Ep. 591: "Sandwich Commando"
Merlin:
Hello.
Merlin:
Hi, John.
John:
Hi, Merlin.
Merlin:
How's it going?
John:
Get more done with the AI companion.
John:
What is AI companion?
John:
I'm AI companion.
John:
That was a very good question, John.
Merlin:
I don't know.
Merlin:
I have... I... No, I don't want to talk about technology.
John:
Okay, good, good, good.
Shh.
Merlin:
No, I just get all these goddamn emails.
Merlin:
I don't know if you've ever gone in and looked at the settings for Zoom, the web interface.
Merlin:
Oh, no.
Merlin:
No, I don't want to look at the settings.
Merlin:
I just want to stop getting notifications.
Merlin:
Oh, and you try and you can't because it's like it's borked.
Merlin:
I said this on the Internet last night that the Zoom is decadent and depraved.
Merlin:
It's a terrible institution.
Merlin:
But, you know, technology, you know.
Merlin:
I've had a productive morning with my technology.
Merlin:
I've been working on my lighting.
Merlin:
And I'm feeling good about that.
John:
Can you change it from where you're sitting without touching anything?
Merlin:
I'll eventually be able to.
John:
You'll be able to say, make it pinker in here.
Merlin:
Well, you can do that.
Merlin:
But then it goes, which location and rooms and bam.
Merlin:
It's like, ugh.
Merlin:
But, you know, but it's good.
Merlin:
I got some extra lights set up.
Merlin:
I'm doing some light maintenance.
John:
I have to say, you know, I haven't been in your man cave in a while.
John:
That's what I called it.
John:
Oh, you did call it that.
Merlin:
Well, I was trying to call it my studio, but that sounds really pretentious.
John:
Studio.
John:
It's basically like a dorm room.
John:
It's been a long time since I was there, but I do remember it being a little dark.
Yeah.
Merlin:
Well, it felt a little bit cavey.
Merlin:
Now, owing to my condition, everything's darker.
Merlin:
Well, you have a new condition?
Merlin:
Yeah, I'm 50-something.
John:
Yeah, that'll kill you.
Merlin:
I just, you know, I don't know what I want to talk about today, but all of this sounds terrible.
John:
Do you need to wear those like really dark or like those big glasses that fit over your glasses that let you see trout in the water?
John:
oh i don't know about that chocolate you know if you put polarized sunglasses on you can see the trout in the water you sure yeah you see right through the through the reflection is that blue blockers yeah blue blockers i'm a shocker when i wear my blue blockers is what the guy in the commercial used to say you can see the trout right in the water i mean you can also see any other fish john
Merlin:
I think so.
Merlin:
Are there different kinds of glasses for different kinds of sea creatures?
Merlin:
No, I think it's different kinds of glasses.
Merlin:
I would like cuttlefish glasses.
Merlin:
I would like to always know if I'm near a cuttlefish.
Merlin:
Do you, though?
Merlin:
I went deep on cuttlefish.
Merlin:
I went deep on several forms of wildlife over the weekend.
Merlin:
Cuttlefish, hornets.
Merlin:
I learned a lot about how bees defend against hornets.
John:
Oh.
John:
How do you feel, what's the difference between a bee and a, or no, I'm sorry, what's the difference between a hornet and a wasp in your estimation?
Merlin:
I think of them as being similar.
Merlin:
I don't know the difference, but I think of, just because it's based on information, I think hornets are really bad.
John:
They're the murder ones.
John:
It says right in their name, murder hornet.
Merlin:
Well, if you want to watch some, this might be, you're getting to the age now where this is the kind of thing you might watch on YouTube.
Merlin:
Japanese beekeeper.
Merlin:
who he beekeeps in the Japanese style.
Merlin:
And he has to try and keep up.
John:
Do you watch the blonde gal from the South who says, it's another day of saving the bees?
John:
No.
Merlin:
That sounds really annoying.
John:
No, there's this little, she's a tiny little blonde cowgirl type person.
John:
Although I may have this wrong.
John:
She may be from Minneapolis.
John:
I don't know.
John:
But she reads as like somebody in bedazzled jeans.
John:
But she's a beekeeper, and she gets called out every time somebody's like, there are bees under the eaves.
John:
Well, I watched some of those, too.
John:
Yeah.
John:
And she goes, and she just, no suit, nothing.
John:
What?
John:
Just puts her hands right in there, and she's like, the bees are nice.
John:
She's got a way of talking.
John:
I don't think that's modeling good behavior, John.
John:
She's like, you just don't, you know, just the bees are just looking for their time, and whenever she finds the queen, she puts the queen in a hair clip.
John:
And then she puts the queen over here.
Merlin:
And then she pulls the... There can be multiple queens, especially when you're starting a new colony.
John:
See, I didn't know that.
Merlin:
Yeah, they bring in... I was also thinking, I was thinking I should start writing these down.
Merlin:
All these things are kind of like lessons about life that you learn from nature videos.
Merlin:
Oh, I watched one on... You know, when we very first heard about cordyceps, at least me, before... I don't know about them.
Merlin:
John Oh John well, they feature heavily in an HBO series called the last of us These mushrooms things but cordyceps are real and all those are the ones that grow inside people's mouths and turn them into zombies Yeah, same deal in this case though There's these ones though that all these poor little ants have to do is breathe in the spores
Merlin:
just like just like an ant would breathe and and then what happens is the spores get in and then they they zombify you they make the ant go where they want it to go and then the ant gets taken over and insects can be totally taken over by mushrooms and it's very upsetting how does a mushroom want to go anywhere how does that's a very good question as it turns out this is another lesson i should have written this down i see um
Merlin:
But what happens is, I swear to God, this is kind of interesting, but as a kind, this goes for army ants, this goes for the cordyceps, as new kinds of, let's say a new kind of or an evolving kind of, you know, insect thing comes along.
Merlin:
It's sort of like, you know, people used to say, you know, Macs are so great because they never give viruses.
Merlin:
Well, the truth is...
Merlin:
Max didn't give viruses because they represented a very small percentage of the computer using public.
Merlin:
And so they weren't as interesting of a target as PCs.
John:
Can I ever tell you the time I was going through TSA?
John:
And this is back there pulling out laptops.
John:
Back in those days.
Merlin:
Yeah.
John:
And the guy said, he said, oh, a Mac, huh?
John:
And I said, what percentage?
John:
Nice computer.
John:
Do they make them for men?
John:
I don't feel like this was that long ago.
John:
And I said, what percentage of computers that you pull out of these bags, you see 10,000 computers a day, what percentage are Macs?
John:
And he was like, oh, one in 20.
John:
And I realized, oh, wow, we are a strange little crew over here.
Merlin:
That'd be a while back.
Merlin:
I mean, I remember when you'd see more and more, especially with press conferences, you see everybody's got a Mac, lots of meetings, everybody's got a Mac.
Merlin:
I don't know about that.
Merlin:
But as it becomes a more target-rich environment, I think the spores or the cordyceps or whatever evolve for those kinds.
Merlin:
I can send you all these videos if you want.
John:
Are you telling me I can get viruses on my Mac, Merlin?
Mm-hmm.
Merlin:
Oh, no.
Merlin:
Mostly you'll get info stealer things now.
John:
Oh, info stealers.
Merlin:
Never click anything I send you with an attachment.
John:
Am I going to have to change my password from 1, 2, 3, 4 password?
Merlin:
It's got a capital P. No, that'll be fine.
Merlin:
You could do what I used to do and just change one of them for a different character sometimes.
John:
Oh, that's really smart.
John:
You taught me that.
John:
I think you're a bit of a character.
John:
You said you can make an A out of a four.
John:
And I was like, what?
John:
That's leet.
John:
What the hell you say?
Merlin:
It's very leet.
Merlin:
Mm-hmm.
Merlin:
Mm-hmm.
Merlin:
Mm-hmm.
Merlin:
But then also the army ants, man.
Merlin:
The army ants don't act like regular ants.
Merlin:
Because, you know, your regular ants, they'll send out – A.O.
Merlin:
Wilson told us about this.
Merlin:
They'll send out these scouts.
Merlin:
And they use pheromones and stuff.
Merlin:
The army ants, uh-uh.
Merlin:
They basically send out, it's basically like General Zhukov.
Merlin:
They just bring everybody and everybody sweeps a 10 meter wide line through the forest looking for anything that they can eat.
John:
And how are they communicating with each other?
John:
Just by yelling?
Merlin:
There's several ways.
Merlin:
I think one of them, big one with ants is pheromones.
Merlin:
But like, for example, with the bees, like when the hornets come for the bees, it sets off a wave.
Merlin:
They do the wave like at a stadium.
Merlin:
Oh, the bees do.
Merlin:
The bees make a wave.
