me in the face with the backpack.
Merlin: Somebody just puts their butt in your face for 40 seconds.
John: And I tense.
John: My daughter sitting next to me puts her hand gently on me and goes.
Merlin: She's the only one who can do this.
Merlin: When you're in the car and you start getting sad about something you heard on the radio, she's the one who talks you down.
John: That's right.
John: She goes, daddy.
Merlin: And that's all it takes.
John: And I go, all right, but this person.
John: And she's like, daddy.
John: Now, it's not to say that she doesn't have her own peccadilloes where she's like, can you believe this person?
John: She's just old enough now to say in a maybe slightly too loud voice sometimes.
John: Can you believe this person?
John: Somebody who's like weaking and spilling yogurt.
Merlin: I'm not even allowed that.
Merlin: I'm just constantly being told that I'm the bad guy in the situation.
Merlin: I'm always the bad guy.
John: And I have to put my hand on her and go, sweetheart.
Merlin: Yes.
Merlin: First of all, A, I can believe that person.
Merlin: Here's something I only say to you twice a year, sweetheart.
Merlin: You're 16.
Merlin: I would say this if you were 20.
Merlin: Listen, I would say if you were 20, you know what I would say to you?
Merlin: You're 20, which is not a problem.
Merlin: But there's so many ways that like, there's subtleties to this that you just don't get.
Merlin: Let alone you don't realize how insulting it is in late stage capitalism for a man of my stature to be treated this way.
John: Absolutely.
John: In the 50s, it wasn't like this.
John: No, in the 50s, oh my God, somebody would, you know, there'd be room for my umbrella in the 50s.
John: Oh, you're kidding me?
John: And my umbrella stand up.
John: I'd be sitting here with an umbrella stand reading McCall magazine.
John: I could carry my sword cane onto the ship with my ashtray, which is in my bowler hat.
Merlin: And they would thank me for my service.
Merlin: Of course they would.
Merlin: Because I beat the Nazis in the Blitz.
Merlin: You know, there's a lot of ways that I think Gehring was not a very good leader.