Merlin:
And so this entire hive with like thousands of bees in it will all make a coordinated motion that looks like an animation almost.
Merlin:
And that's a way of telling the hornet, you sure you want to do that?
Merlin:
There's a lot of us here.
Merlin:
And we can make what's called a heat ball or
Merlin:
Oh, they're going to make a heat ball.
Merlin:
I feel like I'm really, really boring.
Merlin:
I think I got up too early.
Merlin:
I did too many tech things, and now I think I might be being boring.
Merlin:
Am I being boring?
Merlin:
No, no, no.
Merlin:
It's the last first day of school also.
John:
It's a big deal.
John:
Also, over here, first day of school.
Merlin:
I'll send you a photograph.
John:
And you know, little one, little Chucky here.
Merlin:
Little Chucky.
John:
We bought her some Doc Martens.
John:
And you know, Doc Martens, they need a little breaking in.
John:
Yeah.
Merlin:
We got some special sauce to put on Doc Martens that breaks them in.
John:
Yeah, and she got up this morning and she put on the docks.
John:
And I said to her last night, I was like, so the docks probably not on the first day because, you know, they're going to be hard over the course of the day.
John:
And according to her mom, she woke up this morning and put on the docks.
John:
And so wherever she is right now, she's wearing Doc Martens.
John:
She's breaking those docks in.
Merlin:
They look really cool.
Merlin:
The problem I always used to get is because before my feet got fatter and grew, I was, I think, almost exactly between the two sizes.
John:
Oh, yeah.
Merlin:
Because they're English.
Merlin:
But I learned a trick, which is you can get the big, always get the, oh, God, the first pair of Doc Martens I ever bought, I went the other way.
Merlin:
And I bought the equivalent of a 9 instead of the equivalent of a 10.
Merlin:
Oh, I see.
Merlin:
Right?
Merlin:
And I really regretted that.
Merlin:
So I'm walking, I bought them on Haight Street when I was here in 97.
Merlin:
I'm walking down the street and my feet are killing me immediately.
Merlin:
You know what I hear?
Merlin:
You buy the next big size and then you get insults.
Merlin:
Well, English people can talk to pans.
Merlin:
You know how they are.
Merlin:
Well, only British people can fly.
Merlin:
That man's gone now.
Merlin:
So I had some facts about shoes.
Merlin:
I'm going to send you a photograph.
Merlin:
Oh, man.
John:
I just sent you a picture of my little one standing on the front there.
Merlin:
Oh, my goodness.
Merlin:
Oh, my God.
Merlin:
Wait a minute.
Merlin:
She's such a young sophisticate.
John:
Oh, my gosh, she got taller.
John:
Yeah.
John:
We talked last night, in fact.
John:
We were sitting on the couch, and I was like,
John:
Yeah.
John:
Big day.
John:
And she was like, yeah, I've thought about all the things I need to think about.
John:
So there's nothing that we need to talk about because I've got it all thought through.
John:
And I was like, I know, I know, I know.
John:
I was like, just remember.
John:
There's only one thing you need to remember, and that is that friends with everybody.
John:
Why not be friends with everybody?
John:
There's zero to be gained by not being friends with everybody.
John:
You're so cute.
John:
She was like, uh-huh.
John:
Okay, thanks.
John:
I was like, no, seriously.
John:
Make sure I write all this down in my special dad notebook.
John:
Seriously, though.
John:
Friends with everybody.
John:
There's no reason not to be friends with everybody.
John:
Uh-huh.
John:
Okay.
John:
Thanks, Dan.
John:
I should have said, don't wear the docks.
John:
I should have put an exclamation point on that.
John:
No, no, no.
Merlin:
Oh, look at your dude.
Merlin:
In front of the childhood art.
Merlin:
Wait till you see this.
Merlin:
Here's the collection.
Merlin:
I like that sweater, too.
Merlin:
Oh, he buys all his own clothes now.
Merlin:
He basically dresses like National Park signage.
Merlin:
He has kind of a green and brown palette.
Merlin:
Look at these.
John:
He's got a technology watch, I see.
Merlin:
this is oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah and this is uh that's uh that's k that's k through uh oh the montage with the with the painting on the back the for most of them yeah look at that kid it's funny man yeah middle middle school sucks
Merlin:
But high school, nothing but fun.
Merlin:
Yeah.
Merlin:
No, he's a good kid.
Merlin:
So, yeah, I had to be up early for that.
Merlin:
And I thought I might as well utilize the time.
Merlin:
I'll work on my lights.
Merlin:
What else did I do?
Merlin:
Just, you know, do a lot of putting.
Merlin:
I get very motivated sometimes on Monday mornings.
Merlin:
That's why I'm the one who's late sometimes.
Merlin:
It's because I get a little bit involved in things.
Merlin:
You know what I mean?
Merlin:
I like to clean my area a little bit.
Merlin:
I get out my...
John:
i get out my eyes purple alcohol you know clean up my area a little bit i had some very weird dreams last night that were all in the like um basically in the hunger games family of dreams interesting because my kid is is uh we never watch the hunger games movies for whatever reason although she read all the books just watch battle royale it's better
John:
And then she said, well, I want to watch the Hunger Games.
John:
And I was like, okay, fine.
John:
We'll watch them and watch them.
John:
Of course, I'm a big fan of J-Law as an actor.
John:
Oh, hell yeah.
John:
And I find the movies to have been made feels like only partially.
Merlin:
I think the first one's a lot of fun for what it is.
John:
Sure, it's fun.
John:
But like if I were making it, I think I would have done some other things.
John:
Made some different choices, but it's fine.
John:
It's fine.
John:
I understand a lot about contemporary political discourse because I understand that some of the people yelling at me on the internet got their politics from the Hunger Games.
John:
So that cleared up some things for me.
John:
I was like, oh, I see what you think the world is.
Merlin:
Well, I think there's probably at least two kinds of people that got their politics from the Hunger Games.
Merlin:
Yep, that's right.
Merlin:
They walked away with different messages.
John:
They walked away with different messages.
John:
Yes, exactly that.
John:
So I feel like that's been, but last night, and I don't know what it was, we went to a funeral over the weekend and I got, at the end, yeah, it was awesome.
John:
Was it catered?
John:
It was Costco catered.
John:
Costco.
John:
One of the cool things was that somebody brought too much coffee.
John:
They went to Starbucks and they got those big cardboard boxes of coffee.
John:
And at the end of the night, there's this table with like five full,
John:
like gallon boxes of coffee.
John:
And I was like, what's going on with all this coffee?
John:
And they're all leaving.
John:
They're picking up their trays of happy.
John:
See, women of your age always want to get the centerpiece.
Merlin:
But you, you like to pick up the disused tureens of coffee.
John:
Yeah, they're trucking out fighting over the roses.
John:
You got a hope for these boys?
John:
Where are you going to put these?
John:
And I'm like, you know, these would fit in my truck.
John:
And so I just, I made off like a bandit.
John:
I mean, I don't know how long these buckets of Starbucks coffee are going to last, but they're all stacked in the fridge now, right?
John:
They're going to last forever.
Merlin:
Well, I mean, yeah, for iced coffee, I mean, that's what I drink is I make my own iced coffee with my special $90 Keurig.
Merlin:
But, yeah, no, those, I mean, you think about if you bought...
Merlin:
I guess they're not sealed, but I bet you're good for a few days.
John:
Yeah, I'm going to make it right until I start to see a film on top of the coffee.
John:
And I think that actually is good for dreams, too.
Merlin:
I want to hear about the dreams.
Merlin:
Do you put half and half in your coffee?
John:
I do.
John:
I mean, I know that the Turkish Poshas would roll their eyes at me, but maybe they're the ones that put milk in the first place.
John:
I don't know.
John:
Somebody was mad about it back in ye olden times, but I don't care.
Merlin:
And so as much as you're comfortable saying, if you want, would you like to talk about your dream?
Merlin:
Go ahead there.
Merlin:
I've come around on dreams.
Merlin:
I used to dislike it.
Merlin:
Like my professor, Dr. David Dykstra, he had a morbid fear of hearing people tell their dreams.
Merlin:
And I always think about that.
Merlin:
Well, I'm very averse to putting any meaning on them.
Merlin:
I just don't like it when people tell it like a story.
Merlin:
That's why me telling my dreams is so good, because all I do is report what I see in the dream and let you infer how that feels.
Merlin:
It's just when people go like, oh, it was your house, but it wasn't your house, and it was a kitchen, but it's like, oh, great.
John:
Yeah, no, the Hunger Games-ness of it was that there were crowds of people that were kind of all dressed drably, and people were sort of moving in crowd sort of formations, and kind of going through doorways, and then there was an airport, and then... Airports.
John:
I have airport dreams almost every night.
John:
airport dreams exactly it's very strange but there was also you know there was some affection somebody was taking pictures of of a group of us at one point and um and they were like oh look at the pictures and so i went over to look in the camera at their pictures and they kind of leaned on me softly and i sort of leaned on them back and i was like why am i taking some so much comfort in this in this photographer
John:
Like what is it?
John:
But I wasn't like thinking it through, but it was, it was weird.
John:
Like, Oh, this is, I'm having an intimate moment.
John:
All those things, all those moments lost in time.
John:
But you know, all the things where you're like, when was the last time I had an intimate moment?
John:
I mean, you should have them all the time.
Merlin:
I don't have sex dreams, but I do have intimacy dreams.
John:
Intimacy dreams.
Merlin:
I think that's not unusual.
Merlin:
Well, let me ask then, and I'm asking so you can say, how did you, what was the vibe as they say?
Merlin:
How did you feel?
Merlin:
uh in the dream because it sounds dreary it's you know what it sounds like it sounds like um uh santa claus is coming to town you know that rank and bass special with the red-haired lady that i have a crush on my love is beginning to change uh and all the kids are gray remember the meister burger burger meister of course and all those little kids with little gray faces
Merlin:
That's what it sounds like.
Merlin:
Or maybe like, I don't know, maybe the Apple video with the lady with the hammer.
Merlin:
You know, like a before picture when you're looking at the autocracy.
John:
Well, you know, that lady in the Apple video was also, I think in an Elton John music video.
John:
I'm still standing.
Merlin:
Was it?
Merlin:
I thought it was Nikita.
Merlin:
No, I was just remarking that I'm literally still standing.
Merlin:
No, no, wasn't she in I'm Still Standing?
Merlin:
I think you told me that.
Merlin:
No, I think she was in Nikita.
Merlin:
Nikita!
Merlin:
Oh, of course, Nikita.
Merlin:
I'm sorry.
Merlin:
Yeah.
Merlin:
Oh, I'm Still Standing has a muscle man in it.
Merlin:
I remember that.
John:
Yeah, there are a lot of people on the beach.
John:
But no, you know,
John:
You like the television shows like The Last of Us where everything's gone to hell.
John:
Everybody's died.
John:
Yeah.
John:
And it's just you.
Merlin:
Syracuse and I both really... We are progressives, and yet we both really... It's usually for people who got the other message from The Hunger Games, if you know what I mean.
John:
Right.
Merlin:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merlin:
But no, I love... Stockpile guns in the basement.
Merlin:
Walking Dead or any of that stuff, I love it.
John:
But so let me ask you, because do you think...
John:
When you watch those shows, do you imagine yourself as one of the hardscrabble survivors?
John:
Or are you just watching it voyeuristically?
John:
Do you picture yourself?
John:
Do you think like when it all goes down, when everything goes to shit, I'm going to be one of the few that crawl out of the rubble?
Merlin:
I'm more than happy to answer this, but I would like to ask you to guess what my answer is.
Merlin:
What do you think?
Merlin:
Because I think you probably know.
Merlin:
Yeah, I don't think you want to.
Merlin:
I would be made into sandwiches by the afternoon of the first day.
Merlin:
First day, the thing is, it would be, well, I don't want to get Eastern Europe involved, but it would be a lot like, you know, I would be like a sandwich commando.
Merlin:
Damn, I wish that could be the title.
Merlin:
Sandwich commander.
Merlin:
Like we were your first job.
Merlin:
Well, anyways, so first you make sandwiches out of people and then eventually you become the sandwich, I think.
John:
That's right.
John:
At the end of the line, there's no more meat coming down the line and then they look at you and then you're on the line.
John:
Then Merlin on the line.
Merlin:
That's another lesson you learn from nature.
Merlin:
You know, eat or get eaten or both.
Merlin:
So the so the the enjoyment of watching it is is a question.
Merlin:
No, I don't think of myself because honestly, I'm so I'm so most of the word almost like a squirrel.
Merlin:
I'm almost like chittering in my nervousness in even the best conditions.
Merlin:
Sometimes I'll be sitting there going, I'm getting to do everything exactly the way I want, and I'm still not happy.
Merlin:
And there's a phrase that comes up in the house, and I might have mentioned this to you.
Merlin:
I know I've mentioned this to Syracuse.
Merlin:
We'll be watching something.
Merlin:
Maybe we're watching Survivor.
Merlin:
Maybe we're watching Game of Thrones.
Merlin:
But whatever, really any show we'll do, any show that's for adults.
Merlin:
And I find myself saying aloud, I would not thrive –
Merlin:
in this situation i would not thrive in this environment like if you if i you uh and listen i'm gonna hook you up with this movie battle royale which i would love to talk to you about it's um but like you know if somebody's like threw me a crossbow and said like you know now now go and kill your classmates yeah you know i i don't think i would do great at that
John:
You wouldn't even do great in, like, a pub at the crossroads in Game of Thrones where there's just a bunch of guys drinking mead.
Merlin:
Well, it depends if the Lannisters are there or not.
Merlin:
If they're singing the Reigns of Castamere, you know what I mean?
Merlin:
You know what I'm saying?
Merlin:
And, like, I'm there with Lady Brienne, who's no lady, and, you know, you're taking Peter Dinklage.
Merlin:
whatever the Citadel or what the fuck.
Merlin:
But, um, no, but it's, I don't know, I don't know why I enjoy it, but, but one thing, uh, and something Syracuse I've talked about with regard to The Walking Dead, I don't know how much Walking Dead you've watched, but something, I think he was the first person to say this to me, and I still think about it a lot, is that, like, we would always, like,
Merlin:
There's a character on that show who's one of my three favorite characters.
Merlin:
And I don't want to spoil it for people, but there's this one character on the show who survives everything.
Merlin:
And everybody loves him and he's great.
Merlin:
And the way that he dies is really sad.
Merlin:
And that's when I stopped watching the show.
Merlin:
But the point that John said to me that stuck with me is that if you're past... One of the things I think they did great on The Walking Dead was that there's uneven amounts of information.
Merlin:
And like, so for example, almost every group you run into that's been around has a different name.
Merlin:
Like they only use the words, I think they use the word zombie like once or twice ever on the show.
Merlin:
Some people call them geeks.
Merlin:
Some people call them biters.
Merlin:
You know, whatever it is, there's a different name.
Merlin:
Because the thing is not, and then like in the first season, not everybody knows that everybody turns into a zombie.
Merlin:
But you gotta like kill, you gotta like, you know, again, sort of like with the White Walkers.
Yeah.
Merlin:
Very similar.
Merlin:
But the point being that anybody who's alive by season two or three is a survivor and probably a little bit of a rascal who's done some stuff.
Merlin:
The way I pitched that show to my kid was, you know, once we got watching it a little bit, I said, I think this show...
Merlin:
The main character of this show, it's about what he does to try and maintain his humanity while also realizing how much of his previous life's humanity has to be given up just to keep his, you know, his son and his baby alive.
John:
Oh, that also feels like contemporary politics.
John:
Wow, I'm learning so much.
John:
It's a lot like nature.
John:
Like, do you think Syracuse, do you think he believes that he would survive?
Merlin:
Or do you think he also is like, nah, I've given up trying to say anything about him because he's, he's, he's such a little bitch about like, does he still listen to this show?
Merlin:
Is he going to talk to you later?
Merlin:
I don't know.
Merlin:
I mean, I hope so.
Merlin:
I really like the guy, except for how much I really actively dislike him.
Merlin:
But no, I think he does.
Merlin:
I think a lot of people do.
Merlin:
And I think that's why, supposedly, when you see those maps of like, what's the biggest porn search word in North Dakota?
Merlin:
What candy bars do they eat in Pennsylvania?
Merlin:
Oh, I'll bet you're right.
Merlin:
Or like what candy bars do people eat in Pennsylvania?
Merlin:
Hershey, I imagine.
Merlin:
But, you know, it's like the red states.
Merlin:
The ones that really liked them looking good.
Merlin:
Because I think it's probably not just crappers.
John:
Oh, because it's a xenophobia show.
John:
Yeah.
Yeah.
John:
You know, that's interesting.
John:
It is.
John:
I've said for years, all of zombie movie culture is a darker skinned, unknowable horde is invading our little group and they can't be reasoned with.
John:
And it's just red state xenophobia.
Merlin:
I'm not thinking about that.
John:
They don't play guitars or whatever.
John:
They don't even come with their own music and food.
John:
huh and they don't they don't they don't uh we get they get different shibboleths yeah i mean you know like the the that's the problem in the red state they're like oh but you know you don't want to you don't want to deport this guy he's got the best restaurant in town whereas a zombie doesn't even open a restaurant yeah oh yeah somebody somebody's honking is your ride there
John:
Maybe.
John:
Is the show over?
John:
Maybe.
John:
But my kid said to me at one point, because I was like, now listen, when the blood wave comes, here's what I want you to do.
John:
I want you to go over here.
John:
You know, my mom showed up the other day.
John:
She's like, for my birthday present, I told you this, right?
John:
For my birthday present, I want 200 pounds of dried food and a water purifier.
Merlin:
John, I'm going to go ahead and say I'm pretty sure I hadn't heard that.
Merlin:
We got we got a lot of open parentheses right now, and I'm fine with all of that But I'm gonna I'm gonna write down.
John:
What is it your mom your mom is an aspiring prepper Well, and not inspiring she's aspiring.
John:
She's been like this for 50 years But she
John:
Well, so she got us here and all of us made a small congregate here at my house.
John:
And she had a very complex water for your purification system.
John:
Oh, wow.
John:
And she said, now here's the thing.
John:
We have a Creek.
John:
We have our own Creek.
John:
And so, and it's a year long Creek.
John:
It never goes dry.
John:
so we have all the water we need if if we can purify it we have a system of purification and i was like okay and so she pulls out so she called a family meeting yeah did you know this would be the topic well i bought her the water purification system
John:
So I knew that something was going to happen.
John:
But what I didn't know was she had also... She's 90 years old.
John:
Yeah.
John:
And she's prepping.
John:
She also bought a coffee maker, like a Mr. Coffee coffee maker, as part of her elaborate system of filtering the water.
John:
She had multiple steps in mind.
John:
Then there were quinine pills and all this other stuff.
John:
Not quinine, but, you know, pills and... Yeah, yeah, no, I know what you mean.
Merlin:
I mean, there's one version of this that a lot of people around here have.
Merlin:
Ours is not updated.
Merlin:
But earthquake kit, right?
Merlin:
Set inside the small bag.
Merlin:
Like, you know, one time we donated money to KQED and got a survival bucket.
Merlin:
And they give you a bucket.
Merlin:
They give you a bucket with stuff in it.
Merlin:
It's like survival bucket, fudge bucket.
Merlin:
And you get to survive for two or three days.
Merlin:
And it comes in a five-gallon bucket.
Merlin:
And it comes with a seat, so you can also use it as a toilet.
Merlin:
There you go, a toilet.
Merlin:
That has some of those quinine pills in it, in case you need to treat malaria.
Merlin:
Because that's a year-long creek.
John:
The food buckets we've got are all... It's all freeze-dried, like freeze-dried steak bits and stuff.
John:
But you need water, right?
John:
It's 200 meals, but you need water.
Merlin:
No, no, no.
Merlin:
She's thought about this, it seems.
John:
So she sends me down...
John:
to the creek the actual creek i'm looking at right now there it is she sends me down to and this is low water it's the it's dead of summer there's no you know the the creek is just like trickle trickle trickle trickle but i go down to one of the ponds and i fill up a big
John:
Bucket of water.
John:
Oh, this is like a prototype project.
John:
And she's like, we're going to test this out until we get good water.
John:
That's the plan.
Merlin:
So you come back with a bucket and like you put a drinking glass in there, scoop out some water.
Merlin:
What's that water look like?
John:
Well, you know, it's the Northwest, so it's not like... The water started in some spring two miles from here.
John:
It's just gone through a lot of people's front yards between there and here.
John:
Pesticides and dirt.
John:
Yeah, and just like, you know, just...
John:
dog poop and whatever else.
Merlin:
That's nothing.
Merlin:
You can eat dog poop.
Merlin:
Believe me, inshallah, you're going to be thanking your lucky stars if you get some freeze-dried dog poop.
John:
Yeah, that's right.
John:
My people, you know, when I was growing up, we would have killed for dog poop.
John:
People don't understand.
John:
It's a circle of life.
John:
But, you know, there's also every time somebody washes their car, there's just motor oil, you know.
John:
But the thing is, if you hold up a glass, yeah, it's got some little flibbity gibbities in it.
John:
And it's not pure water, but it's not mud, you know.
John:
And I was careful when I was dipping it up to not stir up the mud at the bottom.
John:
So I bring up this bucket of water.
John:
And mom's got all this apparatus set up.
John:
And the little one.
John:
Miss Doc Martens, she went to junior high at a school called Explorer West.
John:
That's a cool name.
John:
And the whole premise of Explorer West was that they go out into the wilderness and they learn all these different skills.
John:
They made their own snowshoes out of pipe and all this stuff.
What?
John:
So I've kind of got buried the I buried the Explorer West story the last couple of years because I didn't want to Know my daughter's yeah, no, I know but now she's not there anymore So I don't even say what city my kid goes to school if he goes to school Explorer West is an incredible junior high here in West Seattle 100 kids and they go oh my gosh, that's cool as private
John:
It's private.
John:
That's so cool.
John:
It has mandatory Latin.
John:
Every kid has Latin for three years.
John:
It's like it's nuts.
John:
They're crazy, but it's awesome.
John:
But so my kid is sitting there in her little like goth academic outfit.
John:
Because she's dressed like the owl that tells you how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
John:
I mean, she looks like she could be dabbling in the dark arts a little bit.
John:
She thinks she is.
John:
I mean, it's one of these questions like, when you were a teenage girl, did you imagine your wedding or were you making potions?
John:
Were you making witch potions?
Merlin:
And she's out there, you know, doing a Wingardium Leviosa or whatever.
John:
Yeah, 100% a smoking cauldron, wherever she is.
John:
But she goes, Nana, the filter that's on the filter system is going to be plenty good to filter this water.
John:
You don't need the coffee pot or the pills or any of the other stuff.
John:
Wow.
John:
And we all look at her and go, huh?
John:
That's very assertive.
John:
She stands up and she goes over and this thing is like she has a PowerPoint.
John:
There's a bag hanging from the rafter of the porch.
John:
Then it goes through a tube to another bag through filter and then to another tube.
John:
And she said, this is this system is more than sufficient to filter the creek water into clean drinking water.
John:
She said, it may not taste as great as you.
John:
And we're all like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
John:
And Nana's pushing back like, well, but what about blah, blah, blah.
John:
And she says, the teen says, I have consumed water from 10 different water filtration systems in the dumb ass junior high you sent me to.
John:
Holy shit.
John:
And I can tell you that this right here is-
John:
She said, this system is way over the top.
John:
Like, we're fine.
John:
And so, I pour in the water from the creek into the top.
John:
And she takes over.
John:
She's like, a little chemistry set, whatever.
John:
And is pouring water out the bottom of it into our glasses.
John:
Like...
John:
Like a bartender.
John:
And we all sat back and like, water tasted great.
Merlin:
And at this point, have you done anything involving external testing?
Merlin:
Like apart from what the system says works?
Merlin:
Do you have anything?
John:
I actually had a water testing kit somewhere in this house, but I was like, if I recall correctly, it involves a lot of...
John:
Test tubes and I'm just gonna go with what my kid says here on this.
John:
Yeah, so we all drank a big She's probably got more up-to-date information.
John:
Oh, yeah, and she was and you know, and then she was like Back to reading her book, but she has said to me multiple times even after this prepper education She said what makes you think?
John:
That if the world comes to an end and everybody I know is dead that I want to stay alive and wander the wasteland with you and
Merlin:
Well, interesting.
Merlin:
That sounds more like me than you.
Merlin:
Yeah.
Merlin:
And I said, of course, I want to die.
John:
Why wouldn't I want to die?
John:
It never once has occurred to me in my life that in the aftermath of a massive end of world event that A, I wouldn't survive and B, that I wouldn't wander the wasteland.
John:
Like, I already have my jingle stick picked out.
John:
Yeah, like a Mad Max type situation.
John:
Yeah, I've got my wooden spoon.
John:
You got your spoon, you got your jingle stick, you got your guzzoline.
John:
I got my guzzoline, I got my water purification system.
John:
Idiot or more soft.
John:
my mom probably won't make it but i'll have 200 freeze-dried meals and i'm gonna wander the wasteland looking for a homemade helicopter and she's like fine have fun screw you i don't want to be in i don't want to live in that world and it was such a she was so definitive about it and just like yeah if the world comes to an end i would like to go with it thank you
Merlin:
I think about that too.
Merlin:
I mean, you know, and now I'm suddenly spacing out on all the different shows that are similar to this in theme.
Merlin:
Maybe another one would be in a very different way, but technically my favorite TV show, The Leftovers, where there's an event of some kind that happens.
Merlin:
It's just referred to as the event.
Merlin:
And some, like, I think it was like 3% of the population.
Merlin:
The event.
Merlin:
Yeah, like just disappeared.
Yeah.
Merlin:
Oh, okay.
Merlin:
So it's like a rapture.
Merlin:
Oh, it's a really good show.
Merlin:
Yeah.
Merlin:
Basically there's just this one day, like people just disappear and nobody knows where they went.
Merlin:
And of course then like, like with all end times things, this then leads to like, you know, wackadoo religious reactions, but like, you know, Carrie Coon,
Merlin:
who is my TV girlfriend, she lost her whole family, like statistically very unlikely.
Merlin:
Her husband and her two kids, she turned around, she was getting mad at them, you know, spilling something on the table.
Merlin:
She turned around and her whole family was gone.
Merlin:
And then you just got to figure out.
Merlin:
Did they leave their clothes?
Merlin:
Was it one of those things where they left the keys to the brand new Porsche?
Merlin:
No, no, they just, that's the thing.
Merlin:
It's like, where did they go?
Merlin:
And then that kind of becomes, you know, that becomes more important in the show.
Merlin:
But, you know, the show is about loss.
Merlin:
It's just about like, so anyway.
John:
Because you're wandering the house.
John:
It's not like there's a poof of smoke or something.
Merlin:
You're like.
Merlin:
Well, the very the way the show starts and this is the very this is the cold open It's the very beginning of the show and I don't think I'm spoiling anything that I haven't already spoiled But that's the point of the show you find it in the first scene There's a woman who's doing laundry and she's got her baby and she's busy and she's on the phone And she takes the she's a saw on the phone She takes the baby out to the car puts the baby in the car seat and puts the laundry in the car It comes back and the kids not in the car seat anymore
Merlin:
Oh.
Merlin:
And then you hear screaming, and suddenly there's all these people yelling, cars are crashing and stuff.
Merlin:
And it's, you know, if it's the rapture, well, there are people who obviously believe it's the rapture.
Merlin:
The point I'm struggling to make, and so what I've got for you, you've got Battle Royale and Leftovers, is then you just gotta live with that loss.
Merlin:
And it's like, I mean, I understand that desire to survive, I think.
Merlin:
I mean, I certainly understand the impulse to stay alive and be whole.
Merlin:
But, like, I don't know, man.
Merlin:
There's a lot I'd be really bummed not to have.
Merlin:
You know?
Merlin:
And I mean, like, what would I be living for?
Merlin:
You know what I mean?
Merlin:
In some cases.
Merlin:
But that also brings us to this other point I've written down here, which is...
Merlin:
I don't know a lot about prepping apart from, you know, mostly the like, like I read the anarchist cookbook and like, I know, um, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm aware of things, but like when you're prepping, it seems to me like, and forgive me if this is an incredibly dumb thing to ask in the prepping community.
Merlin:
Well, what are you prepping for?
Merlin:
And even something as simple as I'm prepping for an earthquake.
Merlin:
Okay.
Merlin:
Well, obviously having a crowbar is,
Merlin:
In San Francisco, they always say, keep shoes near your bed.
Merlin:
There's all those kinds of things.
Merlin:
But then you're like, well, okay, but preparing for earthquake.
Merlin:
So then earthquake happens and I'm still alive.
Merlin:
Now what?
Merlin:
What am I prepared for?
Merlin:
And with your creek, well, your water filtration system, what if you have to pull up stakes and tear ass somewhere else and there's no creek there?
Merlin:
Or what if people upstream from you are dropping dukes in there and pooping up your water?
Merlin:
It just seems like you could go nuts trying to prepare for...
Merlin:
All situations and eventualities, it would certainly become very costly.
Merlin:
I guess you could do like a Zuckerberg and just like build a compound and shit.
Merlin:
But still, I mean, in The Walking Dead, that's the other thing is like there are these communities you run into where they've got fences and gates.
Merlin:
And that's kind of a running theme is like, oh, finally, somewhere where everything's going to be fine.
Merlin:
And it's like, well, but also those people...
Merlin:
weren't exposed to the walkers in the same way that you were.
Merlin:
They aren't as tough as you are.
Merlin:
They don't understand when Rick arrives, they arrive at one.
Merlin:
They're like, look, you've got to fix this fence.
Merlin:
This fence is good for now.
Merlin:
But like we, you know what I'm saying?
Merlin:
And when you meet the people who've really been through it, they know how hard it is to get through a specific situation, let alone any conceivable situation.
Merlin:
And I bet you could prep a lot.
Merlin:
I mean, what do you get?
Merlin:
You get a crowbar, you get a generator, you get some basic water filtration.
Merlin:
But like,
John:
You can't prep for everything you have to prep for something specific and commit to that it seems like There are there are so many different Ideas and you're you're you're you're on to all of them right at a at one level The only prep that is useful is prep you have done internally in your mind a body and
John:
And because preparing yourself.
John:
Yeah.
John:
Anything you own can be taken from you.
John:
Any this is one of the first things they talk about when you when the the topic of knife fighting comes up when you're a young street scrapper.
John:
Yeah.
John:
The first time somebody said to me, don't ever pull out a knife because you don't know as much about knife fighting as the person you're pointing the knife at probably.
John:
I totally agree.
John:
Until you know more about knife fighting than 95% of the people, don't ever point a knife at somebody.
Merlin:
No matter how many knife fights you've envisioned, and you probably have not envisioned as many as you think, you're probably not as ready for that as somebody who's just...
Merlin:
Really really big like I used to say like you know say you know don't wrestle the pig you both get dirty and the pig likes it my my dumb take on that is like don't fight frat boys Because they do it all the time.
Merlin:
They're good at it and they like it and they don't mind getting hurt I'm getting hurt
John:
This is the issue with punching Nazis.
John:
Their number one thing is punching.
John:
That's their whole language.
Merlin:
Ernst Jerome was very into it.
Merlin:
He liked a good punch-up.
Merlin:
He'd go out there and meet some nice guys and do some punching and stuff like that.
John:
But the internet now is full of videos of kind of big... People who are ready for knife fights.
John:
Well, no.
John:
It's like these big fat guys with mustaches and baseball hats who get into some road rage incident in their Dodge Ram truck.
John:
In their Yukon.
John:
And they jump out and they've got a bat.
John:
And they come back to menace the person who happens to be filming this on their dash cam with a bat and They're doing the thing where they're like whacking the bat in the palm of their hand or they're swinging the bat around this This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass this The problem is that these dash cam videos are always taken by somebody who knows how to take a bat away from a guy and
John:
Every one of them the guy walks over and he's like hey, man put the bat down and the guy's like I told you And he's like I'm telling you again like don't don't point that bad at me Listen Dukes a hazard hard or easy And then the guy takes the bat away from him and there's nothing more full of joy than watching some guy the look on a guy's face when
John:
his bat is now taken away because it's just, it's so great.
John:
Never take, never put a bat, never bring a bat to a, to a fight that you, well, you know, I love people.
Merlin:
You know, I love my mom.
Merlin:
I've always loved my mom.
Merlin:
But, you know, you're probably not like this because you're very close to your mom.
Merlin:
But like, there's just a whole bunch of stuff we don't talk about.
Merlin:
By which I mean, like, I've learned my lesson.
Merlin:
There's just certain areas where I can, my spidey sense goes off.
Merlin:
And I know we're about to move into an area where it's not going to end well.
John:
I think a lot of our listeners share that with you.
John:
I hear it from a lot of people who are like, can't talk about most.
John:
Well, here's one.
Merlin:
Here's one is like, you know, I come from a gun family.
Merlin:
My dad was in the NRA in the 60s.
Merlin:
My dad taught gun safety classes.
Merlin:
He was a handsome man.
Merlin:
He was a handsome man.
Merlin:
I had a huge rant on a recent rec diffs because I don't...
Merlin:
I really dislike guns, but I've fired guns and know more about gun safety than probably like your average bear.
Merlin:
Cause I've had a fair amount of training in it both, you know, well, I mean, when I was in military school, like I, I've been on the rifle range a bunch.
Merlin:
We've been to the gun range.
Merlin:
Yeah.
Merlin:
Well, and there's a video somewhere of us going and shooting guns and Jonathan being fucking good at it.
Merlin:
It was super annoying.
Merlin:
But I guess here's all I'm trying to say.
Merlin:
It's like, because we come from a gun family and like, you know, it's not weird in the Midwest to have guns.
Merlin:
But anyway, the last job my mom had, she would sometimes have to do a deposit.
Merlin:
It was that long ago.
Merlin:
Walk to the bank.
John:
Walk to the bank at the end of the day or whatever.
Merlin:
But it's only in her mentioning that part of it in passing that I learned that this woman at the time in her 70s or early 80s carries a pistol.
Merlin:
And I, again, now already, okay, mom, you should have, you know, I don't, I really don't want to talk about it.
John:
Don't tell me that.
Merlin:
Please don't tell me about that.
Merlin:
But here's what I said to her.
Merlin:
I finally was like, she's like, well, you know, if I have a problem, like, you know, I'm going to the night deposit.
Merlin:
And I can remember very specifically what I said to her and what I've said to her many other times, mom,
Merlin:
If there's somebody, let's say it's the classic, what we used to call crackhead, but you've got somebody who's a very motivated money neater.
Merlin:
I said, here's the thing.
Merlin:
That person, you're going to pull out that gun and pull it till it goes click.
Merlin:
That's my second Big Lebowski reference.
Merlin:
But I said, that person's going to take that gun and they're just going to hit you with it until they're tired or bored.
Merlin:
That's what it's going to be.
Merlin:
That gun's never going to be fired.
Merlin:
That person's just going to pistol whip you, take it, and maybe take your gun, too.
Merlin:
Take your night deposit thing.
Merlin:
It's like, I mean... The gun's probably worth more than, well, the night deposits, probably.
Merlin:
Yeah, she worked in diamonds.
Merlin:
But I think about that a fair amount.
Merlin:
And I've got to say, I think that very much... Now, I'm just repeating what you said, but I think it very much goes for a certain kind of prepper...
Merlin:
attitude, which is like when I see an ad on cable news for Generac generators, like, you know, power goes out and blah, blah, blah, and you don't want to be online.
Merlin:
So I don't know what that costs, but you get a generator and supposedly it runs a fair amount of your house.
Merlin:
I don't know one way or another, but I take that to be sort of a tentpole of suburban preppers.
Merlin:
And it's funny to me
Merlin:
Because I don't know the details of this, but it strikes me that when people are prepping in the same way, like I'm used to be so terrible at packing for trips, you know, where I would like have every conceivable thing I could ever need until it became untenable.
Merlin:
Well, what you're preparing for probably... Well, first of all, you're getting a generator that's going to sit outside your house in the suburbs.
Merlin:
Can you control that perimeter?
Merlin:
I guess what I'm saying is you're planning to not be inconvenienced and uncomfortable.
Merlin:
If the power goes out because there's a storm or something, that's swell.
Merlin:
But is that thing...
Merlin:
Really again now.
Merlin:
What if somebody a motivated person goes, you know what?
Merlin:
I'll have that I'll just have your generator.
Merlin:
Thanks.
John:
That's that's there's a walking dead is what we'll just There's a hundred levels of this right and now there are people that live in Montana that are living in missile silos because they believe that all of civilization is going to collapse and They're preparing for exactly what you're talking about like they've got machine gun nests around their property all of which is meant to just protect their five daughters and
John:
And they're 200 cans of chili and whatever else whatever they think is there, you know that were there the little Yeah, you know, they're gonna restart civilization from there And then there are the everyday carry types who have on their person what they imagine are the tools that they would need to
John:
fish and hunt and repair broken things and They would then use the equipment that's on them and their extensive training to Walking dead themselves a YouTube videos.
John:
Yeah, you know, but they're gonna what they're gonna do is they're going to survive by the way that I picture myself, right?
John:
Scrounging like can I get this thing running?
John:
Can I get it over the mountains?
John:
Can I
John:
Can I figure out how to purify this water?
John:
Can I figure out how to build a trap to catch squirrels?
John:
You know, this kind of like and some of the fantasy there, I think, is that we all think civilization has corrupted us.
John:
And those people are kind of dying for the opportunity to lose everything?
Merlin:
Yeah, no, absolutely.
Merlin:
With the same impulses and cultural pressures that led them to want to live in a missile silo or a decommissioned aircraft carrier or whatever, that same impulse might be the impulse that then drives them to, like, kind of want an opportunity to test it out.
Right.
John:
I mean, when I did my walk, right, part of the impetus to do it was something that I was trying to interpret at a spiritual level, which was I didn't see how I could live in contemporary society with all of its...
John:
degeneracy as you said uh but not not you know degeneracy like people putting their fingers in their butts corruption that's a good word corruption right just the the fact that i wanted not corrupt like every cop but corrupt as in almost like a rotten apple like i wanted to be yeah have integrity that was the word that we used all the time right but
John:
But the the most people talked about integrity in terms of punk bands and I was like, I don't want to buy albums I don't want my integrity connected to the where I what clothes I wear and where I go America integrity is based on your buying decisions Yeah, exactly what what I bought like I want to live as pure to the ground as close to being human as I can and this was what I could think of and
John:
Yeah, right.
John:
This was what I imagined.
John:
I didn't do you decided pretty abruptly to do this whole project.
John:
It was completely abrupt and it's the same impulse that that ding-a-ling who went up to Alaska and tried to live in a school bus and didn't know how to smoke meat and died of starvation.
John:
You know, he and I actually crossed paths.
John:
Yeah, in that in the time that he was hitchhiking well, that's something different now the other the other guy the The I forget what the movie about him was there was a bit into the wild.
John:
Oh, I know with the kid.
John:
Yeah.
John:
Yeah, okay He was hitchhiking across America at the same time I was hitchhiking across America and when I when I realized that I went and looked at the dates and realized that he and I
John:
either either i was serendipitously decided to go off grid at the same time well but i was hitching a ride from at this point to that point on the same day that he was hitching a ride from this point to that point and we crossed on an interstate whoa uh where i was looking i was out looking for america i and nobody else loves stuff like that like i love stuff like that it's it was so cool
John:
And it's the type of thing where, who do you tell?
John:
Like, you know, I've walked into the other room and I was like, hey, guess what?
John:
And everybody just looked, and here he goes again.
John:
But the other thing, the thing about the prepper thing is we've talked a lot about supply chains since the pandemic.
John:
And this term supply chain became like an internet security buzzword.
John:
Everybody's talking about supply chain, supply chain.
Merlin:
Because part of that is that, I mean, just real quick, at least in my estimation, because one thing that has happened in the last 25 years is that a lot of the – well, setting aside, strictly speaking, things like venture capital or hedge funds or whatever, like one way that –
Merlin:
The companies got big or got happening really fast was – sorry, I'm losing my train of thought.
Merlin:
I got up at 5.30.
Merlin:
So I'm already a little bit goofy.
Merlin:
But the supply chains that the COVID and –
Merlin:
Are you prepared, though, for – are you prepared to go mobile?
Merlin:
Like you being in Europe on foot with a bag and some stuff is pretty different from almost any other level of commitment.
Merlin:
One of the things with a lot of these prepper folks is they seem to be trying to create some kind of a castle.
Merlin:
Now, I know just a little bit about castles because I watch a lot of videos about castles.
Merlin:
But castles were great because the whole idea is they called it a keep, like in this strategic geographic place.
Merlin:
And there's been all these developments over the years.
Merlin:
Here's the thing, though.
Merlin:
How much of your prepping plans rely even on having a car?
Merlin:
Like, and that car needs gas, but let's set that aside a minute.
Merlin:
But like, how do you, oh, sorry, supply chain, here it is.
Merlin:
The thing, the one way the companies were able to eke out profits through economies of scale is through things like just in time and things like, you know, all the sorts of, supply chain used to be a way of saying, well, we got a Kanban system where we always know how many things and we learned from Toyota that you don't need to pay to store all these parts and blah, blah, blah, blah.
Merlin:
You know what I'm saying though?
Merlin:
Like for like 25 or so years, 30 years,
Merlin:
We created this economy that was, A, so heavily based on international trade and based on things like, you know, just-in-time deliveries and stuff like that.
Merlin:
That's one thing that really fucked us up, right?
Merlin:
Was that when it came along, suddenly you're like, oh, well, now we cannot count on all of these parts arriving on the same day on time or even 80% of these things arriving.
Merlin:
And then that has knock-on effects.
Merlin:
And, like, I heard a great podcast about this one time about one of the problems, for example, with cars.
Merlin:
Remember how hard it was to get a car during COVID?
Merlin:
Still hard to get a car.
Merlin:
It's costly, too.
Merlin:
Well, one reason was because they changed the number and type of chips that were being ordered ahead of time.
Merlin:
The chips that basically are the brain of so many cars today.
Merlin:
And then a bunch of those chip makers were like, fine, we'll pivot to like doing GPUs for mining Bitcoin and like a different kind of die, a different kind of process.
Merlin:
So like, that's just one example, though, of like a supply chain thing where it's like things that you have historically depended upon because of habit.
Merlin:
That does not mean that that will keep going.
Merlin:
I'm going to stop ranting now, except to say, even if your plan, if your plan requires a car, you're probably not ready.
Merlin:
You got to be ready to go totally.
Merlin:
I mean, maybe you'll be lucky.
Merlin:
Maybe you'll run into Herschel and get to ride around in his Winnie.
Merlin:
But, like, chances are, like, what if you have to pull up stakes right now?
Merlin:
You get, like, Chernobyl'd out of an area in a coach with, like, one bag.
Merlin:
Like, well, that generator's not going to do you any good.
Merlin:
Do you know what I mean?
John:
It's just an illusion.
John:
One of the things you learn when you live in a in a port town like San Francisco or Seattle is you get to really see how much stuff comes and goes and
John:
When something like a tsunami or something like Mount Rainier erupting is a thing that people are thinking about all the time, the big one, right?
John:
You think about it in San Francisco.
John:
We think about it a lot up here.
John:
That Katherine Schultz article really got inside everybody's head, and rightfully so, because the big one is always right there.
John:
You mean earthquake-wise?
John:
Earthquake-wise.
John:
And having grown up in Alaska, I was born four years after the big one up there.
John:
And Alaska was an isolated place at the time.
John:
And it took a lot to build that place back up after the big one.
John:
but recognizing like the what you're talking about the fragility of the of the system where if the power grid is broken if the if the water grid is if that stuff is broken it isn't the end of civilization it's not zombies wandering the streets
John:
But it is that kind of pandemic level.
John:
Wait a minute.
John:
All the grocery stores are empty.
John:
Like people just ransacked the grocery stores.
John:
Yeah.
Merlin:
Like if one store is out of toilet paper, we'll just go to a different store and they'll have toilet paper.
Merlin:
It's like, well, no, like I've been affected by this with tariffs on aluminum.
Merlin:
The tariffs on aluminum are going to make the cost of seltzer for me go way up.
John:
Isn't that crazy?
Merlin:
You're going to have to get that seltzer maker back.
Merlin:
I know, I know, I know.
Merlin:
And they're problematic.
Merlin:
Remember your seltzer maker?
Merlin:
I do.
Merlin:
They support, well, I don't want to get into politics.
Merlin:
Yeah, but don't let's not get into that.
John:
No, I'm with you, man.
John:
But so there are, I think, a lot of people, and my mom is in this category, where she's not about trying to, you know, like live for seven years after the big one, or after everybody is dead, or after everybody's a zombie, or
John:
Yeah, but she also doesn't want to live for three days and run out of stuff.
Merlin:
I'm a white man.
John:
I hate being inconvenienced.
John:
It's my biggest fear.
John:
She what she's expecting is a disaster that does more damage than people are expecting.
John:
that so they're not prepared right it you know like the port is closed and the power is off and the You know the trucks aren't running because because you know when the big earthquake comes my house is probably gonna be okay But this is one thing I learned running for office the number of
John:
Bridges in a in a city like San Francisco.
John:
Oh, you don't know our bridges right?
John:
Because what it was was a creek and then they put a culvert over it and then they built Then they threw some dirt on either side of the culvert and then over time Then they threw a dead horse down there and then they paved over that.
John:
Oh my gosh Yes, but when the city looks at a map of the town, they call that a bridge Yeah, you don't see it as a bridge.
John:
I don't see it as a bridge.
John:
It's not visibly a bridge We see it as a road
John:
But all throughout the city, there are those little instabilities that, like you're saying, if that bridge goes down six blocks north of you and one goes down three blocks south of you, as you're saying, your car is useless, even if it's got a full tank of gas.
Yeah.
John:
Because it's just the... And that isn't the end of civilization.
John:
There is still a city.
John:
They do still have people that... But that's low priority, considering probably, whatever, the Bay Bridge is down.
Merlin:
And so... Oh, yes.
Merlin:
So, like, yeah.
Merlin:
So, like, there might be resources going... And again, it depends on what happened.
Merlin:
I mean, look at...
Merlin:
Jesus Christ.
Merlin:
And I'm so interested in these unexpected consequences type things.
Merlin:
But like the way that the semi big one we had here in 89 caused so much damage to the Embarcadero highway, that terrible freeway.
Merlin:
You know, there used to be a freeway.
Merlin:
Yeah, they tore it down.
Merlin:
As somebody who had not been here until 1997, I look at photos of them, and I'm like, you've got to be kidding me.
Merlin:
That's so horrible.
Merlin:
So that means, okay, well, the bridge people that we've got that are still alive and the stuff we've got, yeah, we're probably going to work on the Bay Bridge.
Merlin:
First.
Merlin:
Well, what would they work on first?
John:
Well, they're going to try and restore clean drinking water, and they're going to try and get the power grid back up.
John:
But the San Mateo Bridge may not get fixed quite as fast as the Golden Gate.
John:
San Mateo Bridge isn't going to be fixed for, I mean, some of that stuff.
John:
Think about after the big earthquake down in Santa Cruz.
John:
It took them 15 years to build Santa Cruz back.
John:
Santa Cruz was a fucking dump for more than a decade.
John:
If you think about the fire in the Berkeley Hills, how long did it take?
Merlin:
Well, and also, like, there was all of the, oh, God, what was the terrible weather event last year?
Merlin:
Was it the hurricane?
Merlin:
But, like, yeah, there was a hurricane near my mom and near Tampa.
Merlin:
And, like, they had built up, like, a huge seawall around the hospital.
Merlin:
And I think it made it.
Merlin:
But, like, it was closer than they expected.
Merlin:
I mean, I've seen enough stuff about Fukushima and what that tsunami did.
Merlin:
Like, yeah, well, okay, well, we built this nuclear power plant, like, right near the water at this very low level.
Merlin:
And those seawalls didn't help that much once the tsunami came.
Merlin:
You know and so like you've got your generac.
Merlin:
Where do you where are you gonna store all the gas?
Merlin:
For just for your generator like you're gonna keep that in your family room like where does all that go?
John:
Not if you live in an apartment, right?
John:
But the the problem with the gun problem.
John:
Yes is
John:
My mom's got food stocked here for, let's say, the big one happens, the power grid goes down, the port is closed, and the bridges collapse.
John:
But the city of Seattle is resilient.
John:
Everybody bands together.
John:
We're all helping each other.
John:
We're building the city back.
John:
But we're into day 25 of no power.
John:
And the Red Cross has set up stations around, and the United States of America is rallying to Seattle.
John:
The airplanes are landing every 10 minutes.
Merlin:
Just for your example, though, we begin with, what if the response to this...
Merlin:
is way better than is likely to happen.
Merlin:
Let's say it goes great, right?
John:
I think that's what the response would be.
John:
I mean, the big one that's going to happen here is not going to happen in Denver, right?
John:
If the really big one happens, it's Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, and let's say that the whole Pacific plate just goes crazy, and San Francisco too.
John:
But even Spokane is going to be fine.
John:
And I think it would be a thing where people would across the country and across the world would rally to Seattle.
John:
But they're going to have to rebuild the airport first because they built the airport on a bunch of dead horses that they threw in a trench.
John:
And so, you know, San Francisco is built on shipwrecks.
Merlin:
Yeah, that's right.
Merlin:
And the whole area of the marina, like there used to be maps of San Francisco, where they would show like there was a little like drawings of wrecked ships, like that they just okay, we'll just put some stuff for this.
Merlin:
And then like where I am, it's all about liquefaction.
Merlin:
Because we're on sand dunes, our entire area is just sand.
John:
Yeah.
John:
Yeah, you guys would just slide right into the ocean and they'd be like, there used to be a neighborhood here.
John:
Anyway, let's go back to fixing the bridges.
John:
But so my thing with my mom has always been, okay, you've got 200 days worth of food for the four people that are in our family or the five people that are in our family.
John:
Now, mom, if your neighbors came over and said, we're hungry, would you feed them?
John:
and mom said of course and i said okay so now she'd be dead you have now you have 100 days worth of food because now you're feeding them so let's say the neighbors across the street see us all over here by candlelight eating and they're like hey we're hungry can we come and she and she's like of course and i'm like okay now you've got 20 days and so it only your all your prep what you don't have mom is ruthlessness of any kind
John:
And what you would do is within four days of there being a hunger emergency, the neighborhood would recognize that you were having a buffet and your food would be gone within four days.
John:
Correct.
John:
Because you would turn no one away.
John:
And they would also, you'd give them all your candles.
John:
Well, if it was The Walking Dead, it would just make you the hugest target in the world.
John:
And the thing is, there wouldn't even need to be an invasion because she'd be standing there handing it out because she's not ruthless.
Merlin:
Well, I mean, if for no other reason than you guys aren't out at begging people for food.
Merlin:
Right.
Merlin:
I mean, honestly, no, seriously, though.
Merlin:
Think about that.
Merlin:
It's like, you know, it's...
Merlin:
If you, it's like, you know, putting your valuables in a big box that says there's no valuables in here.
Merlin:
Like, if people see a candlelight or otherwise, so, oh, okay, we'll get hurricane shutters, and nobody will be able to see we have a house.
Merlin:
You know, I mean, like, it's an endless procession of...
Merlin:
of ways that the people try to psychologize their way into thinking this is sensible for, I don't know.
Merlin:
See, I feel like I'm talking to my button.
Merlin:
I'm going to make, I'm going to make the prepper community frustrated probably with my, my lack of understanding about this.
Merlin:
I think a lot of it is about a status show today.
Merlin:
I think it's a lot about, I mean, look at how many people.
John:
It's collecting guitars and building train sets for a lot of people.
John:
Or having a pickup truck.
John:
Like what's the last thing you use a pickup truck for?
John:
They have like walk-in gun safes.
John:
Yes.
John:
Where you're like, you have 60 guns, dude.
John:
Like every one of these guns is worth $4,000.
John:
This is the guitar room of my dreams, except it's guns.
John:
The thing about, and this must come up all the time in your zombie shows.
John:
Yeah.
John:
Where...
John:
there's the moment where you have to close the door on the face of the pleading desperate person.
John:
Yeah.
John:
And I'm, I'm imagining in a lot of the zombie shows that pleading desperate person, as you close the door on them is revealed to be morally bankrupt and closing the door on them becomes easy because they were always, it's the rabbit and the, and the tortoise or whatever there, there's always a scrounger and it's easy to shut the door on them.
John:
But do you have the ability to shut that door on someone's face who is innocent and desperate and ultimately a good and kind person that you're going to let starve to death in order that your family have...
Merlin:
And we also, perhaps you're getting to this, but then another side of that becomes, yeah, and what happens when three black pickup trucks pull up?
Merlin:
Because this is the day that they go through this neighborhood to mop up.
John:
Well, that's why you have 60 guns.
John:
But I think the hardest part is a long time before, I mean, those guys love the idea of fighting off four black pickup trucks.
John:
But what they're not prepared for is they're
John:
is their child clinging to their arm saying you can't shut my best friend and their parents outside like they've come here we used we used to carpool we can at least give them a taco yeah we know them they're our friends like you can't and you're like locked and loaded for the for the invasion but it's like if you let the friends in what that's great but you just cut your supplies in half and that kind of ruthlessness is what how
John:
I don't think most people have.
Merlin:
So it sounds like she wants to get over the hump of the immediate, like a natural thing.
Merlin:
Like she's not talking about a zombie apocalypse.
Merlin:
She's talking about like if something happens, there's, you know, God forbid, there's some kind of a natural, you know, a bitch.
John:
My mom is not a fantasist.
John:
She believes in...
John:
She believes that nature is our enemy, not that other humans are.
John:
That's what Werner Herzog says.
John:
Yeah, she thinks that it's always going to be.
John:
And the thing is, my mom's desire, I think, is just not to be a dummy.
John:
She does not want to, on day two, run out of water and go, I saw this happening.
John:
So she's like, I don't want to be one of the dummies that's just standing there on the street corner.
John:
A lot of people are addicted to regret is another thing.
Merlin:
There are people who have such a compulsion about never again wanting to feel regret about anything.
Merlin:
Not just FOMO, but like anything of like, I mean, another way to put this, I'm not like making fun of your mom.
Merlin:
I feel the same way.
Merlin:
Like, same way as like, if we took a plane to Austin with a baby, like, I'd feel really bad if we forgot to bring bottles and diapers and all of the baby stuff.
Merlin:
I would really be mad at myself and regretful and think I should have handled that better.
Merlin:
And it's like for a certain kind of mind, I think the idea of having regret about notional circumstances or scenarios is really an overriding concern for them.
Merlin:
The thought of not being able to do any of those things you just said is just unbearable to them.
John:
Yeah.
Yeah.
John:
Yeah.
John:
Well, what I know now is that I have, uh, 200 days worth of high protein freeze dried meals, a water filtration system.
John:
Sleeping bags and emergency blankets.
John:
It's all here in my radioactive bunker.
John:
I actually have a Geiger counter that somebody sent me at one point.
John:
Make sure it goes over three Ronkins.
Merlin:
I think it does.
Merlin:
That's what happened in Chernobyl.
Merlin:
They couldn't meter the two orders of magnitude more radiation than the three Ronkin one.
Merlin:
Okay, well, maybe I'll have to look at it.
Merlin:
But that's good.
Merlin:
As you get into this culture and you start going to the meetups, you know, and you're going to learn what's the good freeze-dried ice cream, you know, what kind of Geiger counter do I need?
Merlin:
And where do you keep all that?
Merlin:
Do you keep that, like, sealed up somewhere?
John:
Yeah, it's all down in sealed containers in the basement.
John:
It's in buckets.
John:
You know, many years ago, 15 years ago, Chad Criollo and I were at one of those estate auctions where they were selling off.
John:
Showbox Chad?
John:
Yeah, Showbox Chad.
John:
They were selling off old matchbooks or whatever.
John:
And the guy holds up a shotgun and he's like, what am I bid?
John:
And everybody's there to buy Beanie Babies.
John:
Yeah.
John:
And it's just quiet.
John:
Yeah.
John:
and i was like i'm taking a very strong position in beanie babies and he's like come on no nothing nobody and you know and everybody's looking around and they're just like get to the beanie babies and he was like 15 bucks and i was like i'll bid 15 bucks and he was like sold so i'm working a working shotgun for a shotgun and it was like a sears model you know uh kenmore makes a pretty strong shotgun
John:
Yeah, they did in 1950 when this was made.
John:
Yeah, sure.
John:
And so I walked over afterwards and I was like, I guess I own this gun.
John:
And he said, you don't know the half of it.
John:
Now you have to register it in the state of Washington.
John:
Here we go.
John:
And you're going to pay more fees than you paid for the gun.
John:
And I did.
John:
You know, the fees were 50 bucks.
John:
But so I have this shotgun.
John:
Well, now, what the hell am I going to do?
John:
Right.
John:
So this shotgun's been sitting in my umbrella stand with all the canes and swords and stuff.
John:
By the front door?
John:
Wait, you have a shotgun?
John:
Nobody believes it's a real gun.
Merlin:
Because there's also BB guns.
Merlin:
I think it's a lighter.
John:
They're just like, oh, yeah, he's got like four Knights of Columbus broadswords, like an American flag umbrella.
Merlin:
It's a form of what computers are called security by obscurity.
Merlin:
That's exactly what it is, right?
Merlin:
Certainly most of these are going to be like stage fighting swords.
Merlin:
They're going to have some actual umbrellas.
Merlin:
Is there poison in the tip?
Merlin:
You'll find out.
Merlin:
You'll find out, right?
John:
And is this a lighter or is this a shotgun?
John:
Yeah.
John:
We're coming in.
John:
I would look at this selection of weapons and go, which one of these is going to be the most effective?
John:
I know which one looks scariest.
John:
It's Conan the Barbarian's sword, but that's not going to be the most effective.
John:
It's probably this live shotgun.
John:
But if kids came in and they were like, we're stealing everything, they would look at that and they'd go, well, there's nothing there.
John:
I mean, maybe we'll steal it all.
John:
Have you shot it much?
Yeah.
John:
Oh, over the years, you know, sure.
John:
Where do you go to shoot a shotgun?
John:
Do you go to a range for that?
Merlin:
Yeah, there's all kinds.
Merlin:
This is the West.
Merlin:
Well, no, I'm sorry.
Merlin:
That was a dumb question.
Merlin:
I don't know why, but I think about a bullet-centric range.
Merlin:
Right.
Merlin:
But shotguns, it's the same kind of deal, huh?
John:
Yeah, and there are outdoor shooting ranges out here.
John:
It's just kind of like they build a berm.
John:
Kind of over somewhere where the bullets aren't going.
John:
If the bullets go over the top of it, they're not going to hit anybody in the background.
John:
Well, that's smart.
John:
Yeah.
John:
In Alaska, it was like anytime there was a gravel pit, it was basically a shooting range.
John:
So what am I, I can think of some people that I would shoot with that shotgun, but they're probably not the ones that are going to come knock on my door and ask for some freeze.
Merlin:
This is why it would be helpful for you to create, you know, they, they say dress for the job you want, you know, maybe you should be working with your mom to figure out like, is there any role we could have in what this seismic event would be?
Merlin:
Cause like, you know what I'm saying?
Merlin:
Like we would prefer to be able to stay in our home.
Merlin:
You know, you can, the only way to know that you've prepped for the right thing is if you're the problem.
John:
Right.
John:
Well, 100% what's going to happen is six hours after the big one, I'm either going to get to her where she is, or she's going to get here and she's going to have in tow six little old ladies.
John:
that comprise the little old ladies in her friend group.
John:
And I'm going to say... They probably don't eat too much.
John:
I'm going to say, Mom, what is this?
John:
And she's going to say, We've got plenty of food and plenty of bedding, and all six of these little old ladies are living with you now.
Merlin:
You know what?
Merlin:
You should test her right then.
Merlin:
You can say you can pick one.